Trust Where It Matters

     Dan and I have been together for almost two years now. We have been living together for all of this, because Dan was actually my friend, and one of my tenants before hand. (I know how unprofessional of me.)  In those two years we have had a pretty good relationship. Of course there have been road bumps. We have gone through the suicide of our friend together, the murder of my sister together, and my divorce.  The fact that we are still together is amazing but a real testament to how much we care for each other.  Unlike many of our counter parts, Dan and I are not married. I have been married and it ended rather harshly and took a toll on me that ended in panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. So now I am a little more cautious of the marriage factor. Don't get me wrong, I want to get married to Dan. Just...not right now.

      Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me.  Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it.  Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.

     "You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married.  One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.

   I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living.  Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.

  I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him.  I  hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people.  No...he hasn't. but still.

  I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish. 

What It's Like to Fall from Grace

       You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan.  I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.

    After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me.  He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..

    Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.

 We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym?  Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner?  I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine."  Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.

 I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago.  I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.

Lifestyle Pet Peeves.

 I actually sat down and wrote this list , and to my surprise there wasn't nearly as many as I expected there to be. I only have five for you guys to day, but I can defiantly say without a shadow of a doubt, these are the one's who irk me the most. 

  1.) High Protocol enforcers: Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with living your dynamic the way you want to. If you want your slave kneeling at all times that she is not in service, and calling every Dom in the general area "Master" , more power to you my friend, but for the love of all that is holy realize that not everyone in the world is going to agree with you or follow your doctrine. I for one think that it is an absolute waste of time for me to be sitting there kneeling all pretty like. I would much rather be on my feet doing something productive and being useful. Even if I am just crocheting a blanket its better then sitting there and being idle. Also, who the hell decided that kneeling was a universal symbol of submission? You telling me I can't be submissive if I don't kneel? Screw that! I can sit Indian style and still be submissive. 

  Also if I do not belong to you, there is no reason for me to accept your views on protocol. I don't have to adopt them either. That means if you aren't my dominant, then guess what? I don't have to call you Master. I don't have to get you a drink. I don't have to do shit , but avoid you and your craziness. That being said; generally if you're kind enough not to demand it and let me know that you prefer to be addressed this way, or would I mind doing this for you? Well, I'm pretty accommodating and I don't see why I wouldn't be inclined to oblige. Just, don't be a major douche about it. 

2.)  Blind Obedience: I actually was browsing around some blogs and videos today and apparently people are under the impression that a submissives only responsibility is complete obedience.  Okay, if you wanna be a doormat submissive, what ever. That is your prerogative, but don't expect that to ever be condoned by me. If there is something any dominant ask of me, including my own which I don't agree with or I feel would put me in a negative situation you bet your candy ass I am not going to obey that command. I have seen submissives who thought it was okay that their Dom commanded them to sleep with a room full of men. That's not being dominant , that's being a lecherous douchebag.

     It shows no concern for they physical or psychological well being of your sub.  I really honestly can't understand why any submissive would subject themselves to that, or think that is was okay. Some submissives do need to be taught that sometimes it's okay to say no. There are in fact dom's out there that are looking to take advantage of submissiveness. How many times have we all heard  " Well if you don't do this , you're not a real submissive?" Naturally a submissive wants to be pleasing , but sometimes there is a line that needs to be drawn. Submissives should not blindly follow commands for the sake of submission. 

Just because someone is a submissive does not mean that they loose all identity and freedom of thought. There is nothing wrong with being a submissive who can think, act, and speak for herself. It's okay to have your own opinions. Its okay to have your own interest, and it's okay to have your own personality. I can't count how many times I have seen submissives who believed they couldn't enjoy a band unless their owner enjoyed that particular band as well. You are still your own entity.

3.) Elitiest submissives: They're kind of like the hipsters of the subbie world. These submissives are convinced that they're the best and are more than happy to tell you everything you're doing wrong! Actually, I was in a channel on IRC once and this guy had Master in front of his name. Keep in mind that there was no previous posting anywhere in the channel that it was high protocol. So I called him by his regular nick name. There was no end to the amount of subbies wanting to jump down my throat and tell me how rude I was for not being willing to call him "Master"

  I didn't know the guy from Adam . What had he ever done to show me he was worthy of being called "Master?" Yet these subbies were quick to down me for not doing so. I have also seen subbies down other slaves for not kneeling. Seriously, what is it with you people and kneeling? Not to bring up a tragic moment in our nations history, but...did you ever see an antebellum slave kneeling? I've seen slaves who told others if they weren't house wives, then they weren't real slaves.

Let me explain something right now, NONE of us are real slaves. No one in the lifestyle is a real slave. You have a choice. You have the option to leave your relationship at anytime. You are choosing this, and if you aren't then you don't need to be reading this blog you need to be calling 911 and getting the hell out of there if you have access to a computer.

