9/11 and The Butterfly Effect

        13 years ago today, I was in middle school.  I was still in my homeroom class when they wheeled into the classroom, and every one in the classroom stared in awe as the second plane hit the world trade center, and everyone onlooking in horror as people trapped inside of the building began to jump to their deaths. Later on that day, we watched as both towers collapsed in on themselves. Now I will keep my own personal beliefs of what happened on this tragic day to myself, It is really irrelevant for what I want to convey.

  One of my friends on Fetlife, and on Facebook said that he  believes people should "get over it" because it happened 13 years ago, and that it wasn't the greatest loss of life on American soil. While I can see his side of it to a certain extent, I cannot agree with it. I don't necessarily think that 9/11 should be labeled a "national day of mourning" as he put it. However, I don't really feel people should get "over it" He compared the day to the Civil War stating that it was the largest loss of life in American history. Which of course, ... you have Americans basically fighting Americans.  Don't get me wrong the Civil war was a tragic time in our history as well, and those who fought and died in it should be honored...which is one of the reasons we have Memorial day.  However comparing the events of September 11, 2001 to the Civil War is a little redundant. As I stated the civil war was tragic but no one who is alive now was there to witness the events, or even have a family member who witnessed the tragedy. Even with as much empathy as you can possibly muster, you will never be able to know exactly how those events would have effected you. The fear, the panic, the loss, the dumbstruck shock, and the tragedy.

 September 11th is a bit different in the fact that many of us remember exactly what we were doing when we were stopped in our tracks. We know the fear we felt, we remember seeing the look of horror on the faces of our peers around us. Some of us can even remember the smell of the burning buildings and the stench of fire and death that surrounded New York, it is permanently bedizened in our minds. Some of us lost our family members in this tragedy, many more lost family members to the wars that swiftly followed the event. I was fortunate to not have lost anyone in the attacks of September 11th, but it certainty was not easy watching my husband leave for Afghanistan 10 years later strapped with a m-16 rifle or hearing River City screamed throughout his camp in Afghanistan and wondering if the next time they called river city would it be for him? 9/11 was a ripple that affected so many more people than the lives it took.

 The biggest problem I had with his views is that "we should just get over it." The people who lost their loved ones; sons, wives, daughters, mothers, fathers, siblings are still living. Do you ever really get over the loss of someone that you love? Every year you will go on knowing that you will set one less plate at the dinner table. You will know that your father will never see your graduation, or that a mother will never get to meet her grandchildren.  America was dealt a grievous wound and these great wounds take time to heal. There will come a day where September 11th will be just another day in your grandchildren's history book, no different from December 7, 1941 or September 3, 1939. The posters will fade away and become political memorabilia the "Never forget" campaign will become just headlines in a news paper. Until then, I am perfectly content to allow America and her people grieve for however long they need.

My submission is a willow tree.

     

  When we first meet, Dan would be quite prone to tell me that he didn't think I was "terribly submissive." From his perspective, he was quite right. I didn't really show anyone that side of me. I run an estate and have tenants and at that time, young adults who I was trying to help out. Young adults and tenants who would have walked all over me, if I seemed to be at any time "not in control." I was never terribly mean but I didn't take any bull, and I certainly wasn't in anyway relenting. I commanded order and personal responsibility in the house hold. I could see where he would be under the impression I wasn't submissive. However, when we started dating things changed. I don't think Dan would know submission if it hit him on the head and squirted.

      One of the things that attracts me to Dan is also one of the things that annoys the piss out of me. He is completely unrelenting in just about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something, ..he's going to do it. If he wants to go spend the entire day at the gun shop browsing guns, it doesn't matter how much whining and pouting I do, that is exactly what he is going to do. Compromising isn't really his thing. Don't get me wrong, Dan isn't some unrelenting asshole who treats me poorly. He is actually a wonderful man, He is just really use to his freedom and was quite keen in the beginning of the relationship to let me know that he wasn't going to give it up. So due to this more often than not, I am the one who bends.  Which is perfectly fine by me. I am submissive after all.

