My collar is not my wedding ring.

At AppleBee's with Dan

        About three weeks ago I did a photo shoot with the very talented Puddintane423, You can find him on the Fetlife. The overall theme of the photo shoot was collars.  We shot each one of my steel collars. Collars I had from Eternity and Ring of Steel, regardless of the relationship I was in when I had those collars. Meaning, Rayne's collar was shot too. It felt really strange wearing something that was part of a relationship I no longer have any type of emotional attachment to. It was also the first time I wore it since Rayne and I had split up in 2012. The collar, which was a ring of steel collar was very personalized to include the birth stones of my birthday, Rayne's birthday, and my daughters birthday. There was no way of mistaking it for what it was...a relic of a past relationship.

    I have seen tons of post on Fetlife and across the BDSM community speaking on "collar hopping" and comparing collars to that of a wedding ring.  While it's a nice idealization that being presented with a collar is equivalent to a marriage proposal, I must for several reasons agree to disagree. For me, Collars are largely symbolic. I do not need one to feel more submissive and I do not need one to really show that I am submissive. However, I think it can be a nice tool in D/s and that it is a marvelous piece of jewelry. Yes, I called it a piece of jewelry, because at the end of the day that is what it is. Were I a person of more affluent means, you better believe I would have every design from ring of steel , every design from Eternity, as well as a couple of custom made orders from reputable collar manufacturers.

I know this might sound strange coming from a divorced woman, but I actually don't believe in divorce. I believe that once you are married to someone, you have combined your life with that person. The only reason I am divorced is because well, ..he asked for one, ..and I don't have the option to not comply based on my own personal views. I am also grateful for my divorce because it lead me to an amazing man. However my next marriage, I assure you will be my last. So here is why I don't a collar as equivalent to a wedding ring.

 Dan and I are monogamous, we live in a house with other lifestyles. However, we do not engage in sexual activities with them.  We have been together since April of 2013. Not very long after we got together did we have a collar ordered (for my Birthday.) I believe in the symbolic representation of the collar. "You belong to me." Which can go to all sorts of variants of D/s, Some go so far as it being a reminder that they are consensual "property."  He did give me this collar, but this collar did not come with the promise of what a legal binding marriage would. There are no tax breaks, there is no legal recognition of us being a committed union. My last name will not change, These things do however come along with the promise behind a wedding ring. I am very grateful for the collar that I have now, and the relationship that the collar represents for me. However for me it does not in any shape take the form of a wedding ring or marriage. If a marriage between us happens..great. I really hope it does.  However, I also am sure I won't value what we have any less if it never does, but there will always be a distinct difference between the two for me.

I believe that a collar comes with it's own set of promises (when given to a submissive) that are completely different from the promises of a wedding ring. Both sides are making promises that coincide with their D/s beliefs or contracts. A relationship symbolized through a collar can end as well, as it did in my case with Rayne. There are some things that I did learn from Rayne that I grew from. Her work ethic is one of the things that drives me through school and work to this day. Her belief in me is what fueled me to get into school and start going after my dreams and know that I could achieve them if I worked hard enough. I think the reminder of that is why I decided to keep her collar.  If Dan and I ever break up (knock on wood.) I will probably keep his too to remind me of what I learned from him. To give your last to those who need it the most. To care about those who cannot care for themselves, That there should be no reason to give but the want to give. I feel that relationships in themselves are lessons. Even if it's a lesson of what your not looking for, as was the case with my ex-husband. I thought I was looking for financial stability as my family wanted, ...but I soon learned it was a very weak foundation to base a relationship on.

People should be able to use their collars for any meaning that they want. If you want to present your fiance` with a collar when you propose to her, you are more than welcome to do that. If I want to have several collars that I collect from all around the world or from different manufactures, then that is my right. If someone wants it just to symbolize that they are in a D/s relationship, more power to them. It's really one of the things I love so much about collars is how versatile they are. 

The Definition of "True"

Well my lovely Fetlife family, I am writing this because I came across a couple of writings that make me face palm and utter silently to myself "I cannot not even." and because Hornsandhalo loves my rants. I know..she told me so. ;)  so let the ranting commence.

So I saw someone trying to define "submissive" and the fact that submissives could never be slaves because they don't have the "desire to serve" and how as a "True Dominant" they would never be able to accept a submissive under their collar.  They went on to explain that being submissive was someone who attended munches, and got their ass spanked a few times to satisfy their own sexual needs. Ladies and Gentlemen..I have said it once, and I will say it again. A submissive is anyone with the willingness to submit. Anything that goes beyond that statement is personal to each and every individual submissive.

