What It's Like to Fall from Grace

       You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan.  I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.

    After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me.  He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..

    Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.

 We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym?  Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner?  I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine."  Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.

 I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago.  I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.

Worth

Very short post, as I just want to word-ify some thoughts I have.

Sometimes the easy way out is the best solution. Sometimes giving into your carnal instincts is the right choice. Sometimes action is better than caution.

Sometimes is not always.

As a submissive man, there is a lot of...scum in my peers, which breeds scum in the dominant side of this community. I have no real experience with male doms of male subs, so I can't really speak to that, so I'll speak only to the female side of the equation.

I want to get this out of the way right now, I have no qualms against "pro dommes", those who make the sexual side of S/m a profession. That is fine, that is free-market capitalism; providing a desired service for payment in a generally regulated environment.

No, the ire I have is mostly directed at "pay-dommes", modestly-to-very attractive women who say you have a small penis then demand large sums of money to continue to call your penis small. Those who think verbal abuse is domination and the fools that think that humiliation is submission.

(on the pro domme thing again, there are plenty of people who pay for that kind of stupid humiliation stuff; if it gets them off, it gets them off, but they're at least doing it in a regulated, business-like manner, and paying a reasonable amount of money rather than "lol gimmie ur paycheck, loser")

Now is the time where I admit I have impulses, most days if not every day. This is the said easy way out. To just find some college student with the foresight to use the vulnerability of others to their advantage and live with the abuse. Or worse yet, fall in with some foolish Cybellean, or other gender/race supremacist and live a lie of having an inferiority complex.

I fight those impulses, for I know my life is worth more than that. That I am more than that. I must fight those impulses, because this life isn't worth wasting. I will fight these impulses, because the alternative is surrender.

I am not worthless, despite what I might say. My life is not worthless, despite what I might think. No life is worthless, despite what I might believe. For this reason, I must fight, as there is few things worth fighting for more than myself.

Consensual Slavery Vs. Actual Slavery

Naevia from Spartacus

I wrote about this topic once already back in 2011, Many people did not find it favorable and you know what? Many people are not going to like it now.  However, it is a topic that desperately needs to be addressed. I can hear it now. "Pea how can you comment on being a slave when you identify as a sub."  Well little chick-a-pea, I have been in the lifestyle since I was 18, I am now 25. I have plenty enough time to venture down that road of consensual bondage.

I have heard it said several times in the community that slaves differ in a D/s relationship from a submissive because slaves do not have rights, and or limits. I know that the following statement has been beaten to death with a mallet and hanged on the archway of every D/s bloggers door way but I will say it again and even use my italics to add emphasis for you. " Everyone  has limits." No you're not the exception, no you're not more devoted because you are willing to stick more in your ass. Even you, yes you my dead have limits. You really have to understand the horrors of actual non consensual slavery to understand this. In actual slavery, your children can be sold away, your daughters can be used for sexual pleasure, your sons can be put to death if you live in a country (or time period) that supported enslavement. If these things don't fall into your list of limits or things you wouldn't consent to, they honey... you need to sit down , put on a pot of coffee, take some time to reevaluate your like, and seek therapy.  

   The fact of the matter is, in consensual slavery you very well do have rights. You can deny them, you can refuse to use them, but I guarantee there is that one thing that will eventually come up that will finally make you use a safe word and scream "bandannas!" There are things you are not willing to do, and that is perfectly acceptable. "Look pea, I know I am a slave! and I know that slaves have no rights! I even let my Master stick a dildo in my ass, and press a bullet to my clit. Now that's dedication!" Here's the thing sweet tart. Yes, in consensual slavery you may often submit to things you don't necessarily want to do.  Submissives in relationships also do things they don't necessarily want to do. As a child, I did things I didn't want to do when I obeyed my parents. As a student I do things I don't want to do for my teachers. As a worker , I do things for my boss I don't want to do. I digress. I can however, at any time decide to change employment, I can at any time decide to longer attend that school. Same as a person in consensual slavery can at anytime and has every right to terminate their relationship with the person who they call Master. 

Now I can understand wanting your dynamic to get as close to the real thing as possible, that's a common want of many people in the lifestyle. I completely understand it especially with shows like Spartacus and Sally Hemmings: An American Scandal romanticizing slavery. Here's the truth, yes it happened slaves sometimes fell in love with their owners. Whether or not it was actually love, or some generally all around fucked up case of Stockholm syndrome is up to a psychologist. Still, mental illnesses aside falling in love with your owner was generally pretty rare. It wasn't a case of submission... it was a case of survival. Many slaves actually poisoned, rebelled, and killed their owners.  Actual slavery was nothing like consensual slavery. 

 I can not tell you how many times I have had a slave tell me. "I'm not a submissive pea, I am a slave." I am usually content to just sit there and nod and smile while I internally facepalm myself , but this time I will explain why. All slaves are submissive but all submissive aren't slaves. The act of you obeying your Master/dominant/Daddy/Mistress, whatever is relevant to you is called submission. The very art of being the bottom of any relationship is submission. In a D/s relationship, you agree to give up complete control over your relationship, or even equal control over your relationship. The portion of what you get to control differs in every dynamic, but at the end of the day the act of you submitting to a power exchange is submission. 

"So pea are you telling me you have a problem with people identifying as slaves?"  Not at all, I can understand the concept behind it, hell I can even see the beauty in it. I do however have a problem when I have to listen to slaves come and explain to me how they are "true" slaves because they don't have limits or rights in their dynamic. I have an issue with people thinking that the refusal to invoke a right, is the same thing as being forfeit of them.  If you identify as being a slave that is perfect acceptable and awesome, and no one can tell you how to live your dynamic. Just know the difference between consensual slavery and Actual slavery. Consensual slavery can be a beautiful act of devotion and submission. Actual slavery is diabolical, inhumane, and an unforgivable act of human disregard. 

Stay classy, readers. 

The Alpha Submissive.

   Alright, I may have confused some people a little with the last post. Pea how can you be both dominant and submissive? Well my beautiful sugarnuts, take a seat and I will give you guys the whole damn run down. I am what you would call an Alpha submissive. I pretty much do what the fuck I want, within reason. Think of the animal kingdom and a lion pride. Think of say predator and prey. My submission is more instinctual than anything. Some people to me are prey, and some people to me are predators. That is to say, some are submissive and some are dominant, and I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. Don't get me wrong I see some people as my equals but not very many. Take for example my wife lele, I love her , I care for her, we are both submissive, but to me...we aren't really equals, I think this may be because you exerts more of a submissive nature than I do.
Alpha lionesses in female prides however are still submissive to the male in the pride, ...while she's keeping those other bitches in check.

