Anxiety

Even the majority of my friends do not know that I suffer from severe anxiety.   Mostly social anxiety but ever so often even anxiety within my own house. I have not really been able to identify all of my triggers yet. Though I can tell most are closely related to imagined abandonment or social interaction. It has gotten the point that its becoming a very real problem for me and over the past couple of months I have been trying frantically to find some kind of way to control it.

    Some people just set my anxiety off by simply just existing. An example of this is a girl who's friends with my boyfriend, and she thinks I hate her. Which I have to strongly disagree with,..I mean it's not like shes on my hit list or anything. One of the reasons I am so distant from her isn't to be mean it's because she gives me the worst panic attacks I've ever experience and I have absolutely no idea why. I figured it was better to just avoid the situation. However at this point I figure it's just best to let her think I hate her. Shes not really an issue anymore.

   During this semester I am also taking public speaking which makes sure my anxiety is sky rocked on the days I am expected to be in that class which is every Tuesday and Thursday. I have often been told that fear is an irrational emotional, but fancy words don't really mean anything when you wish you could curl up in a ball and wish you were anywhere but where you are. Your palms are sweaty and your heart is pounding within your chest.

I have a new found understanding for Dan's dogs. When they completely wreck out apartment and trash it out. I have the same anxiety when Dan leaves too..I am just destructive in other ways. I might start a fight to get him to stay with me just a bit longer ( I haven't done this in a while) I have actually been working very hard to prevent things like this. So how do I deal with all my anxiety craziness.

1.)I have a worry box I keep on my phone where I can put all my worries into and write reassuring statements to go with them. This is part of cognitive therapy.

2.) Whenever Dan leaves for work or where ever he goes out somewhere without me I keep a playlist of songs that remind me of him, and play it when he is not around.

3.) I do have small things that I consider to be "security blankets" maybe a sweater that use to belong to my sister. A collar that Dan got for me, or a necklace that helps to keep me calm.

I have come a long way in dealing with anxiety and still have a long way to go but the longest journey begins with a single step.

50 Shades of Vanilla Opinions. (Spoilers)

     

         Alright, so I did it I took one for the team and read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I had been hearing about this book since 2011 and with the new movie for it coming out, its of course come up again in my news feed. The first time around I had heard all sorts of things about it, ..mainly in a negative light. "It's a twilight rip off, It's a story about abusive, It's offensive to the BDSM community." So I pretty much just left it alone. Smut is smut I say, and I since I have never been big on erotica, even those that contain BDSM, I just decided to forgo the unnecessary boredom, ....until now.

      My honest opinion is, ... It wasn't a great, wonderful, awesome book in my opinion. Harry potter, Hunger Games, and The Fault in Our Stars definitely passed it by leaps and bounds. That being said, ....it isn't as horrible as everyone in the BDSM community makes it out to be either. Let's start with the obvious..the abuse claims. Was Christian Grey abusive?...eh, debatable. He was a total douche, I will give you that but abusive?..I think that is taking a lot of responsibility off the main character, Anastasia. It's dismissive. Christian warned her what he was into, he warned her exactly what kind of relationship they would have. I mean he had that mess typed up and was expecting a notarized document with her signature. Home girl knew what was up and had the ability to end it if she wanted too at any time. I know what you're going to say...but sweetpea, he was a total stalker. Yes, yes he was..but there are these little things called restraining orders. She didn't even attempt to venture down that avenue at all. Sure it's inconvenient, but if she didn't want his advances, it would have at least come up in topic.  Finally, six slaps with a belt makes her decide that he is a crazy fucked up sadistic asshole? Reeallly? For starters she totally asked for it, wanting to venture into his world. Geeze, I wonder what kind of insults she would have shouted at him had it have been a cane.  No doubt, Christian Grey was a total stalkerish douche bag who was sure he could get what he wanted by throwing his money around.  but abusive is a bit of a stretch.

The second aspect in the book that many people brought up is that he shouldn't be seeking vanilla who are out of the lifestyle if he is a sadist. What?.....lol It's not like he actively sought her out. So what your basically telling me is , if I meet a guy and have a mutual attraction to him, and there's a bunch of things that we have in common but he's a vanilla, ...I totally should not introduce him to my world or the kinky things that I like right? See how it's different when you put the sub in the same position? Oh by the way Dan's vanilla. =P You are going to be attracted to who you are attracted to regardless. You are going to want to show them your world even if it is "Fifty shades of fucked up." One of the problems I have heard with the book is that there is one set of rules for Ana, and not the same set of rules for Christian. Dear, submissive friends...does your Dom have the same rules as you?! Is this not the very definition of a submissive/dominant relationship?