Also I really hate the idealization that people seem to have in the lifestyle that slaves are somehow more devoted than those who identify as submissives. The number one reason I don't identify as a slave is explained in this writing.. To sum it up really I just don't like the term. If you identify as slave that's great, but I really feel that like everything in the lifestyle it is a personal preference. That being said, someone who identifies as a slave, does not mean they are any more devoted to their top than I am. I have the same willingness to submit, I have the same ability to serve as anyone else in the lifestyle. An awesome lifestyle blogger explained it very well when he said. "All slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves." You can read about it on his blog.

Let me explain that, because I can hear the "Oh hell no I ain't no submissive!" ringing a world sound outcry. If you identify as a slave their is a good chance that you submit to a power exchange ..which would require you to submit. Therefore you're submissive.  Submissiveness is not always a title ..it is also a trait, an action, an adjective. It's such a versatile little word, is it not? Now my response to any one who feels the need to refer to themselves as a "true" dominant/slave/submissive....Well, for the dominants and submissives, there really is no such thing thing. Don't blame me, blame Webster. You either are, or you aren't. Save the switches, I haven't forgotten you guys. :)   As for the the definition of a "true" slave ...well, please refer to the previous blog post, it isn't as glamorous as you think.

Now to the final part of my rant. For anyone who ever is under the impression that they cannot be with a submissive, ..or a pet ..or any other label that someone identifies them self with, ..because they wouldn't be as devoted or as submissive as a slave, or a kajira...or again as anything that someone identifies with. Well my friend, ...that's incredibly ignorant of you.  It also tells me that you have an issue with your identity as a dominant , because you are not able to get that same kind of devotion. Why does the label make them any less valuable? Why does a label make their submission any less of a treasure? If you are quick overlook a person based on what a person identifies as then you my friend are missing out on hundreds of opportunities to connect with wonderful people. 

Bad Date

              So I have actually never had a date that really just sucked...until tonight. The funny thing is it didn't even suck in a bad way it was just a series of sucky events. I woke up late today. We work the third shift so sleeping is in the morning is kind of our thing, however today I didn't wake up until 4:00pm, When I finally did get up Dan keep asking me where I wanted to go. I explained to him that I had been asking to go to the zoo in Chattanooga for quite sometime now. Unfortunately for me, ..a big thunderstorm was coming through that part of town. So anything we did tonight would have to be an inside affair. I finally suggested the Chattanooga Aquarium, which Dan promptly agreed to. I got a bath and got all nice and dressed in my red Marvel shirt and overalls.  When we got into the car..it wouldn't start. For some reason I am having trouble with it turning over.  So it took about an hour to get the car actually started.

   By that time it was way too late to go to the aquarium because Chattanooga is about thirty minutes out of town and since it was thunder storming we had to avoid the highway and take back roads. So we figured we would go to dinner and a movie. We drove around trying to pick out something new because well....we did go all the way out to Chattanooga. We ended up settling on this restaurant called Seoul which is a Vietnamese and Korean restaurant. I am telling you now, ..it..was ..awful. The food was way over priced. I ended up paying like $13 for a cold bowl of salad because the menu didn't explain what anything was. The food didn't taste good, and the service was absolutely terrible. I should have known better by the face the place was completely dead when we went there. It was just an all around terrible experience. The atmosphere was great dim lighted with earth tones but it didn't make up for the terrible food.

 After we left the restaurant, with me still starving. We actually decided to head home. There was only movie that I wanted to see which was The giver, and Dan had absolutely no interest in seeing it. Nothing else was really playing. The thunderstorms had also rolled back through and lightening was flashing every couple of seconds so we decided to go in for an early night. So tonight was a total bust as far as it being a great date night. However, that being said I still had a good time rolling around with Dan even if our plans got messed up. If I am going to have a bad date...I am glad I had it with Dan. 

Nice

I'm a bad person.

I'm a sinner and I'll probably sin again.

I'm deceitful, I'm petty, I'm vengeful, I'm manipulative, I'm cruel, I'm cold.

These are the lies I tell myself. I want to be these things, I want to be be them so bad. But, I'm not. It might be pretentious to call oneself "good", but the reality is that while I am sometimes those things, I am oftentimes not. At the end of the day, I'm a nice person.