  I also don't give submission freely. I have a hard time with this more than anything else. When I have established whether or not I want someone as a Dominant, I might skip a toe out of line just ever so slightly to see where my boundaries are, if the dominant is going to remain consistent, ..the only time I don't really do this is when the dominant exudes enough dominance off of them selves that I don't really have any question about it, for example...that's the kind of relationship I had with Rayne, I didn't really need to test waters to see where we stood. However if I am not sure, I will even push for dominance to be exerted so that it is clear, I might do this by something simple, like wrestling, or stepping a toe or two out of line. For example,... I was sooo sleepy today, I had left at 6:30 this morning to go to Knoxville with no sleep the night prior, had to be in Knoxville for a couple of hours, and didn't make it back to the house until noon, ..I passed out, well Dan wanted to show me something in the backyard, and woke me up at 3...so I only got three hours of sleep. His method of waking me up today was to shake me. My response was to bite him. Apparently I bit him harder than I meant to because he smacked the shit out of my thigh. It actually kind of surprised me, so I am not really sure if he meant to do it on purpose or if it was a quick reaction caused by the pain...either way, apparently biting is off limits and it's kinda obvious where he stands on it.

  I am not really sure why I feel the need to make Dominants "work" or "earn" my submission. I guess I just really feel like I should know in advance if you are not going to be able to handle me, or not going to be able to live up to your dominantly duties. I guess I also kind of feel like in order for you to command me, you have to be able to strip me from power. This usually isn't just a one time thing either... you have to remember I deal with a lot of bullshit on a regular basis, which puts me in the position to have to be big bad mama bear, so by the time Dan gets home I am usually riled up and not in a submissive frame of mind. Sometimes I need a reminder of when its time to settle down. Dan and I actually did play this game in the form of a little wrestling match. ...He threw me around like a rag doll for about an hour. Dan does Muy Tai , Brazilian Jujitsu, and Karate...and I do ..".trynottolethimbreakyourfuckingarmitsu"

  "Pea but you've said several times you're a natural submissive, why would anyone need to struggle with you for you to submit." I am a natural submissive. Submission is actually my natural state, However I got other issues going on over here sometimes where I can't really be submissive dealing with tenants and crazy people. I also enjoy the thrill of someone claiming Dominance, and them exerting it. I am also loud mouthed, opinionated, and over all bitchy, yet still submissive. What makes me a natural submissive isn't the fact that I will kneel down to every dickhead on the planet, it's because I have the natural desire to submit. I want to be obedient, and subservient, I just dont want to be that way with everyone.

  Now here's the part that might be confusing some people. "Pea didn't you use to be super meek and ultra submissive beyond reason?" Yes I did, but that wasn't really my own doing, that came from years of growing up in a family where males ran the family, and demanded submission from the females, and walking on egg shells of my overly temperamental husband. That wasn't submission...that was tyranny. To me submission is really of your own accord, ...if I am taunting you to give you the go ahead to assert your dominance..that I have in truth already submitted. We're just dancing tango at this point. So yes for a really long time, I was fairly meek and quiet, and obedient, but guess what, that's actually the part of my submission that doesn't comes naturally. It was like second nature for a while, but it wasn't natural. Personally I prefer how I am now. I am authoritative, and able to speak in person now, what I have always been able to say in print, it just came with a bit of practice, and the realization no one can any long smack me upside my head anymore if I don't seem overly...preyish.

  Now you may be thinking "Well pea, if you are both authoritative, and submissive wouldn't that make you a switch?" Absolutely not, I do not seek out people to dominate, I am seeking out people who can dominate me, if you can't I generally tend to loose interest...as shallow as that sounds. It's actually really quite instinctual if you think about it, animals in the animal kingdom do it all the damn time. I also have no desire to exert my non existent dominance over anyone either. More than likely I won't see you as an equal if you are submissive either... that's a little harsh, but it's also honest. I mean I wont beat you and treat you poorly and we will probably will be really good friends and I will care for you, but I probably won't ever see you as an equal. There are some exceptions to this, ...I think it might be other Alpha females. For example I see lele (wife) as a submissive, but I see angelic(wife) as an equal. The only reason I can imagine for the difference is angelic may be an Alpha submissive as well. Either way that's my intellectual take on it, its not like I have a degree in psychology so don't quote me verbatim. Stay Classy Bitches.

Implements don't make you Dominant.

Alright guys I am going to talk to this from my point of view , which some people might not agree with since everyone really has their own definitions within the lifestyle. There is really no set standard for them. So if you disagree with this post, that’s cool. Feel free to write your own blog thingy on the subject. Moving right along. Now when I first think of M/s , the thing that typically comes to mind for me is Sadism and Masochism. Which in turn makes me thing of Bdsm clubs, and sceneing, and you know that whole leather branch of Bdsm genre. Since I don’t really like pain, and I’m not really a major fan of sadism either. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching another girl get her ass beat just as much as the next person, but it’s not really a huge part of my participation in the lifestyle.

  I consider myself to fall into the Domination/ and submission category. I enjoy having rules, guidelines, and expectations. I like having consequences if I don’t follow those guidelines, even if I don’t particularity like the consequences. I don’t get all hot and bothered by “Kneel slut and suck my cock” In all honesty, I am probably going to laugh of you. For me, it’s the power exchange that I enjoy. I enjoy having a head of my house hold that I am subservient too. That doesn’t mean we need to forgo all common courtesy. I digress, that subject for another time. There’s so many sub-categories to domination and submission , that I could write a fucking dissertation on it. I think it’s really all the same thing but a twist on each category. Master and slave for example.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Goreans.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Pet girls.. dominating and submitting. Daddies/Mommies and littles? Dominating and Submitting. You get my point. I think that might be why when I see M/s I don’t automatically assume Master/slave.

  I won’t get into the debate between Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive. You already know I feel they are the exact same thing that uses different titles. Feel free to disagree with me, that’s you’re prerogative. I can hear all the slaves going “I ain’t no damn submissive pea, I’se a slave! You take it back! you take it back right now damn it!” Calm down and breath. Yes, you are a slave that is the title you have given yourself. However, what you are doing is submitting ..which in turn makes you submissive. BOOM! Mind fucking blown! To what ever degree or how ever much protocol you want to add to that, it still doesn’t change the fact that you are submissive.
  
  You know, a lot of what I find attractive about the lifestyle, people wouldn’t call BDSM at all. “What bitch? You do dishes and laundry? and you think that makes you submissive? Shove an anal plug up your ass then talk to me about being submissive pea!” I kid I kid , but the truth is the fact that I feel doing those simply daily things like cleaning, and cooking, and making crocheted blankets, is what is so awesome about the lifestyle, if it makes you feel submissive, if it’s what you want for your lifestyle, then by all means don’t let me or anyone else dictate what you do in your dynamic. The best thing you can do is to be true to yourself. No matter what category or unlabeled dynamic you may have chosen. Stay classy America.

Being a Brat Vs. Playfulness

A while back , not to long ago, I wrote a piece on bratting, and even my own self admitted brattiness. However, after speaking to a few Dom's and Submissives on what a brat is to them, perhaps "brat" would not be the most accurate word for me. Trial and Error my dears. What I have heard from several accounts, most people consider brats to be , submissives that purposely try to annoy Dom's into giving them negative attention, or use their behavior to steer a Dom to their means. Topping from the bottom so to speak. Yeah, that's not really my thing. I can't imagine why I would honestly want a Dom upset with me.