       The way I really see myself in my submission is  much like a tree. I have roots that are deeply embedded into the ground. These are things that I just simply will not bend on. This includes things like : My children and schooling come first..even to Dan. My limits, I will not be humiliated, used, or cheated on. Those things I am not willing to waver on, bend or negotiate. Then there is the main part of the tree which is all of my strength I carry that allows me to be submissive, it allows me to know when somethings are best to let go of and let him have, and when I need to be a root. Finally, the branches of the tree are my flexibility, it is where I am willing to waiver. I want chicken tonight, he wan'ts pork chops. So we will have pork chops.  You may not believe it but bending to little things like this makes our relationship easier, and more peaceful for the both of us. I am willing to let him have control of the remote when we watch t.v together. I am willing to accept whatever movie he wants to watch when we go out to the movie theater. I accept things that I am unhappy about, albeit someone begrudgingly. For example, his relationship with Scary spice...as much as I don't like it. I know that it is his right to have female friends, and I know that he isn't sleeping with her.

      I asked Dan a couple of days ago if he thought he would ever want to explore.(Meaning other women, since I am his first long time relationship.) He promptly shook his head and informed me that I was "too much for him to handle." and that he didn't want another woman. He honestly looked stressed from the thought. The thing about it is, ...I am not sure he realizes that there are many women out there who wouldn't be willing to bend as much as I do. There are women out there that would have probably scratched scary spice's eyes out by now. That being said, the more I have been bending and the more I submit to the things he wants, and what he wants me to do. I notice more and more that our relationship runs more smooth and we are both happier. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am making huge sacrifices here, or that I am being deprived. I feel like I have my own special brand of submission that allows for our relationship to be better, and we are both genuinely happy.

We are so very different.

     

Dan and I finally got to spend some time together. Yesterday was his first day off for a couple of days now. We didn't really spend it doing anything particularly special because in a couple days he will have some more time off, and we will hopefully have the funds to make one last trip to the river for the year, or perhaps go to the zoo or aquarium here in Tennessee. We did however go out Gamestop and Wendy's together. The trip to Game stop wasn't really my scene, I am that reluctant girlfriend with the up-do, in her Betty Boop pajamas and scull decorated tank top staring at her boyfriend in a disapproving fashion. Once I got over my initial annoyance of being there, I peered around the store with Dan looking at the different games he was telling me he wanted which mostly consisted of poke'mon and Zelda.

       I browsed over to the games that more interested me. "Dan do you think you would like this one?" pointing to an RPG game. I believe it was Diablo 3. He shook his head at me. " I don't really like games like world of war craft, or anything that is a computer game." I was taken a bit back because computer games are really the only thing that I play. I asked him if he liked the elder scrolls series. He shook his head. "not really." I asked him about Fable, and he proceeded to tell me it wasn't his style of game. Finally I asked if he would able play Guild of Wars 2 with me. " I don't like anything that reminds me of world of war craft." He then went on to play a demo of a Zelda game on the WiiU, leaving me there a little conflicted and trying to think of anything we actually had in common.

           It is pretty clear that we both hate each others taste in music. I am actually under the impression that Dan doesn't so much as like music as he likes having background noise, because the station in the car will frequently remain on the gospel channel. I don't know, ..maybe he really liked gospel? He has made many complaints about the types of music I listen to. He has either said he doesn't like Rap, or that my music is to slow and depressing. Even said he hated Nirvana, ...can you believe that shit? Now my music goes from Nirvana, , Soundgarden, to Taylor Swift, Beyonce, to The Notorious Big, and Mystikal. Hell, I even got like 2 country songs on my playlist, and I obviously hate country. However, we just can't seem to compromise when it comes to music. If I want to listen to music when we are in the car together, it usually consist of me using my phone and head phones and letting him have power over the radio in the car. Which works out perfectly for me because it's a very rare occasion that he lets me drive my car....when we are both in the car.