I fucking hate that.

Maybe it was my upbringing, but growing up, the view that was imparted upon me was one of "if you're not using people, you're wasting a valuable resource". It is a skill-set I have, as I often say, I am my mother's child after all. I can use people, I have used people, I hate using people, I love using people. The lines between sociopathy and schizophrenia can get blurred like that.

But the overwhelming majority of the time I refrain from using these skills. I pass most opportunities to exploit those weaknesses I see so easily. I often go out of my way to help people solely for the sake of helping them.

The cynic's canon of "nice guys finish last" is canonical because it's mostly true. There are exceptions to that rule, but it generally stands; I've been sacrificing my career for the sake of my morale.

Look, there's no value in being some sort of Cruella de Vil overt cackling villain, that will set you up for failure and a lonely death. Part of the game, and yes life is a game, prove me wrong if you wish, is advancing yourself atop of the work of others without them knowing. Them knowing leads to little annoying things such as spite and revenge, and is counter-productive.

I know the moves to accomplish this, and I've seen them done by someone my better at it, but I still often tend to not do it. I like seeing people being happy, making people happy makes me happy.

Happiness is overrated in the free-market economy, and it can be mostly replaced with money, despite whatever philosophy you may want to quote.

That's what gets me most, that I'm costing myself money in exchange of being happy. I'm an American, this is blasphemy against my religion of Capitalism. But I'll still likely do it, I'll still likely hate it, I'll still likely love it.

I'll still regrettably be nice.

What It's Like to Fall from Grace

       You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan.  I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.

    After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me.  He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..

    Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.

 We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym?  Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner?  I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine."  Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.

 I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago.  I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.

Prelude to My Next Blog

Hi. It's the one of the two of us who posts here who has a penis. Just writing a little blurb to, I don't know, warn that my next blog post that I'm writing, and that might be dual-posted on my own personal non-lifestyle blog, will have nothing directly related to SM, D/s, etc. Bluntly, I don't care, I just want to write it. If you don't hear anything from me after that, assume pea has killed me for tangential blog posts.

Personal Responsibility and Accountability.

     I don't know if it is the water in the town that I live in, or just that I was raised in a different way but the young adults (by young adults I mean ranging from the ages of 19-27) seem to have seriously forfeited the entire concept of accountability. Everyone I know is under the impression that everyone should be sympathetic to the fact that their life might not have gone completely the way that they wanted it to. That they have to do things that they don't necessarily want to do. I will give three examples of people I know that fall into this category.


  The first one is one of my tenants, who more than anyone else I give a wee bit of empathy to because I can completely understand the effects having a broken home and a life without structure and consistency. However, even in situations like this there comes a time when personal accountability comes over, and since he is now 23, that time is well upon him. He is quick to complain how hard it is to pay all of his bills, how tired he is from having to work, how even through he works overtime he cannot afford to purchase all the things that his little heart desires. Here is where my sympathy for him ends. I know...the ideal thing is that we all have loving parents who allow us to live with them forever, and who allow us to stay in the nest until we are ready to move out. Those mama birds who tell their babies to fly or die are just pure evil! The thing is he doesn't realize that even now, he is catching a break. He pays $300 a month utilities included for his room and board. I very often have to explain to him that when he leaves my house, not only will he have to pay rent, he will also have to pay for his power bill, and his water bill, as well as his gas and food, and any extra thing he might need or want. I am pretty sure that everyone wishes they didn't have to wake up every day and go to work, I am sure there are plenty who wish they didn't have to spend the majority of the money they earn on bills, but that's just the way society is. If you want something you have to pay for it. The issue I have with him is that he will throw pity parties as if he is the only one who has to deal with these things on a daily basis.

 The next person is actually an acquaintance of mine, how long we will remain friends really depends on how long my own person wick of patience is, but I can tell you now its growing thin. She is older than me by a year and grew up in a fairly supportive and loving home. Unfortunately however, her mother passed away last year. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's unfortunate. However, the honest truth about it? Your mourning period really is limited. If your mother dies, your child dies, a friend dies. You do get time away from work, you do get time away from school to deal with the death proceedings, funerals, preparations. However it usually does not extend more than a week. This girl that I have previously in other blog post referred to as "little miss thing" will tell you how hard she is trying to get a job, she will tell you and post all over Facebook, how she is a hard worker and no one will give her a chance. However, since I have had her over at my house on several occasions in order to clean, I can give you my own critque on whether ot not she is a hard worker. The payment for her cleaning my downstairs basement apartment (I generally don't have her clean upstairs in the main house for fear I might loose my temper with her.) is usually $115.00 the price of her phone bill. Keep in mind for that amount I can afford to hire a professional house keeper. When I am paying someone that kind of money, I expect that they won't spend the entire time on their phone, nor do I expect I will have to explain they need to clean the mirrors, scrub the bathtub, polish the wood. I expect them to not try to ruin my vacuum cleaner by attempting to vacuum up pieces of trash that are way too big for it. Never the less that is exactly what she does, and I really feel it is because of her work ethic and lack thereof that she is not able to maintain a job.