One of the problems I did have with the book is that the story made Ana seem like she was seventeen and a petulant child. I had some trouble getting passed that. Though it is this very fact that gave the book some comical value, mostly with the titles she would give her emails. The other problem I have is that the book ended on an attempt of a cliff hanger. Seriously it ends right as they "break up" even though we all know...they're going to get back together. Finally there is several cliches of writing in the book, like turning the nerdy awkward girl into a total wanton sex deprived virgin whore :D I digress.

 So does the book promote abuse? No, it promotes what the writer thinks is a problematic BDSM relationship (which is intentional.) Should it be a basis for the BDSM community? Absolutely not, as every one knows who is in the lifestyle BDSM promotes safe, sane, and consensual. Some of those acts were not consensual even though Ana didn't protest to them. A clear set of rules , guild lines, and consensual agreements need to be put in place before you ever put anyone over their knee, all in all though it was a decent read, definitely not warranting all the hate it has gotten, at the same time....I am also not so sure it is best seller material either. 

Trust Where It Matters

     Dan and I have been together for almost two years now. We have been living together for all of this, because Dan was actually my friend, and one of my tenants before hand. (I know how unprofessional of me.)  In those two years we have had a pretty good relationship. Of course there have been road bumps. We have gone through the suicide of our friend together, the murder of my sister together, and my divorce.  The fact that we are still together is amazing but a real testament to how much we care for each other.  Unlike many of our counter parts, Dan and I are not married. I have been married and it ended rather harshly and took a toll on me that ended in panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. So now I am a little more cautious of the marriage factor. Don't get me wrong, I want to get married to Dan. Just...not right now.

      Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me.  Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it.  Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.

     "You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married.  One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.

   I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living.  Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.

  I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him.  I  hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people.  No...he hasn't. but still.

  I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish. 

Religion and Relationships

     So Dan and I are very different people. We enjoy different types of music, he enjoys country, while I am under impression it mostly sounds like cat's wailing. We enjoy different types of video games. While I mostly seem him playing games like Pokemon, Zelda, and Skylanders. You can more than likely find me with an Elder Scrolls or Guild Wars 2 or Final Fantasy. He likes the cold, I prefer the hot. We are pretty much polar opposites and even in our religious beliefs we are no different.  Dan is a devout Catholic, I have not known him all of his life, but according to close personal friends he was even an alter boy in his youth. (Poor Dan) I happen to be Agnostic.  I never hid this fact from him, in fact I was rather upfront about it. So how do you have a successful relationship with someone who thinks you're going to burn in hell? Well, it's rather simple really.

   I asked Dan probably back in the Summer time if he thought I was going to go to hell because I did not believe in his religion, to which he responded No, he didn't believe that any one who was helping others, and living productive helpful lives were going to hell just because they didn't believe but he did acknowledge that many Christians do believe that. We have discussions about religion and beliefs about religion. Mostly its because I am genuinely curious about his beliefs and religion. I am never condensing about it, I don't consider Dan to be any less intelligent than me. (at least not because of his beliefs. haha J/k) I respect his religion and his right to practice it, even if I don't understand it.

    Another thing that we do together is participate in intelligent debate with one another.  I mean actual debating, where points and evidence is brought up, not mudslinging where you hear obscenities and foul language . An example of this was actually an debate that took place a couple of nights ago in our bed. Dan was talking about Islamic insurgent groups like the Taliban, ISIS, and Al`Queda. He mentioned that you do not see  many Muslims standing up against them, or denouncing them.  Now don't think I am a terrorist sympathizer I stand for people, and person regardless of race or creed. I tried to explain to him that these organizations have murdered the children of these people who are over there, they have kept them from proper education. There are plenty of people in Afghanistan who do not even know what 9/11 is.  He went on to talk about the mosque that was suppose to be build in 2010 a few blocks away from the site of the World Trade Center.  To which I explained to him that if they owned the land, were American citizens and were paying for the construction then they had just as much right to build their mosque, as someone who was building a synagogue or a church. Those freedoms and liberties belong to all of our citizens, this is the same reason that the KKK and Westboro is allowed to hold demonstrations.  Although I did admit the building of the mosque  was in bad taste.

 Other than that we have a mutual respect of each others beliefs. There is no proselytizing trying to take place. I don't do anything to persuade him towards my beliefs nor vice versa. There's also acceptance of our different beliefs. I know there are plenty of Christians who would not date someone who did not believe what they believed. Same with Agnostics and Atheist, but Dan and I have a wonderful relationship. I think it has a lot to do with all our differences that makes us work so well. We both have different views and ways of looking at things to bring to the table. 