       We have very different taste in movies as well. Don't get me wrong I love Marvel as much as the next girl, but pretty much every movie we have gone out to together has been his pick. For the most part, I enjoyed most of them. We have been to see  World War Z, Pacific Rim, Guardians of the Galaxy (Which was awesome by the way.) and Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. However, zombies and a futuristic Power Rangers really aren't my scene. To be fair though, I don't think he was too keen on seeing Maleficent with me, ..which I sadly now have to wait until November before it comes out on DVD.  I am pretty sure Natural Bork Killers and Sweeny Todd also wouldn't be his cup of tea. Why do I have to be with a man who hates Disney? *Le sob*


         Our hobbies are even different. Dan absolutely obsesses over firearms. I think in his gun safe there is at least ten guns. He has "Kindness" A 40. cal Taurus  that I bought him for a Christmas present back in 2012. "Scratch" a 12gage Mossberg that I bought him for his birthday in 2013. A Smith and Wesson MMP, A 308, My 45. Taurus Millennium, ....and a bunch of other weapons I can't readily identify by caliber.  Every chance he gets he goes and stares at them in a local gun store around here. Don't get me wrong, I love my 2nd amendment right as much as the next redneck...but, I don't really absolutely obsess over them. I mean, come on he doesn't even hunt. Whereas I would rather spend my whole day on the river swimming around in the treacherous waters, he would probably want to stay in the air conditioning. He loves dogs, I absolutely cannot stand the creatures and am content to be left alone with my snakes who don't eat my expensive shoes.

     It just really amazes me how two people can be so different, and come to care for each other. I don't know what we spend our days talking about sometimes, but I know I am happy when we are snuggled up together. Even if Cartoon Network is playing on the television and there's a Law and Order SVU Marathon that I am missing.  :)

Stay Classy Folks

Hopeful

       This week Dan is on 12 hour shifts. He leaves every morning at 5 am and does not return home until 5pm. This means I do not get to spend a large amount of time with him because many of my classes start at 5pm and end at 9pm By which time both of us are absolutely exhausted. I think we got to spend about two hours together last night before I passed out in the bed, and he went out to dinner with his brother. Our schedule are extremely hectic and conflict with one another.  The fact that I both work and go to school isn't doing us any favors on time either.

 Yesterday was a rather emotional day for me. I don't like being away from him. It causes my anxiety attacks to go off the charts. I use to get visibly upset about it, and make every effort in my power for him to stay with me. However, he wasn't too keen or happy about that, and it had caused a few arguments so to speak. So while I am still working on being less upset about it, I try not to "make a scene" or whine about it. It doesn't change the fact its hard to me. There are times when as much as I want to I can't go cuddle up in his lap and have him console me. There are times when I have to deal with my panic attacks, and depression on my own without him, ..and it sucks because honestly he has become a huge security blanket for me. There is something about him being around that just makes life bearable for me.

 The good news is that since Dan has finally changed stations at his job, .. he will finally be getting some time off soon where we will be able to spend time together. There are several things I never got to do with my significant other in my previous marriage that I really want to be able to do in my relationship with Dan.  Right now there is a zoo in Chattanooga that I kind of want to visit. Seeing as we are in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. I don't exactly have many options as far as entertainment goes besides the cinema. I just think be able to get out and do something together would be really nice.

 Fall is also upon us, and is slowly becoming one of my favorite seasons of the year. Halloween is Our favorite holiday, so it will be fun to dress up and perhaps go to the Halloween block party that the city holds every year, and gives away a ton of free candy. Mostly chocolate since we are home to the M&M Mars factory. Which is awesome because several times a week you can walk out of your home and the entire city will smell of peanut butter and chocolate. I also can start making things like pumpkin pies and other nice fall treats. I really love the smell of apple cinnamon and pumpkin spice so I buy candles every year to turn the aroma of my house into a fall smelling emporium.

