The Definition of "True"

Well my lovely Fetlife family, I am writing this because I came across a couple of writings that make me face palm and utter silently to myself "I cannot not even." and because Hornsandhalo loves my rants. I know..she told me so. ;)  so let the ranting commence.

So I saw someone trying to define "submissive" and the fact that submissives could never be slaves because they don't have the "desire to serve" and how as a "True Dominant" they would never be able to accept a submissive under their collar.  They went on to explain that being submissive was someone who attended munches, and got their ass spanked a few times to satisfy their own sexual needs. Ladies and Gentlemen..I have said it once, and I will say it again. A submissive is anyone with the willingness to submit. Anything that goes beyond that statement is personal to each and every individual submissive.

Also I really hate the idealization that people seem to have in the lifestyle that slaves are somehow more devoted than those who identify as submissives. The number one reason I don't identify as a slave is explained in this writing.. To sum it up really I just don't like the term. If you identify as slave that's great, but I really feel that like everything in the lifestyle it is a personal preference. That being said, someone who identifies as a slave, does not mean they are any more devoted to their top than I am. I have the same willingness to submit, I have the same ability to serve as anyone else in the lifestyle. An awesome lifestyle blogger explained it very well when he said. "All slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves." You can read about it on his blog.

Let me explain that, because I can hear the "Oh hell no I ain't no submissive!" ringing a world sound outcry. If you identify as a slave their is a good chance that you submit to a power exchange ..which would require you to submit. Therefore you're submissive.  Submissiveness is not always a title ..it is also a trait, an action, an adjective. It's such a versatile little word, is it not? Now my response to any one who feels the need to refer to themselves as a "true" dominant/slave/submissive....Well, for the dominants and submissives, there really is no such thing thing. Don't blame me, blame Webster. You either are, or you aren't. Save the switches, I haven't forgotten you guys. :)   As for the the definition of a "true" slave ...well, please refer to the previous blog post, it isn't as glamorous as you think.

Now to the final part of my rant. For anyone who ever is under the impression that they cannot be with a submissive, ..or a pet ..or any other label that someone identifies them self with, ..because they wouldn't be as devoted or as submissive as a slave, or a kajira...or again as anything that someone identifies with. Well my friend, ...that's incredibly ignorant of you.  It also tells me that you have an issue with your identity as a dominant , because you are not able to get that same kind of devotion. Why does the label make them any less valuable? Why does a label make their submission any less of a treasure? If you are quick overlook a person based on what a person identifies as then you my friend are missing out on hundreds of opportunities to connect with wonderful people. 

Etuquette and Other Stuff

Etiquette and Other Stuff
I've talked about things you don't really have to do as far as protocol goes. The fancy kneeling, the honorifics to dominants that aren't your dominant. The serves that take for fucking ever. Let's talk about some of the things that do fall under appropriate behavior when you are meeting a Dom or are under consideration by one.

1.) Be Normal. Don't go be spreading in Nadu in front of a new Dominant that you don't even know displaying your genitals and begging to serve them. Honestly, if that's how you seek a relationship, no wonder you're single. Don't tell them how you wanna serve them and sex them up or want your penis or vagina put into torture devices. Why don't you just try to introduce yourself, say hello talk to them get to know them. You can't just go pick a Dom or Domme out a line and expect it to just happen instantly.

2.) Keep your hands to yourself. I don't know any Dom/Domme who wants to be touched by any submissives they don't know or don't have any type of relationship with. There are plenty of Dominants I will hop into the laps of, but I have built that relationship with them. However, generally I wont touch a dominant I don't know.

3.)Be Respectful. Many people in the lifestyle have this confused terribly. Being respectful does not mean I have to call you Sir, or I have to call you Mistress or Master. I don't, I won't. That doesn't make me disrespectful. I say Hello, I acknowledge your presence. I refrain from calling you an asshole, or a cunt even if I think you are. Respect doesn't mean I have to fall to my knees begging to serve you. As long as I treat you the way I want to be treated, then I am respecting you.