Overcoming Body Issues.

     I did a photo shoot with Puddintaine423 last week. One of the things we did after the shoot was view some of the images he captured, and some of the art we had created together. Do not think this piece to be a jab at any of his work. I completely endorse him, and he is a wonderful photographer and is wonderful to work with. That being said, after about twenty times of me picking at little things about the pictures that I didn't like he told me I was being too cynical of myself. Indeed, everything I had said had to do with something on my body.  My teeth weren't good enough, My eyebrows were too messy, my arms were flabby, I had back fat, my breast weren't high enough.  I can hear the simultaneous eye rolling now. "Sweetpea, I would kill for your looks." Well darlings, thanks for your kind words but until someone can see the beauty within themselves, other's opinions aren't really going to change their views.

    I like a lot of women experience this, When you watch television, or see advertisements, or anything that is mass media related, you will notice that the person is at least mildly attractive. High cheek bones, perfectly symmetrical face, perfect teeth. Make up products are pushed on us in just about every series of commercials in our daily lives. Even if you don't watch TV, you are bombarded with adverts on Billboards or cellphones of muscular men, thin women.  We are taught that boobs that aren't perky are "saggy" which has a negative connotation. Everything right down to the porn that we watch has a standard of beauty. Plastic surgery is a 10 Billion dollar industry.  I have had people tell me I should be a model. Well modeling is not something I really want to do.  I know that many photographers, especially professional are not going to be as kind as the ones I get to work with. I know that my image would be distorted to fit into the "main stream" of beauty.

 So how do we work on these body issues that seem to plague us? Do we blame the media and protest Vogue and Covergirl? One of the things that I hope to accomplish in 2015 is to start working out, and getting on a regular routine. It was just three years ago when I was able to fit into a size five, why can't I do that again? I want to be able to every morning at least take a job around my neighborhood, or spend an hour at my school's work out room.  I think self affirmation would also be very helpful. It sounds crazy, but one of the things I have learned in my life, is that you are more likely to have things go your way if you reassure yourself that this is the way it will be. Too many girls in the morning are in the mirror being mean to themselves. "My hips are too big, I have too many acne scars, I'm too big." Instead what we need is more of us focusing on our positive features. "Wow, I have really beautiful eyes.  I have a natural arch, I love my cheek bones."

  So I don't go this often but I do have a challenge for everyone on my friends list or who cares to read this note. I want you guys to look in the mirror and not focus on anything that you don't like, but to choose three physical things about yourself that you really like.  For me 1.) I love my eyes, they remind me of the patterns on my snakes. 2.) I am actually really fond of the beauty marks on my face, I am not sure if they are freckles or not, but I have several of them.  3.) I love my eyelid's for no other reason that because of the way they are I can do really cool things with eye shadows.

Not Ready To Forgive

    So what I wanted to talk about for some reason is abusive parents and what we owe them when we become adults. From many of the people I talk to on a daily basis hear a bunch of "Parent's did the best they knew how." "They gave you life so you need to get over whatever else they put you through." Maybe this is a biological obligation that I don't understand because I am adopted.  Maybe the bonds that would be between a biological family are wasted on my trying to understand them. Here's what I do know, I have a daughter now. She's five, and as I replay some of the things that my mother did to me, and allowed my brother to do, I could not ever in my wildest dreams imagine subjecting her to that. Despite the psychological view that the abused eventually become the abusers.  It is because of that very fact, that I am simply not able to forgive my family members right now.  In fact, it diminished me wanting to forgive them even further, because I know it is my love for her that would prevent me from ever wanting to cause her harm. Which begs the question...did my mother actually love me?

   Here's the thing, I get mistakes. I really do, but when parent's are not held accountable for their mistakes then how is it within their right to make sure we are held accountable for ours? Abuse isn't just a momentary thing, just because the abuse stops doesn't mean that everything is all better. I still have permanent physical scars and broken bones as a result of the abuse that I had to endure growing up. Many other abuse survivors also have to go through psychological and emotional issues which make it difficult to function normally in society.

   Now, let me make something very clear. I am not condoning survivors of abuse failing to take accountability for themselves. There comes a certain point in our lives that we have to take accountability for the choices that we make and the path we take in life. That being said, this is more about what we owe those people who have tormented us for so long, because they hold the title of "mother", "father", or "brother."  For me, absolutely nothing. In my case I have family members who either won't acknowledge it ever happened suddenly suffering from a case of selective amnesia, or they justify to themselves that this is "what you wanted, you wanted this to happen."  In my personal opinion if someone can't even acknowledge the things that they did to you, which is first and for most on the road to trying to make things right, it's a good indication that they have no intention of doing so.  This is incredibly common in cases of childhood abuse. Parents are usually more interested in self justifying the abuse, than they are with apologizing and reconciling with those that they have abused, if they acknowledge the abuse at all.