I can honestly understand how people would mistake me to fall under the category of a brat. Each person has their own ideals on exactly what they think the lifestyle should be, as well as how every dynamic in the lifestyle should be. I may have not been in many relationships in my life, but I am aware that no two of them were alike. So, I don't know why people expect conformity in the lifestyle. I defiantly don't fit the bill on what most people think a submissive should be. I don't kneel. Why should I have to kneel to show reverence? I don't call every Tom ,Dick and Harry "Sir, or Master" What for? Submission isn't protocol , and it certainty isn't fancy honorifics. This irks people, and apparently comes off as "disrespectful" and to those people I say, get over yourself. Not calling you Master, or kowtowing to you doesn't make me any less of a submissive.

Now, I love playing with Doms, I think Tynian put it best last night. "You know where the line is, and you always stop before you cross it. That isn't being a brat, it's being smart." I absolutely love to play. You know in hindsight , it has never actually been a Dom I was playing with , who I offended. It was always either some bitchy Free woman, who had nothing to do with it, or another submissive. I honestly don't get women, why would you start shit with me just because a Dom is choosing to give me attention? You know what the best thing about being uncollared is? The attention. Now I know... some people are like "but pea, I thought attention seeking is bad and bratty?" Yes, and No. It can be depending on how you go about it. When I am being playful with a Dom, and notice that he doesn't approve of my antics... I stop immediately. I'm kinda sensitive at heart , so it's pretty easy to hurt my feelings. So I try to avoid that. A Brat, will accept any attention, including negative at whatever expense of the Dom. She will keep pushing and pushing until she gets her way. Whether she wants attention, whether she wants him to bend to his will. Whether she causes a scene just to get a punishment.

Another reason people like to throw me in the brat category or in the "wanna be subbie" line is because I am in no way shape or form, or in any sense of the word "Meek" I am known for standing up for myself, I am known for being a spitfire. If you are picking on me (which many Free women, and other submissives have) I will stop you out with a quickness, and put your snarky ass back in your place. People seem to be under the delusion , that just because I am submissive means I have to be submissive to everyone, or that I need to be malleable, and delicate. Comedy. It takes a mighty heart to be submissive, and I don't see anyone who is easily maneuvered or manipulated, or easily influenced, being successful in that role. I guarantee you that submissive would be subjected to all kinds of abuse before she found her way.

People in the Lifestyle seem to forget that world law, trumps lifestyle law any day. You can ask anyone who keeps my company, I am always respectful, as long as you come at me with respect, and realize that until I have made a conscious decision to submit to you... or at the very least show you reverence, that we are in fact equals. I will not do as you command, and I will not call you Master, I will not call you Sir. I will in fact, speak to you as a peer, but with mutual respect. That isn't to say that one has to be my Dom to earn that kind of acknowledgement from me, there are plenty in the lifestyle who I afford those same curtsies because they earned it.

Why is it that people expect slaves and subbies to be rigid in everything but bed? I have a news flash for you people , liking to have fun and play around does not automatically equal brattiness. You wanna to know the honest truth? I think I would gouge my eyes out from boredom , if all I ever did was kneel prettily, be all graceful, and and fetch water and food for a Dom. Kill me...now. My existence would be meaningless. I love to engage in conversation, I love to learn new things, I love adding to my arsenal of capabilities and interest. I can be quite beguiling, and I love to entertain, and by far the most I love to play. So the next person to call me a brat, really needs to evaluate , exactly what a brat is, and whether they are correct, or they are just being vindictive because I hurt their inflated ego, or don't submit to their protocols, because baby I wrote the Award winning dissertation on submission ;)

Slaves Vs. Submissives

OK I may or may not have written about this topic before, and my views on things generally don't change, so you will have to forgive me , if this post seems repetitive. I am writing this post from both perspectives; submissive, and slave, having myself, been in a dynamic for each genre, so to speak. The most common thing I have heard about the difference between a slave and a submissive is; within the slave dynamic the relationship is more about the dominant , while within a submissive relationship it is more about the submissive. While I acknowledge that everyone has the right to their opinion. I must respectfully, disagree.

I don't believe I have ever been any less devoted to Master, then I was to a Dom. I don't think there was any less submission afforded to the other. The difference to me between a slave and a submissive has to do more with what I will refer to as "rights." ... As a submissive, I was more afforded the right to express an opinion, as well as express a dislike or distaste for certain things. Now I am a big advocate of keeping actual slavery separated from consensual slavery, ...so while I must stress the fact that these are also rights afforded to BDSM slaves, I do understand that as a slave we forfeit, our right to...well, rights.

The biggest problem I have with consensual slavery , is people who claim to have "no limits" ..Everyone has limit's I assure you, but I do understand the concept of a Master not allowing his slave limits. Been there, done that, have the coffee mug. Slave is not something I really identify with very well, because I have an overwhelming need to express my opinions, I enjoy reserving the right to say no. Just because I say no to my Dom, doesn't make me any less submissive I assure, submission is not succumbing to every fucked up , and depraved sexual torture that some Dom wants to put you through. In fact I have been in relationships that were D/s and were not sexual in nature at all. Something that people within the lifestyle seem to forget is that dominance and submission, are traits. They aren't sexual acts, they aren't fetishes. Take notes class.

Did I feel any different as a submissive than a slave? Honestly, yes .. as a slave I felt more restricted then I was as a subbie, to communicate with my Dom, and express my feelings. Not saying that's how it is will all slaves, this is just my own personal experiences with it. I really honestly never had trouble as a slave. In fact, I quite excelled at it. However, it just isn't my preferred way of life. Submission comes to me as naturally as the air I breathe. I won't go as far to say I was born submissive, because I honestly think it had more to do with my upbringing, but I can tell you I don't have a dominant bone in my body. That's not to say I don't have the ability to assume leadership roles, or to be assertive, anyone who thinks that submissives and slaves are so weak minded that they can be molded, or "broken" or are doormats, need to really analyze their role in this lifestyle and take a step back. Humans are by nature and birth highly spirited people, and I believe there is nothing worse then a door mat submissive. (Yes, I'm sure that's offensive to someone, after all there is a group of people proud to be called doormats. Get over it.)

Do I think slaves are better than submissives or that slaves submit more? Nope.
Don't at all, I think they are equally on par with each other. If you are honestly that delusional to believe that "everything you do is for your Dom and to make them happy", you're a goddamn liar. You get something out of it too, or you wouldn't be doing it and that's just the got honest truth. So be it slave or submissive you are defiantly doing it for your benefit as well , so I don't see how slavery can be "more about the Master" then submission. It's the same damn concept. Yes , consensual slavery may have more control, but YOU chose that role. So that tells me , You're the one who wanted it that way. Ive seem Dom/Subbie rolls that were just as devoted , trusting and loving as any M/s role I've ever seen, but I digress.