 4.)  Gor book thumpers: There much like Jehovah's Witnesses. They tell you all about Gor and how wonderful it is, and how everyone should do BDSM this way. Many of the kajira's also remind me of elitist submissives. Basically they're just convinced that their way is the best way. Not saying this about all Goreans. However there is a good percentage of them that are this way that compel me to be annoyed by them. 

If you want to get into knowing about the Gorean lifestyles and philosophies they wanna know how many of the gazillion books you have read to be worthy of their attention. I had a woman once (Still can't stand her, and her boy to this day) Who decided it was okay to tell me that she was going to "kill" me if I refused to obey. I told her she might wanna hold off on the terroristic threats. Some people take it seriously. She didn't like that. Seriously though, why is the lifestyle such a fantasy world for some people. You aren't going to kill me, because you know there is consequences. You aren't going to whip me either because that's an assault charge. Unless I submit to it, you aren't going to do shit to me, so you're threats are baseless.

5. It's all about the sex. Why oh why do you people thing that the lifestyle is about sex and sex alone? I get that for many people it's a fetish. You do this to improve your sex life in the bedroom and what not. However that being said domination and submission aren't fetishes, they're character traits. Sex has nothing to do with it. All you guys are doing is adding sex to an already existing dynamic. That's why I can't stand when people say you can learn to be submissve and you can learn to be dominant because you can't. You either are or you aren't. Trust me one day I am going to write a dissertation on why this is in MLA format. So everyone can clearly understand that.

Unless then, let me just say and do a public service announcement : I don't care how big your cock is. I don't want to see your penis pictures. I could careless what you wanna do to me, how you wanna lick me or where you wanna stick it in, so for the love of all things holy, stop messaging me about it!

Broken hearts and Mended Wings

  It is hard to mend a broken heart,  and I have had my heart broken many a time. By My ex husband, by Rayne, by countless family members and friends. It has gotten to the point where when I begin to get close to someone I often wonder: "what grievous wound will this one inflict on my heart?" When I was reading Harry Potter and J.K Rowling was explaining horcruxes, I thought it was a very accurate analogy, which really causes you to feel some sympathy for Voldemort. Having your heart broken feels much like having a piece of your soul fractured.  You feel like you have a lost a piece of yourself that you will never get back. I once heard a phrase that got me through much of my divorce "A broken heart can be mended when replaced with deep devotion." Originally I assumed the quote was referring to religious devotion.  I never for a second thought that the quote could be applied to a person....until I met Dan.

      The relationship with Dan has been one that has been different from every other relationship I have ever been in. One key element that makes it from all the rest.  **It wasn't born of necessity**. We genuinely wanted to be with one another, and trust. Trust was something in a relationship that I had always alluded me. I always saw my mates as potential threats to me. However with Dan it is entirely different. I know within my little submissive heart that I never have to worry about him casting me aside for another person, I never have to wonder if one day he will wake up and not feel the same about me. I never have to wonder if he will raise a hand to me (out of the kinky context) or if I will come home to find another woman in my bed.  It's not so much an expectation, as I just know. The only real fear I have regarding our relationship is that one day I may become too much for him to handle, but that is slowly fading with time as we work together to heal my broken heart.

  I am truly fortunate to have found Dan. He is willing to sit there and hold me when I am having a rough night or going through a panic attack. He is willing to go through the perils of a divorce with me. In the past 18 months that we have been together he has never once left my side or abandoned me in a time of need. He has allowed me to be utterly  and what seemed irretrievably broken. All the while loving me despite this. I can't imagine its easy. I can't imagine it is pleasant being with someone you have to watch fall apart on a regular basis. There have been many times I have wished that I had meet Dan before I had meet my ex husband, I was a completely different person. However, I suppose if I hadn't been treated so poorly and with such contempt I wouldn't know what a truly rare and remarkable person Dan is.  I have never meet someone who makes me want to be a better person in the way that Dan does. It is great when you can work on yourself for you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier when you have someone there who genuinely wants to see you succeed. It is like having someone holding your hand as you walk through a dark and treacherous tunnel that's really long and dark, but as soon as he holds your hand you can begin to see the light at the end of it.

 I have never been an affectionate person, nor a sentimental person, but whenever he walks in the door all I want to do is sit in his lap and be held in his arms. I never wanted to spend a terribly large amount of time with my ex, but when he is home I generally can think of doing nothing else. It lights up my world to see a smile on his face. Even the sex is passionate instead of awkward and uncomfortable as it has been in many of my relationships.  I have endured many years of heartbreak and been living with the repercussions of loving others, but now I am slowly healing it through deep devotion.