 Yesterday I made homemade butterbeer. If you are a fan of the Harry Potter series I really think you would enjoy the recipe. It was great but a little thick, it is definitely a treat, ..not a thirst quenching beverage! I got a medium sauce pan and melted a stick of butter. Once the butter was melted I then added a half  cup of butter scotch, 2TBS of brown sugar, and a can of heavy cream and brought it to a slow simmering boil. I then added 4 cups of cream soda, and a Tbs of vanilla extract. Continue to simmer and still well for 10 minutes. Add more or less cream soda for desired consistency. Serve hot. Well that's all I have for now. Stay classy folks! :) 

If I Were a Christian

 I am usually pretty hard on all people..but no so much as those who are outwardly religious. I don't mean those who go to church and pray, or those who have pictures of their messiah hanging above their dining room tables. Not even those who openly wear their hijabs or burkas. I am of course referring to those who know you are not of their faith but will invite you every Sunday to their church in hopes that they can talk you into getting saved and save your soul from eternal damnation. Those who seem to look at you with concern when you may practice your own religion , and they call it "barbaric and oppressive."

 Now, I live not  only smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt, I also live in a town that has over 300 churches. There are literally at least two churches on every street if not more.  I really have wondered many a times if there were even enough people in this city to fill all of those churches. The other thing is I haven't seen another place of worship here.. not a synagogue , not a mosque..and a very real possibility that if one might be started here it would be run out of town. Hell, the mosque down in Chattanooga, which is the major closest city to us was burned down. Let's just say this town isn't winning any awards for religious tolerance anytime soon.

I am not religious, ...nor am I an atheist. I identify as being agnostic and have interest in the notions of either proving or disproving an afterlife.  I am open to the idea of a God , but not to a benevolent, omnipotent, all loving, all knowing merciful and righteous God. I am open to the ideas that we can influence our own lives with will power, positive thinking, negative thing, and concentrated intention. I am open to the idea that everything happens for a reason.

 That being said after going through my Facebook and reading several statuses by Christians, being deleted by a couple because I put up my own religious believes, ..and having a few debates from not a religious point of view but from a scholar of many religions I have had quite sometime to sit down and think about what would it take for me to become a Christian, (I am using Christianity as the basis because that is predominantly what the people in my town are, this actually goes for any religion.) How I would expect to be treated, and some of the issues I would have with being a Christian.

 After thinking about this for a while, I came to the conclusion that maybe I am being  a little too hard on the Christians. One of the reasons is because many of the things I would except from Christians are hard. 1.) I expect Christians to be non-judgmental.  Which this is partly a fair request..but also partially unreasonable.  I know, confusing. The mind works faster and processes things before we actually get a time to process things. Your mind looks at things and actually decides what they are before you can come to a conclusion. For example you might see a scadly dressed woman and come to the conclusion that she may be easy or loose, ...because that is what magazines, movies, ..media is betraying loose women to wear and act. This isn't really you're fault, this is programming.  That being said if you really aren't open minded enough to sit down and reevaluate the situation and come to your own conclusions you really are guilty of being judgmental. "Maybe that's just how she likes to dress?"
"Why does it bother me so much what she wants to wear?" Think for yourselves.

Same goes for how other religions are approached. Even if I was a Christian, I would want to know about other religions. I would want to know who Muhammad was, I would want to know why Buddha decided that in order to reach enlightenment, he would have to leave behind his palace, wife, and child. I would want to know why Jews don't believe that Jesus was their savior. I would want to know why atheist didn't believe. I would not be okay with thinking that these people who didn't believe the same thing that I did, ...were going to hell. I could not possibly understand why anyone would wish eternal torture on someone and be able to call themselves good people.  Don't get me wrong many Christians aren't like that, but for everyone of them...there seems to be someone revealing in what they believe to be the spiritual death sentence of another human being. Don't believe me? Go to any youtube video that focuses on atheism.. or secular beliefs and read the youtube comments. "God is real, and so is hell! and that's were you're headed." or some variation of that will be under each one. I just don't understand how anyone could call someone a friend and believe they are going to burn for all eternity if they don't follow their same beliefs. It is diabolical.

If I were a Christian I also wouldn't want to judge other peoples morality on their religion. One of the more common questions I get asked since I am agnostic is "How can you be a good person without God or religion?" That is an absolutely terrifying question because it means to me...this person is basically saying the only thing keeping them from shooting up a school or becoming the next Jeffery Dahmer is their fear of punishment from a divine being. These people also say that if someone is without God, or fear of divine punishment then they can rape, murder, and steal all they want to. I think Penn Jillette put it best when he said "I do rape all I want, and the amount I want is zero."  There is an excellent little post currently making its rounds on Facebook that I feel many people need to see and understand and it relatively simple. "Your beliefs don't make you a good person, ..you're actions do."