I don't so much choose to be submissive as it is just a deeply imbedded character trait of mine. What some slaves fail to realize is they are submissive as well, every bottom in the D/s lifestyle is a submissive first. Because what you are doing is the process of submitting. So slave, kajira, subbie, pet... all submissives. Some may have more control, some may have less, that isn't really decided by your title, but more by the dynamic in your relationship. I just find that the term "subbie" suits me better. If you honest to god absolutely have to put a label on pea, it's "subbie" Mostly, because I am not gonna bow down to your every whim, or asinine sexual fantasy that comes into your head. I honestly don't think any genre of submissives should, but hey far be it from me to tell them how to run their lives. Honestly I'm in a league of my own my dears, and I march to the beat of my own chains.
Stay classy, America ;) 

Etuquette and Other Stuff

Etiquette and Other Stuff
I've talked about things you don't really have to do as far as protocol goes. The fancy kneeling, the honorifics to dominants that aren't your dominant. The serves that take for fucking ever. Let's talk about some of the things that do fall under appropriate behavior when you are meeting a Dom or are under consideration by one.

1.) Be Normal. Don't go be spreading in Nadu in front of a new Dominant that you don't even know displaying your genitals and begging to serve them. Honestly, if that's how you seek a relationship, no wonder you're single. Don't tell them how you wanna serve them and sex them up or want your penis or vagina put into torture devices. Why don't you just try to introduce yourself, say hello talk to them get to know them. You can't just go pick a Dom or Domme out a line and expect it to just happen instantly.

2.) Keep your hands to yourself. I don't know any Dom/Domme who wants to be touched by any submissives they don't know or don't have any type of relationship with. There are plenty of Dominants I will hop into the laps of, but I have built that relationship with them. However, generally I wont touch a dominant I don't know.

3.)Be Respectful. Many people in the lifestyle have this confused terribly. Being respectful does not mean I have to call you Sir, or I have to call you Mistress or Master. I don't, I won't. That doesn't make me disrespectful. I say Hello, I acknowledge your presence. I refrain from calling you an asshole, or a cunt even if I think you are. Respect doesn't mean I have to fall to my knees begging to serve you. As long as I treat you the way I want to be treated, then I am respecting you.

4.) Don't Top from the bottom. There is so many ways to do this that I could write a dissertation in it. The one that stand out to me the most though is when subs try to underhandedly try to gets tops to dominant them. It's like they feel the need to remind the dominants that they are dominants, and they try to do this very subtly, or by what they think is very subtly like asking a Dom if they need something every 30 fucking minutes. Maybe you should use that time where they don't need you to write, do art, read a book, or improve your skills. I don't know any Dom's who want to micro manage their slaves , or want you up their ass 24/7. Everyone needs their space.

b.) I guess the other side of topping from the bottom who stand out is submissives who display bad behavior for the sheer fact of wanting punishment or wanting attention. Constantly annoying their owner just to get a reaction out of their owner. I really think the best way to deal with this kind of behavior is to ignore it. Kennels are amazing things. I digress. Really if your role in the lifestyle is to be a submissive, why would you do anything to intentionally piss of your owner? I don't have anything against brats, but being a brat and topping from the bottom are two different things.

5.) Have some fucking personality. There's nothing worse then talking to a slave that has no opinions. What do you want to watch? "Whatever you want Master" Do you agree? "Yes, Master anything you say" Knowing damn well you don't. Being a slave doesn't mean you don't have your own thoughts and opinions. Some of the most talented slaves and sought after slaves Ive seen are opinionated, spitfires with loads of personality and thoughts.

6.)DoorMats , I know there are a lot of people proud to be doormats. Well I'm not a door mat, if you want one there is plenty of other doormats out there. You Cannot do what ever you want to me. I DO have limits. Yes I can agree to limits being pushed, but that comes at a time when you and I have built a trust level where that's possible, Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Don't mistake me for one of these playschool submissives that "If you were a real sub you'd do it" grade school manipulation won't work on me. I don't like doormats, and I never want to be one. I am not your yes man.

7.) You don't have to be a slut to be a slave or a sub. I can't tell you how many slaves I hear say. "If my Master wanted me to sleep with a roomful of guys I don't know, I would." Are you fucking serious? You are gonna risk your physical and mental health for a Dom who obviously doesn't give a damn about you if he is willing to do it to you. He's not your Dom honey, He's your pimp. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

8.) Learn some independence. There is nothing sexy about a submissive who is entirely dependent on her Dominant , can't think for herself, and is willing to stay ignorant. Google is your friend. Learn something. I don't care if you learn how to crotchet, learn how to balance a check book, or learn about the Israeli/Palestine war. Just learn something. Make it a daily thing to learn one new thing every day.

Ok this is starting to get out of hand, so I am going to end it here. I might pick back up on it later at a different time and elaborate on it a little more. Stay Thirsty my friends.

Lifestyle Pet Peeves.

 I actually sat down and wrote this list , and to my surprise there wasn't nearly as many as I expected there to be. I only have five for you guys to day, but I can defiantly say without a shadow of a doubt, these are the one's who irk me the most. 

  1.) High Protocol enforcers: Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with living your dynamic the way you want to. If you want your slave kneeling at all times that she is not in service, and calling every Dom in the general area "Master" , more power to you my friend, but for the love of all that is holy realize that not everyone in the world is going to agree with you or follow your doctrine. I for one think that it is an absolute waste of time for me to be sitting there kneeling all pretty like. I would much rather be on my feet doing something productive and being useful. Even if I am just crocheting a blanket its better then sitting there and being idle. Also, who the hell decided that kneeling was a universal symbol of submission? You telling me I can't be submissive if I don't kneel? Screw that! I can sit Indian style and still be submissive. 

  Also if I do not belong to you, there is no reason for me to accept your views on protocol. I don't have to adopt them either. That means if you aren't my dominant, then guess what? I don't have to call you Master. I don't have to get you a drink. I don't have to do shit , but avoid you and your craziness. That being said; generally if you're kind enough not to demand it and let me know that you prefer to be addressed this way, or would I mind doing this for you? Well, I'm pretty accommodating and I don't see why I wouldn't be inclined to oblige. Just, don't be a major douche about it. 

2.)  Blind Obedience: I actually was browsing around some blogs and videos today and apparently people are under the impression that a submissives only responsibility is complete obedience.  Okay, if you wanna be a doormat submissive, what ever. That is your prerogative, but don't expect that to ever be condoned by me. If there is something any dominant ask of me, including my own which I don't agree with or I feel would put me in a negative situation you bet your candy ass I am not going to obey that command. I have seen submissives who thought it was okay that their Dom commanded them to sleep with a room full of men. That's not being dominant , that's being a lecherous douchebag.