4.) Don't Top from the bottom. There is so many ways to do this that I could write a dissertation in it. The one that stand out to me the most though is when subs try to underhandedly try to gets tops to dominant them. It's like they feel the need to remind the dominants that they are dominants, and they try to do this very subtly, or by what they think is very subtly like asking a Dom if they need something every 30 fucking minutes. Maybe you should use that time where they don't need you to write, do art, read a book, or improve your skills. I don't know any Dom's who want to micro manage their slaves , or want you up their ass 24/7. Everyone needs their space.

b.) I guess the other side of topping from the bottom who stand out is submissives who display bad behavior for the sheer fact of wanting punishment or wanting attention. Constantly annoying their owner just to get a reaction out of their owner. I really think the best way to deal with this kind of behavior is to ignore it. Kennels are amazing things. I digress. Really if your role in the lifestyle is to be a submissive, why would you do anything to intentionally piss of your owner? I don't have anything against brats, but being a brat and topping from the bottom are two different things.

5.) Have some fucking personality. There's nothing worse then talking to a slave that has no opinions. What do you want to watch? "Whatever you want Master" Do you agree? "Yes, Master anything you say" Knowing damn well you don't. Being a slave doesn't mean you don't have your own thoughts and opinions. Some of the most talented slaves and sought after slaves Ive seen are opinionated, spitfires with loads of personality and thoughts.

6.)DoorMats , I know there are a lot of people proud to be doormats. Well I'm not a door mat, if you want one there is plenty of other doormats out there. You Cannot do what ever you want to me. I DO have limits. Yes I can agree to limits being pushed, but that comes at a time when you and I have built a trust level where that's possible, Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Don't mistake me for one of these playschool submissives that "If you were a real sub you'd do it" grade school manipulation won't work on me. I don't like doormats, and I never want to be one. I am not your yes man.

7.) You don't have to be a slut to be a slave or a sub. I can't tell you how many slaves I hear say. "If my Master wanted me to sleep with a roomful of guys I don't know, I would." Are you fucking serious? You are gonna risk your physical and mental health for a Dom who obviously doesn't give a damn about you if he is willing to do it to you. He's not your Dom honey, He's your pimp. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

8.) Learn some independence. There is nothing sexy about a submissive who is entirely dependent on her Dominant , can't think for herself, and is willing to stay ignorant. Google is your friend. Learn something. I don't care if you learn how to crotchet, learn how to balance a check book, or learn about the Israeli/Palestine war. Just learn something. Make it a daily thing to learn one new thing every day.

Ok this is starting to get out of hand, so I am going to end it here. I might pick back up on it later at a different time and elaborate on it a little more. Stay Thirsty my friends.

Dominance and Submissiveness Are Traits!!! (A Rant)

      Okay before I begin Let's all commend my little brother on his blog post, and his wonderful way to lead by example of the standards that submissive males should hold themselves too if they want to become less of a stigma. Prove them wrong! Great writing tarken!

     Now then, I want you guys to get your pen's and pencils ready because I am going to be dropping some knowledge bombs on your ass! I was scrolling through my feed and saw a posting in the wonderful group "Return to Sender" Which is a great group , if you haven't seen it feel free to check it out in all of it's glory. Now, in this post a man was ranting at a woman who had politely told him that she was not interested in hooking up with him. The guy proceeded to berate her as not being a "true" submissive and if she was not interested in casual encounters and hook ups why was she on Fetlife to begin with? Please stand by while I continuously face palm for a moment.

Alright, let's first tackle the statement that this woman was not a "real submissive." I absolutely hate the notion that a woman/man has to be completely docile, "Yes Sir/ No Sir" , and bow down and kneel all the time, and kowtow to every dominant they come across. This is absolute bull crap. The whole notion of "the true submissive." is absolute bull crap. You know what a true submissive is? Anyone who is submissive.  I know, I know...let that sink in for a moment. Contrary to popular belief neither submissive nor dominance is a title, it is not a sex position, it is not an act of sex. It's a trait. Don't believe me? Let me get Webster on this shit!
Being dominant or submissive is not exclusive to the BDSM lifestyle! You can be submissive and never take a paddling, never call a dominant Sir, and never do a pretty elegant serve. Just like you can be dominant and never spank a submissive, never attend a much, and never wear leather pants with the ass cheeks cut out. (God forbid!)