Today I had liked a status on Facebook where a couple of Dan's friends had been going through a hard time over the past year do to illness in the family, they had money troubles, difficulty finding a job, difficulty filing for disability for the wife with the illness. Well, they had finally gotten disability along with back pay and her health was improving.The status had several praises for God within its context and them being grateful to the creator...nothing wrong with gratitude at your situation especially since it is such a rare thing. However, someone asked me why I would like the status when I did not believe in the power of God, or in their religion.  Why on earth would I have to believe in their God to be happy that another humans health is improving? Why do I need to be a Christian to donate to the well being of another person in need? Are you saying my money and good intentions are not welcome because I am not of the same faith? Would you deny a blood transplant you desperately needed because the person was Muslim? I genuinely am happy for the wife's return to health. I genuinely wanted to donate the small amount of money I did donate to the family..my belief system had nothing to do with, it was my concern for another human being.

Finally, if I were a Christian the last thing I would want to do it invalidate another person's beliefs.  I think its hurtful to tell someone their religion is wrong and they are going to burn in hell for their beliefs. I was following an atheist page on Facebook at one point in time, and I really just had to unfollow it despite the interesting concepts they presented on the afterlife. The reason is because they were going on tirades against Christians and Muslims. One of the commentators had even gone so fat and to wrap the Koran in bacon , take a picture and post it. Others had pictures of Bibles being set on fire. I think anyone who is willing to invalidate and put down the beliefs of others deserves to have the same thing done to them. I know, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, ..but I really feel that this is something that should be experiences so that you can no how it feels. It is fine to question beliefs. The number one reason being is because they are ideas ..and any idea is open to being questioned and analyzed. Friendly debates among peers should always be welcome. That is how we grow, learn, and express.  However it is not acceptable to be outright disrespectful and indecent to another persons beliefs. It is immature, immoral, and downright vile.

Collars. A quick Review!

Does my nose look big to you? 

    The collar I have from Ring Of Steel by Vadfarkas was originally given to me in 2012 from Rayne. It it what is known as a coffle collar with hinge ring and padlock option. It is a custom made original that Rayne asked Vadfarkas to design specifically for me. It cost approximately $250.00 There is a total of 7 gems in-bedded in it. 2 purple, 2 white, 2 green and one red in the back where the collar connects to a heart shaped pad lock. What I really like about this collar is the quality it was made. I have had it for about 3 years now and there is absolutely no blemished, no wear and tear. There isn't so much as a smudge on it and I can take a shower with it on without having to worry about it rusting. I also love the fact that it has the o-ring on it to be able to attack a leash. (Which I have of course done.) Even though I do not wear this collar, I have to say because of the quality and durability attached, it's my favorite collar. I will definitely be purchasing another one of Vad's products in the hopefully very near future.So it is a little bit more pricier..but in my opinion it is completely worth it if you want a collar that is going to last you for life!  For those who do not know what ring of steel is you can view their website here Ring of Steel

look at those boobs!! mmmm

      The collar that Dan got for me was given to me in 2013 for my 24th birthday and is the collar I currently wear. He purchased it from the website without the pendant. The one I have is called "original." They also have other options such as "gold plated" and "titanium." The collar without the pendant cost exactly $100.00 and at the time was shipping free if you made a purchase over $90.00. What I like about this collar set was the ability to add the pendant , though the pendant is an extra $55.00. However, the pendant can be inscribed. You can pick the font and what you want your pendant to say. Mine is inscribed in the font "Josephine" and the front says "Dan's" while the back says "sweetpea" The drawback to this collar is I would not recommend wearing it in the shower...the collar itself won't rust but the allan screw it comes with will. I am also having a bit of trouble with it as far as closing. I literally have to slam it shut every time I need to close it back around my neck. However, I could just be unlucky. All in all it's a pretty decent collar. You can check out their website at Eternity Collars.