    My sister was murdered in November, not long before Thanksgiving. We are pretty sure that one of her girlfriends stuck a dirty needle in her arm. I was the first in our family told since I am the one on decent terms with my niece. My niece who for a time before leaving to go live with her mother was subjected to the same abuse. I called to let one of my brothers whom I was on Christmas card greeting terms with know what had occurred and to make sure he told my mother and other brothers who I have been estranged from. My brother (estranged) did call me and tell me he wasn't doing to well, how sad he was. I sat on the phone listening to him completely emotionless and not buying a word of what he said to me.  He said at the end of the phone call "You sound like you don't want to talk to me so I'll go." to which I offered no words of comfort because it was true. A couple of days later, I got in contact with him on Facebook and told him why I didn't want to any contact with him and if he would like to change that then he needed to acknowledge the abuse he had subjected me to.  As he has maintained since the day I turned 18, it never happened, he didn't know what I was talking about, I make up stories, and he just doesn't remember any of what I am saying. Despite me recalling in detail several instances of the abuse occurring.
 
     One of the things you hear a lot in group sessions and in therapy sessions is that you need to forgive your abusers. That in order for you to have a life you have to move on. This is something that I disagree with. After several years of trauma treatment in a lock down facility, and finally getting out from the heel of my family, I blossomed more then I ever imaged I could have. I have a wonderful relationship with a man who is amazingly kind in ways I did not think human beings were capable of being. I've gotten my GED, I'm going to graduate from college soon, I am able to balance a job and school and for the most part have become a very well rounded person. A feat that ten years ago seemed impossible and that my treatment team certainly felt was improbable.  I have been estranged from my mother for over a year now, and even in her failing health, ..as horrible as this may be to say so I am currently making no attempts to reconcile with her. Even some parent/child relationships are toxic. You may be thinking "but that's your mother!" Would you be persuading me to reconcile with a boyfriend or husband who was physically abusive? Especially one who was unwilling to acknowledge the abuse.

       As adults, we are responsible for ourselves, this includes the people we allow to be in our lives, the people we choose to help. I spend much of my time working with young adults, helping them achieve the same goals it took me so long to achieve. I feel it is these people who could most benefit from my help.  My mother and my brother have each other. Some times, the best thing to be able to recover from years of abuse, is to simply be able to close the door.

Update time, Welcome back Sweetpea!

      So I know I have been gone for a couple of months, so it only seems fair to add some updates on what I have been up to so I can bring myself and everyone else who cares to take note up to speed. I left you in October since then we have had Halloween. Halloween was amazing, we spent it at a friends house in Athens. It's a beautiful place on top of a mountain with a salt water heated pool, and of course food!! We had drinks and even brought a long a special lady friend wink wink. Unfortunately, we did end up having to leave early due to said special lady friend becoming uncontrollably intoxicated and making out in the back seat of my car. Scandalous!! We also had Thanksgiving during my hiatus. I invited one of my brothers to the event, and several of my close friends. I spent a ton of time cooking. I will post pictures of the food, so I can make everyone's mouth water with savory flavor. We also had Christmas which was awesome. I got Dan both Sapphire and Ruby Pokemon games and some other tidbits like posters, he ended up getting me a tablet which I must love because I take it just about everywhere with me. I also finished a semester of school, and made Dean's list once again my second time contending. I am hoping that the new semester will see me making President's list. We also have had new years here where we spent time with troll_hunter (FL) and got drunk. I kissed Dan on the cheek when the ball drop, any one who knows me knows that I have a deadly fear of saliva.

 I have also been working on a novel, about a young girl who is taken to a treatment facility and has to find a way to cope with the harshness of reality that surrounds her. I am actually really into it and have been working quite a bit, I am already at eighty page and am hoping to have it finished around the end of the spring semester. School has already started back up, and I am glad to have something to fill my time with. Having idle hands is not something I really ever thing I could become accustom to.  I should be earning my certificate in Network systems in May, and actually graduating when I come the end of next semester in December. Which sounds crazy since I was here on fetlife only a few years ago, posting about how I was taking my GED, and getting ready to enroll in college. It seems a lifetime ago. One of the goals I want to try and focus on is writing in my journal everyday, completing the semester with President's list status, and finishing my book, and graduating. I am glad to be able to share this next year with you guys. I hope that it's a wonderful one!