     It shows no concern for they physical or psychological well being of your sub.  I really honestly can't understand why any submissive would subject themselves to that, or think that is was okay. Some submissives do need to be taught that sometimes it's okay to say no. There are in fact dom's out there that are looking to take advantage of submissiveness. How many times have we all heard  " Well if you don't do this , you're not a real submissive?" Naturally a submissive wants to be pleasing , but sometimes there is a line that needs to be drawn. Submissives should not blindly follow commands for the sake of submission. 

Just because someone is a submissive does not mean that they loose all identity and freedom of thought. There is nothing wrong with being a submissive who can think, act, and speak for herself. It's okay to have your own opinions. Its okay to have your own interest, and it's okay to have your own personality. I can't count how many times I have seen submissives who believed they couldn't enjoy a band unless their owner enjoyed that particular band as well. You are still your own entity.

3.) Elitiest submissives: They're kind of like the hipsters of the subbie world. These submissives are convinced that they're the best and are more than happy to tell you everything you're doing wrong! Actually, I was in a channel on IRC once and this guy had Master in front of his name. Keep in mind that there was no previous posting anywhere in the channel that it was high protocol. So I called him by his regular nick name. There was no end to the amount of subbies wanting to jump down my throat and tell me how rude I was for not being willing to call him "Master"

  I didn't know the guy from Adam . What had he ever done to show me he was worthy of being called "Master?" Yet these subbies were quick to down me for not doing so. I have also seen subbies down other slaves for not kneeling. Seriously, what is it with you people and kneeling? Not to bring up a tragic moment in our nations history, but...did you ever see an antebellum slave kneeling? I've seen slaves who told others if they weren't house wives, then they weren't real slaves.

Let me explain something right now, NONE of us are real slaves. No one in the lifestyle is a real slave. You have a choice. You have the option to leave your relationship at anytime. You are choosing this, and if you aren't then you don't need to be reading this blog you need to be calling 911 and getting the hell out of there if you have access to a computer.

 4.)  Gor book thumpers: There much like Jehovah's Witnesses. They tell you all about Gor and how wonderful it is, and how everyone should do BDSM this way. Many of the kajira's also remind me of elitist submissives. Basically they're just convinced that their way is the best way. Not saying this about all Goreans. However there is a good percentage of them that are this way that compel me to be annoyed by them. 

If you want to get into knowing about the Gorean lifestyles and philosophies they wanna know how many of the gazillion books you have read to be worthy of their attention. I had a woman once (Still can't stand her, and her boy to this day) Who decided it was okay to tell me that she was going to "kill" me if I refused to obey. I told her she might wanna hold off on the terroristic threats. Some people take it seriously. She didn't like that. Seriously though, why is the lifestyle such a fantasy world for some people. You aren't going to kill me, because you know there is consequences. You aren't going to whip me either because that's an assault charge. Unless I submit to it, you aren't going to do shit to me, so you're threats are baseless.

5. It's all about the sex. Why oh why do you people thing that the lifestyle is about sex and sex alone? I get that for many people it's a fetish. You do this to improve your sex life in the bedroom and what not. However that being said domination and submission aren't fetishes, they're character traits. Sex has nothing to do with it. All you guys are doing is adding sex to an already existing dynamic. That's why I can't stand when people say you can learn to be submissve and you can learn to be dominant because you can't. You either are or you aren't. Trust me one day I am going to write a dissertation on why this is in MLA format. So everyone can clearly understand that.

Unless then, let me just say and do a public service announcement : I don't care how big your cock is. I don't want to see your penis pictures. I could careless what you wanna do to me, how you wanna lick me or where you wanna stick it in, so for the love of all things holy, stop messaging me about it!

"I own you, you belong to me."

      I have always considered myself to be an all around non-affectionate person...that is until a couple of nights ago. I realize that I am affectionate, I am just affectionate in other ways. I was laying down in the bed the other night waiting for Dan to join me and fighting with my phone a bit. When he finally does join me, he promptly takes the phone out of my hand and proceeds to tell me "No phone for you, it's bed time." I decide not to argue and let him place my phone anywhere he wishes. He than states quite clearly "I own you, you belong to me."

      Now for me personally, I have never been quite comfortable with the term "I love you." I really don't say it to anyone, save my children. I just find the whole phrase foreign and uncomfortable for me. However, when he said "I own you, you belong to me. I guess I sort of got an understanding of what "I love you." may mean to some people. It made me feel wanted, it made me feel like he knew I was a responsibility in myself and that for me, he was willing to take on that responsibility. It felt as if he was saying "I am going to protect you, and care for you."

    I have never really sat down and explained what I felt being owned meant. I find it to be a terribly cliche` writing, that has been dragged on and on by countless submissive and slaves. However, I don't think I really understood exactly what it meant to me personally until he uttered those words to me and I realized exactly what I wanted. Being owned by someone means they will protect me, they will care for me. It means they understand that they are accepting a responsibility to me to accept all that I come with, whether it be my children, my flaws or shortcomings.Much the same as I am accepting the responsibility to accept them for who they are.  Most of all it means that they will love me.

 I am not sure if Dan understands this is what he was saying to me when he uttered those words, but boy it sure feels wonderful. I guess how many people feel when someone tells them that they love them. I never thought that submission, and ownership could be so endearing. 

Broken hearts and Mended Wings

  It is hard to mend a broken heart,  and I have had my heart broken many a time. By My ex husband, by Rayne, by countless family members and friends. It has gotten to the point where when I begin to get close to someone I often wonder: "what grievous wound will this one inflict on my heart?" When I was reading Harry Potter and J.K Rowling was explaining horcruxes, I thought it was a very accurate analogy, which really causes you to feel some sympathy for Voldemort. Having your heart broken feels much like having a piece of your soul fractured.  You feel like you have a lost a piece of yourself that you will never get back. I once heard a phrase that got me through much of my divorce "A broken heart can be mended when replaced with deep devotion." Originally I assumed the quote was referring to religious devotion.  I never for a second thought that the quote could be applied to a person....until I met Dan.

      The relationship with Dan has been one that has been different from every other relationship I have ever been in. One key element that makes it from all the rest.  **It wasn't born of necessity**. We genuinely wanted to be with one another, and trust. Trust was something in a relationship that I had always alluded me. I always saw my mates as potential threats to me. However with Dan it is entirely different. I know within my little submissive heart that I never have to worry about him casting me aside for another person, I never have to wonder if one day he will wake up and not feel the same about me. I never have to wonder if he will raise a hand to me (out of the kinky context) or if I will come home to find another woman in my bed.  It's not so much an expectation, as I just know. The only real fear I have regarding our relationship is that one day I may become too much for him to handle, but that is slowly fading with time as we work together to heal my broken heart.