I hate this photo.

Finally, the last collar I own comes from The Collar Factory who specialized in more of a leathery type of collar. Now for anyone who knows me they know I cannot stand leather collars. So don't let my hatred of leather sway your opinion! That being said this was the first collar given to me by Rayne before we had ever meet in person. So I guess it was kind of like.. a promise collar? It was $50.00. Now there are three things that I do like about this collar. 1.) It is absolutely affordable, if you think $50.00 is unreasonable you should really check out some of the custom collars made on etsy to gain some perspective of the going rates of quality collars. 2.) It is very easy to customize via their website. You can pick the type of buckle., What the collar says (Mine says Rayne) and the color of the threat lining. 3.) What I like most about it is it isn't leather on the inner side it is a nick pink plush that is very soft against my skin. The downside? Well it's leather for one..and I just have a weird hatred of leather. The ends do tend to somewhat tatter, and my dogs to destroy it in a heartbeat if I didn't keep it in a safe locked box. However I feel it is a good first collar, ...especially if you are on a budget. You can check their store out at The Collar Factory

Stay Awesome Folks! 

Women and Drama

       Okay now that I've had time to process everything and be as unemotionally involved as possible. Let me tell you some retarded shit that went down. Now I am not a big fan of women as friends. I know ...that's most women. It doesn't make me a unique snowflake. Blah Blah Blah but there are some serious reasons for me to be so against having female friends.

      Now one of these girls is actually my friend, ...the other one is Dan's. (Actually Scary Spice for those who read the last blog.) Anyway I was minding my own wonderful business and sitting in math class bored out of my mind and realizing I no long knew how to do long division and being out my mind when I posted a simple status on my Facebook which stated "If I somehow by the grace of God pass this math class with an A or a B someone better bake me a goddamn cake."  Well both girls out of the kindness of their little hearts said they would bake me a cake. Win win right? Well my friend, herein known as Miss Thang (Thanks Troll_Hunter) decided to get offended. She did not want Scary Spice (or anyone else for that matter.) baking a cake for me. She promptly popped into my messenger to tell me that Scary spice had no business offering to bake a cake for me because she knew I did not like her.

  So lets address that statement first. I really think considering Scary spice herself is under this impression that it needs to be addressed. I neither like, nor dislike Scary Spice. I am indifferent to her, and she isn't my cup of tea. I also find her to be one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met in my twenty five years on the earth so I attempt to distance myself from her. For example, she use to be pagan... but sometime last year "found Jesus" and promptly told anyone who was a pagan friend of hers that she could no longer hang out with them. In my book that is very Unchristian like, judgmental, and hypocritical. I also told her several years ago that I ran a few bondage websites (back when I did.) and her first response to it was "Ah, don't worry I won't tell anyone. " As if I was suppose to be ashamed of it for some reason. However, I do kind of agree with Dan that there is no actual malice behind the things she does and the things she says. I honestly just think she is extremely young minded and ignorant. I don't think the girl is a bad person. I think Eventually when she has to pay her own bills for a while, (her boyfriends parents pay them) and meets some other people she will eventually (and hopefully gain some out world experience) and no longer be pretentious.

Now then, Miss Thang went on a tangent about how Scary Spice didn't invite her to any of the events that she had, and how she wanted to be her friend and how she felt left out and that Scary Spice has times for other friends but not her.  (Keep in mind these are 20+ year old women) Now it is true Scary Spice will tell you that she has no time to hang out because she has children, ..and how she never leaves the house and how no one has come over in months. Yeah...that's bullshit. Absolute bullshit, but the thing I don't understand is why Ms. Thang cares so much?  Why do you want to be friends so bad with someone who is going to cast you aside for someone else every time she gets the chance? Fuck that.

I really really hope I meet some awesome and interesting people at the munch in September because I swear if I can't find a friend who has some emotionally stability that I can actually hang out with  without the extra dramas and insecurity then I am going to cocoon myself in my room and never speak to another living human being again.
  Please be awesome people K-Pet ;-;