 What people seem to fail to realize is that dominance and submission comes from pact mentality. Not from sex itself, not from the lifestyle.
That being said, do not think that I am not aware that dominance and submission can be sexualized. That my friends is after all where the sex comes into play. Being submissive, I am going to be more attracted to the man who can protect and provide for me that for the one who can't. Even I as a submissive actively seek out other traits in my dominant that I find to be inherently dominant. Ergo, I am going to want to squirt my submissive juices all over that. It's something more ingrained in nature than anything. Same goes for dominance. Also, I know there are classes where you can train to become dominant or submissive. Let me explain something else to you. You cannot learn to become dominant if you aren't dominant. You cannot learn to become submissive if you are not submissive. These are traits!!! Not sex roles. It really can't be stresses enough. What they are teaching you is what is considered lifestyle etiquette for those who identify as Dominants or submissive. Becoming dominant and submissive is a purely biological and nurturing factor. Some of it is based on genetics , but most of it is based on how you are raised and your experiences that effect you growing up. Yeah , get your mop and soak that up!

  Now onto the second part that bothered me, and I promise I will keep it short. "Why come to Fetlife when you don't want to hook up and have casual encounters?" Wow! Fucking really?! Being one of those people who comes to fetlife who has no desire in the least to find " play partners" let me go ahead and bow my head in silence for the stupidity that has been displayed here. I come to fetlife to meet like minded people. I am sure everyone here knows just how hard it is to have to hide that part of yourself from friends/family members/ co-workers. I am so glad that this site exist because I get to read and experience other people's opinions about the lifestyle. I get to share my thoughts and ideas and find out what people like, and dislike, I also get to perv beautiful pictures, and some not so great pictures that make you wanna run away screaming for your mommy. News flash ; shock factor is huge.  I want to be able to have friends I can talk with about dealing with my partner who are not going to judge me and say "call the police on him!" because he spanks me. That's why I am here, and is that after all not the American dream? I kid I kid.  So I am going to end my rant here, because even though I can go on and on and write a dissertation on this ... I think I made my point. Stay classy lifestylers. 

Do we use our dominants as a crutch?

   So the other day I was going through Fetlife as I have been accustomed to doing as of late and read a interesting question in one of the groups I am apart of. I couldn't tell you the question verbatim because I am just not fortunate enough to be blessed with a photographic memory like that but it was somewhere in the lines of  "Do we use dominants as a means to not take accountability for ourselves" Well, I am going to answer this question on two different sides because for me it is a strange yes...and no. Let me attempt to explain.

   I don't technically need Dan checking up on me 24/7 I don't technically need him to make sure I do my homework. I don't need him to make sure I payed the bills that I am responsible for. I don't need him micro managing me. I am fully capable of doing all this myself. However, if he did and there was consequences for not doing these things. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I have been running around here playing adult for the past 10 years and it never gets any easier to be responsible for yourself. There are in a sense consequences if I fail to do what I am suppose to do. If I don't pay the gas... the gas gets turned off. If I fail to do my homework, my grades drop and I loose my scholarships. So yes there is some accountability for these things.

  However sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Let me give you comeback ground into why I think it might be as well as my Dynamic with Dan. I was raised in a really strict rigid household were I was responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, keeping the house clean, laundry, and going to school. I was made to wake up at 4:00am and work my little tail off before anyone else in the house even thought about waking up. Dan is somewhat of a welcome change hes laid back, calm and collected, and pretty much within reason lets me do whatever the hell I want. It's hard for me to come to him and say "I need boundaries, ...I need you to enforce these boundaries. Does that seem like a bit of a parent/ child relationship. ...Yes, unfortunately. Do I absolutely have to have it? No, probably not, I could probably do it all on my own as I do now. However, the house would probably be much cleaner. My attitude would probably be much better. (Trust me I have a bad one.) and He would probably be much happier.

I think for me it would be ideal to be somewhat micromanaged. I think my family did it in such a way that was abusive that instead of becoming more responsible like I am assuming they wanted me to , they instead made me regress into needed boundaries, limits, and consequences. In fact I believe this is where most of my interest in the lifestyle comes from and probably the reason I am not into other things such as nipple clamps, and bondage. Just strictly the D/s side of things. So yes, in that way I kind of can use a Dom as a crutch in the way that I need someone else to make me take accountability for things. I know that perfection is not attainable but that does not make it any less something that I want to strive for. I think I can always be a better me.