  I am truly fortunate to have found Dan. He is willing to sit there and hold me when I am having a rough night or going through a panic attack. He is willing to go through the perils of a divorce with me. In the past 18 months that we have been together he has never once left my side or abandoned me in a time of need. He has allowed me to be utterly  and what seemed irretrievably broken. All the while loving me despite this. I can't imagine its easy. I can't imagine it is pleasant being with someone you have to watch fall apart on a regular basis. There have been many times I have wished that I had meet Dan before I had meet my ex husband, I was a completely different person. However, I suppose if I hadn't been treated so poorly and with such contempt I wouldn't know what a truly rare and remarkable person Dan is.  I have never meet someone who makes me want to be a better person in the way that Dan does. It is great when you can work on yourself for you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier when you have someone there who genuinely wants to see you succeed. It is like having someone holding your hand as you walk through a dark and treacherous tunnel that's really long and dark, but as soon as he holds your hand you can begin to see the light at the end of it.

 I have never been an affectionate person, nor a sentimental person, but whenever he walks in the door all I want to do is sit in his lap and be held in his arms. I never wanted to spend a terribly large amount of time with my ex, but when he is home I generally can think of doing nothing else. It lights up my world to see a smile on his face. Even the sex is passionate instead of awkward and uncomfortable as it has been in many of my relationships.  I have endured many years of heartbreak and been living with the repercussions of loving others, but now I am slowly healing it through deep devotion. 

My submission is a willow tree.

     

  When we first meet, Dan would be quite prone to tell me that he didn't think I was "terribly submissive." From his perspective, he was quite right. I didn't really show anyone that side of me. I run an estate and have tenants and at that time, young adults who I was trying to help out. Young adults and tenants who would have walked all over me, if I seemed to be at any time "not in control." I was never terribly mean but I didn't take any bull, and I certainly wasn't in anyway relenting. I commanded order and personal responsibility in the house hold. I could see where he would be under the impression I wasn't submissive. However, when we started dating things changed. I don't think Dan would know submission if it hit him on the head and squirted.

      One of the things that attracts me to Dan is also one of the things that annoys the piss out of me. He is completely unrelenting in just about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something, ..he's going to do it. If he wants to go spend the entire day at the gun shop browsing guns, it doesn't matter how much whining and pouting I do, that is exactly what he is going to do. Compromising isn't really his thing. Don't get me wrong, Dan isn't some unrelenting asshole who treats me poorly. He is actually a wonderful man, He is just really use to his freedom and was quite keen in the beginning of the relationship to let me know that he wasn't going to give it up. So due to this more often than not, I am the one who bends.  Which is perfectly fine by me. I am submissive after all.

       The way I really see myself in my submission is  much like a tree. I have roots that are deeply embedded into the ground. These are things that I just simply will not bend on. This includes things like : My children and schooling come first..even to Dan. My limits, I will not be humiliated, used, or cheated on. Those things I am not willing to waver on, bend or negotiate. Then there is the main part of the tree which is all of my strength I carry that allows me to be submissive, it allows me to know when somethings are best to let go of and let him have, and when I need to be a root. Finally, the branches of the tree are my flexibility, it is where I am willing to waiver. I want chicken tonight, he wan'ts pork chops. So we will have pork chops.  You may not believe it but bending to little things like this makes our relationship easier, and more peaceful for the both of us. I am willing to let him have control of the remote when we watch t.v together. I am willing to accept whatever movie he wants to watch when we go out to the movie theater. I accept things that I am unhappy about, albeit someone begrudgingly. For example, his relationship with Scary spice...as much as I don't like it. I know that it is his right to have female friends, and I know that he isn't sleeping with her.

      I asked Dan a couple of days ago if he thought he would ever want to explore.(Meaning other women, since I am his first long time relationship.) He promptly shook his head and informed me that I was "too much for him to handle." and that he didn't want another woman. He honestly looked stressed from the thought. The thing about it is, ...I am not sure he realizes that there are many women out there who wouldn't be willing to bend as much as I do. There are women out there that would have probably scratched scary spice's eyes out by now. That being said, the more I have been bending and the more I submit to the things he wants, and what he wants me to do. I notice more and more that our relationship runs more smooth and we are both happier. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am making huge sacrifices here, or that I am being deprived. I feel like I have my own special brand of submission that allows for our relationship to be better, and we are both genuinely happy.

Collars. A quick Review!

Does my nose look big to you? 

    The collar I have from Ring Of Steel by Vadfarkas was originally given to me in 2012 from Rayne. It it what is known as a coffle collar with hinge ring and padlock option. It is a custom made original that Rayne asked Vadfarkas to design specifically for me. It cost approximately $250.00 There is a total of 7 gems in-bedded in it. 2 purple, 2 white, 2 green and one red in the back where the collar connects to a heart shaped pad lock. What I really like about this collar is the quality it was made. I have had it for about 3 years now and there is absolutely no blemished, no wear and tear. There isn't so much as a smudge on it and I can take a shower with it on without having to worry about it rusting. I also love the fact that it has the o-ring on it to be able to attack a leash. (Which I have of course done.) Even though I do not wear this collar, I have to say because of the quality and durability attached, it's my favorite collar. I will definitely be purchasing another one of Vad's products in the hopefully very near future.So it is a little bit more pricier..but in my opinion it is completely worth it if you want a collar that is going to last you for life!  For those who do not know what ring of steel is you can view their website here Ring of Steel

look at those boobs!! mmmm

      The collar that Dan got for me was given to me in 2013 for my 24th birthday and is the collar I currently wear. He purchased it from the website without the pendant. The one I have is called "original." They also have other options such as "gold plated" and "titanium." The collar without the pendant cost exactly $100.00 and at the time was shipping free if you made a purchase over $90.00. What I like about this collar set was the ability to add the pendant , though the pendant is an extra $55.00. However, the pendant can be inscribed. You can pick the font and what you want your pendant to say. Mine is inscribed in the font "Josephine" and the front says "Dan's" while the back says "sweetpea" The drawback to this collar is I would not recommend wearing it in the shower...the collar itself won't rust but the allan screw it comes with will. I am also having a bit of trouble with it as far as closing. I literally have to slam it shut every time I need to close it back around my neck. However, I could just be unlucky. All in all it's a pretty decent collar. You can check out their website at Eternity Collars.

I hate this photo.

Finally, the last collar I own comes from The Collar Factory who specialized in more of a leathery type of collar. Now for anyone who knows me they know I cannot stand leather collars. So don't let my hatred of leather sway your opinion! That being said this was the first collar given to me by Rayne before we had ever meet in person. So I guess it was kind of like.. a promise collar? It was $50.00. Now there are three things that I do like about this collar. 1.) It is absolutely affordable, if you think $50.00 is unreasonable you should really check out some of the custom collars made on etsy to gain some perspective of the going rates of quality collars. 2.) It is very easy to customize via their website. You can pick the type of buckle., What the collar says (Mine says Rayne) and the color of the threat lining. 3.) What I like most about it is it isn't leather on the inner side it is a nick pink plush that is very soft against my skin. The downside? Well it's leather for one..and I just have a weird hatred of leather. The ends do tend to somewhat tatter, and my dogs to destroy it in a heartbeat if I didn't keep it in a safe locked box. However I feel it is a good first collar, ...especially if you are on a budget. You can check their store out at The Collar Factory

Stay Awesome Folks! 

Dominance and Submissiveness Are Traits!!! (A Rant)

      Okay before I begin Let's all commend my little brother on his blog post, and his wonderful way to lead by example of the standards that submissive males should hold themselves too if they want to become less of a stigma. Prove them wrong! Great writing tarken!

     Now then, I want you guys to get your pen's and pencils ready because I am going to be dropping some knowledge bombs on your ass! I was scrolling through my feed and saw a posting in the wonderful group "Return to Sender" Which is a great group , if you haven't seen it feel free to check it out in all of it's glory. Now, in this post a man was ranting at a woman who had politely told him that she was not interested in hooking up with him. The guy proceeded to berate her as not being a "true" submissive and if she was not interested in casual encounters and hook ups why was she on Fetlife to begin with? Please stand by while I continuously face palm for a moment.

Alright, let's first tackle the statement that this woman was not a "real submissive." I absolutely hate the notion that a woman/man has to be completely docile, "Yes Sir/ No Sir" , and bow down and kneel all the time, and kowtow to every dominant they come across. This is absolute bull crap. The whole notion of "the true submissive." is absolute bull crap. You know what a true submissive is? Anyone who is submissive.  I know, I know...let that sink in for a moment. Contrary to popular belief neither submissive nor dominance is a title, it is not a sex position, it is not an act of sex. It's a trait. Don't believe me? Let me get Webster on this shit!
Being dominant or submissive is not exclusive to the BDSM lifestyle! You can be submissive and never take a paddling, never call a dominant Sir, and never do a pretty elegant serve. Just like you can be dominant and never spank a submissive, never attend a much, and never wear leather pants with the ass cheeks cut out. (God forbid!)

 What people seem to fail to realize is that dominance and submission comes from pact mentality. Not from sex itself, not from the lifestyle.
That being said, do not think that I am not aware that dominance and submission can be sexualized. That my friends is after all where the sex comes into play. Being submissive, I am going to be more attracted to the man who can protect and provide for me that for the one who can't. Even I as a submissive actively seek out other traits in my dominant that I find to be inherently dominant. Ergo, I am going to want to squirt my submissive juices all over that. It's something more ingrained in nature than anything. Same goes for dominance. Also, I know there are classes where you can train to become dominant or submissive. Let me explain something else to you. You cannot learn to become dominant if you aren't dominant. You cannot learn to become submissive if you are not submissive. These are traits!!! Not sex roles. It really can't be stresses enough. What they are teaching you is what is considered lifestyle etiquette for those who identify as Dominants or submissive. Becoming dominant and submissive is a purely biological and nurturing factor. Some of it is based on genetics , but most of it is based on how you are raised and your experiences that effect you growing up. Yeah , get your mop and soak that up!

  Now onto the second part that bothered me, and I promise I will keep it short. "Why come to Fetlife when you don't want to hook up and have casual encounters?" Wow! Fucking really?! Being one of those people who comes to fetlife who has no desire in the least to find " play partners" let me go ahead and bow my head in silence for the stupidity that has been displayed here. I come to fetlife to meet like minded people. I am sure everyone here knows just how hard it is to have to hide that part of yourself from friends/family members/ co-workers. I am so glad that this site exist because I get to read and experience other people's opinions about the lifestyle. I get to share my thoughts and ideas and find out what people like, and dislike, I also get to perv beautiful pictures, and some not so great pictures that make you wanna run away screaming for your mommy. News flash ; shock factor is huge.  I want to be able to have friends I can talk with about dealing with my partner who are not going to judge me and say "call the police on him!" because he spanks me. That's why I am here, and is that after all not the American dream? I kid I kid.  So I am going to end my rant here, because even though I can go on and on and write a dissertation on this ... I think I made my point. Stay classy lifestylers. 

What I Want In A Dominant

I suppose before I start this blog post, an introduction is in order. I'm pea's younger brother, not a brother by blood, but close enough. Like her, I am a submissive. Like her, I am a college student. Unlike her, I have a penis. This complicates D/s related matters, as submissive men have a (deserved) negative reputation in the minds of most people. I'm no good at picking writing topics, so I asked pea for one, and here we are at what I would want in a dominant partner. This'll be a treat.

I've often thought of this topic, but never really thought how to best put it to words, so I suppose I'll just have to run down my criteria as they come to mind. I guess this will reflect how important they are to me. Let's start with a fairly simple thing, gender. I am sexually attracted to women more than men. This isn't to say this is a set-in-stone fact, but after thinking about it a bit, I came to the conclusion that I would more likely be more interested in a relationship with a woman.

From an easy topic to a more complex one, one that I will bluntly put for the sake of brevity. I will not submit to anyone less intelligent than myself. This likely comes off as arrogant, because it probably is, but it's the reality of the situation. When I told pea of this, she replied with a statement along the lines of "you'll be alone for the rest of your life", which is wonderful moral support. However, I'm not as smart as she thinks I am, nor am I as smart as I think I am.

What's more, I don't mean "intelligent" in the book-smart sense; quite frankly, I don't care if a partner knows what a quadratic equation is, much less how to solve it. I refer to the word in a more holistic sense. Perhaps the correct word to use would be is wisdom. It is, after all, a complex feeling I have on this matter. I just know that I probably would not submit to someone who doesn't fulfill this Daedalean need that I have in order to submit.

This segues in a way that doesn't segue into the topic of age. This was something else I put a great deal of thought into, and the result was surprisingly narrow minded by me. After thinking on it, I'd much rather be in a relationship with someone around about the same age as myself (23), give or take a few years. I thought this to be somewhat vein, and it is; age should make no difference. But it does. Not in any sexual sense at least, but in terms of relating to a person, I'd much sooner make an emotional connection with someone who grew up with the same things as myself, in the same cultural age as myself.

Does this mean it is impossible for me to ever get into a relationship with someone my elder by a decade or more? Not at all. But I suspect that I would find it easier the closer the person's age is to my own.

Now comes the physical part, in that while pea cares more of matters sensual and psychological, I care more about the physical aspect (which isn't to say that I don't care about other things; just that I also care about bondage and fetishes and stuff.). To be blunt once more, I am horribly perverted person. This would likely be a fairly major sticking point to someone who isn't much into physical stuff as I am, and would likely tank a relationship with such a person.


As for other physical stuff, I have thought about it, and I've discovered that I'm not as nit-picky as I thought I was. At the end of the day, while I do have certain racial preferences, a person I am attracted to (mentally or physically; ideally both) is a person I am attracted to, be they Asian, Caucasian, Latino/a, or Black. In terms of other physical attributes, I've found that I'm not picky. This isn't to say that I do not have things that I find sexy, in either gender, but that's another blog topic for another day.

Oh, that said, I like taller people or shorter people. Not so much people around my average height. It's one of those things that I'm just weird about.

I think that should be enough for a first blog post, so I'll just leave it here for now. Thanks for taking the time to let me exhibit my vain thoughts.

30 Days of Kink: Day 3

**How Did You Discover That You Were Kinky?**

You know I really thought I was going to be a dominant. The fetish pictures of dominatrix really just appealed to me, and I honestly don't think I would be submissive had it not been for my upbringing , but I guess when I was in my teenage years, ...I started puzzing around the internet for something to satisfy my curiosity about BDSM. Sex and things of that nature was not really something we were "protected" from in my family, so I always knew what sex was, what it was for, and some of the different aspects of sex.

I did find a couple of sites. One I recall in particular was "The Collar Purple" who that I found really interesting, and absolutely loved the art work on. The Other was The Spanking Blog, ..which is amazingly still around.  I am sure there were others but those really stood out to me the most. I didn't realize I was submissive until someone asked me to be dominant, and honestly it really just doesn't work for me, how ever authoritative I might be, I don't have a dominant bone in my body. 

Denying Our submission

 So as some of you may or may not know I was in a relationship in the 2011-2012 year that was a lifestyle relationship, and when it ended I was completely heartbroken. I stopped writing, I stopped coming around Fetlife, I stopped interacting with many of my kinky friends that I had build relationships with and I for all purposes attempted to live a life outside of the lifestyle which I will tell you now is not impossible, ...but it's also not ideal, or easy. 

I tried to keep the submissive part of me hidden deep inside myself. Which you would think wouldn't be hard, especially since my personality comes off as authoritative, and abrasive. Some of my tenants have even gone so far to tell me I am a dictator. (Which isn't true, ...this just isn't a democracy.) Everything right down to my facial features screams "Not submissive" but then.... I seek out dominant traits in my partners on a subconscious level. I find my self usually turned off by a man who is bursting with submissive features. 

I make scenarios happen in my day to day life in which I can act in a submissive way. 

Many of the movies I watch have a submissive/dominant undertone to them or a just out right and blunt Master/ slave relationship in them. I think perhaps because it is just something that I can relate to.  Not to mention as far as what I am attracted to sexually ..just isn't in any sense of the word "Vanilla".  Hell, there use to be a time I could not lubricate without getting smacked around a few times first. 

 Rayskajira asked me the other day why I had been torturing myself so long to live in a vanilla relationship so much and I guess the answer didn't come to me until now but... I feel that perhaps it was because I didn't want to put myself in the some position I was with Rayne, having put her so high on a pedastool, I guess it was a shock to my system when she fell from it. Don't get me wrong there was many great things I learned from Rayne that I am grateful for. Most of all that she gave me the drive to get up and do what is necessary for me to make it in this world, and two years after the relationship has ended, I have gotten my GED, I go to college, I'm a member of the honor society, and by the grace of God I am almost finished with my degree. I am grateful for that, but at the same time I also outgrew what Rayne was there teach me, and now she has her own journey to work through , and do some learning herself before she will be able to teach another person. 

I think going into this relationship I have now, I have a more mature outlook on things. I have a better understanding of who I am as a person. I know with Rayne I was 21 and that's not much younger than I am now with Dan at 25, but oh, if you understood what a difference a year can make. Now don't get me wrong I still have some of the same issues I did 2-3 years ago as far as security blankets and needing to be reassured that I am loved, but it isn't cripplingly so like it use to be. I am definitely more in tune with myself, I know exactly what I want , who I am , and what I won't put up with. Whereas with Rayne there was somethings I would do for the sake of "submission." Where as at this point I'm more likely to say "Nope Nope Nope, piss off dude! " If you can't respect limits, our conversation ends now, and I think that's healthy. It takes so much to give someone all of who you are...that asking for anymore than that, just seems selfish. 

I don't think I will ever be able to ignore the fact that submission is deeply grained inside of me, as cliche` as that sounds it really is. I have always submitted, in my relationships, in my childhood, and sometimes even  I can see how it can be viewed as a weakness. Women are no longer expected to be the submissive housewife types , now they are expected to be fierce and feminist, and warrior women, but I think being true to who you are takes a great amount of courage in it's own right.  I think me coming back into the lifestyle and loving someone again after being consecutively heartbroken takes a leap of faith, and huge amount of willpower, but I know it would be a great deal more painful to continue to deny that part of who I am.  In one of my favorite songs. "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack a line goes "Loving might be a mistake, but its worth making. " because if I was afraid to get back on that horse I wouldn't have meet my current partner who believe me surpassed my ex husband, and Rayne both by bounds.  Anyway, I am rambling at this point so I am gonna go ahead and end it here. Stay classy Fetlife. 

Do we use our dominants as a crutch?

   So the other day I was going through Fetlife as I have been accustomed to doing as of late and read a interesting question in one of the groups I am apart of. I couldn't tell you the question verbatim because I am just not fortunate enough to be blessed with a photographic memory like that but it was somewhere in the lines of  "Do we use dominants as a means to not take accountability for ourselves" Well, I am going to answer this question on two different sides because for me it is a strange yes...and no. Let me attempt to explain.

   I don't technically need Dan checking up on me 24/7 I don't technically need him to make sure I do my homework. I don't need him to make sure I payed the bills that I am responsible for. I don't need him micro managing me. I am fully capable of doing all this myself. However, if he did and there was consequences for not doing these things. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I have been running around here playing adult for the past 10 years and it never gets any easier to be responsible for yourself. There are in a sense consequences if I fail to do what I am suppose to do. If I don't pay the gas... the gas gets turned off. If I fail to do my homework, my grades drop and I loose my scholarships. So yes there is some accountability for these things.

  However sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Let me give you comeback ground into why I think it might be as well as my Dynamic with Dan. I was raised in a really strict rigid household were I was responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, keeping the house clean, laundry, and going to school. I was made to wake up at 4:00am and work my little tail off before anyone else in the house even thought about waking up. Dan is somewhat of a welcome change hes laid back, calm and collected, and pretty much within reason lets me do whatever the hell I want. It's hard for me to come to him and say "I need boundaries, ...I need you to enforce these boundaries. Does that seem like a bit of a parent/ child relationship. ...Yes, unfortunately. Do I absolutely have to have it? No, probably not, I could probably do it all on my own as I do now. However, the house would probably be much cleaner. My attitude would probably be much better. (Trust me I have a bad one.) and He would probably be much happier.

I think for me it would be ideal to be somewhat micromanaged. I think my family did it in such a way that was abusive that instead of becoming more responsible like I am assuming they wanted me to , they instead made me regress into needed boundaries, limits, and consequences. In fact I believe this is where most of my interest in the lifestyle comes from and probably the reason I am not into other things such as nipple clamps, and bondage. Just strictly the D/s side of things. So yes, in that way I kind of can use a Dom as a crutch in the way that I need someone else to make me take accountability for things. I know that perfection is not attainable but that does not make it any less something that I want to strive for. I think I can always be a better me.