    Now little miss thing will manipulate her friends through guilt to help to pay her bills, and honestly the last time I helped her (which was yesterday) will probably be the last time. Does it suck she doesn't have a job? Yes. Does it suck that she can't afford to pay her bills? Yes. Is it my problem? No Should I feel obligated to help her because we are friends? No. Honestly, I am doing her no favors by continuing to pay her phone bill despite her lazy and sub par work, all I am doing is allowing her to remain dependent, and not have an understanding that it is her attitude and over all work ethic that it is keeping in her current situation (not a spell of bad luck.) Yet and still because we are friends she is under the illusion that it is my responsibility to help her. It's not, I am under no obligation to do so. That is not how friendship works. If I want to help her it should be strictly because I want to, not because she expects it of me.

  Another instance of not taking personal responsibility comes from of course ours truly once again...little miss thing. A couple of days ago there was a situation where little miss thing and a mutual friend of ours was in an intoxicated altercation. The way little miss thing explained it was that he just out of nowhere, began attacking her and slamming her unprovoked. ...Now here is the issue I have with this. It is extremely rare for an attack of assault to happen unprovoked. Note that unprovoked is not equivalent to unwarranted. There is almost always a reason it happened. Was it because you burned dinner?  Is it because you called him a homo? These things are unwarranted, not unprovoked. If you tell me you did absolutely nothing, it becomes very clear to me you are hiding something. Well it finally came out through several of her own friends that she has actually physically attacked the man and scratched up his face before he pushed her off of him (albeit a little too hard). He did not openly get up and pound her face in for the attack, in my view he had every right to defend himself.  She refuses to accept the responsibility that she provoked him the altercation and goes so far to say "If he had attacked one of my friends I wouldn't be friends with him anymore, and my word should be good enough for everyone to believe me." Two issues I have with that statement. 1.) Bitch, he didn't hit me. I can associate with whoever I want.  2.)Saying your word is good enough is like saying the police should not take the account of any one else into consideration and should jail the man for battery without trial. ...Welcome to America sweetheart. Dan and I both agree whole heartily that a man should not strike a woman, ...but if  a woman wants to step into the "role of a man" for lack of better terminology and hits and berates a man, he has every right to defend himself by restraining her, and pushing her off of him.  She has been going around saying he hit her, she did nothing wrong, and refuses to take responsibility for any of her wrong doings. Sorry hunny, equal rights don't dissolve themselves just because they become inconvenient for you to play the victim. I digress on this one.

 The next example is the poster child of refusing to take personal accountability in relationships.  I commonly refer to her as scary spice. Scary spice did a real no no in my book a couple of days ago. She posted that  she would never find a person in the world with the same moral standards and good heart as her. Basically, she said no one in the world was a good person, or had morals that could be on par with hers. I am sorry, I just cannot begin to understand that level of self absorption. However putting the idiotic vanity aside, ..lets go into the reason she posted this. Apparently she has an issue with the fact that her boyfriend likes to watch porn. She feels like its disrespectful to her because it makes her feel inadequate being compared to "airbrushed fakes" What the all hell? Okay first off, if you know that the girls in porn are fake, airbrushed, and purposely unrealistic? Then why are you getting offended? You understand that no one looks like that right?? Secondly, if a person does something continuously that you don't like, and despite you telling them it offends hurts you and they continue to do it. Why is that person still in your life? They obviously don't care how you feel. They obviously have no desire what so ever to change in any way shape or form. So is it his fault you're offended by tits? No. Is it his fault you continue to by staying with him condone the behavior you find despicable? No. Is your moral standard the basis on which everyone should be judged because you're a over bearing prude? No. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don't like the way you look. Change it. If you feel like you are inadequate it is your own responsibility to either seek out the therapy or the self love you need. Why are you even in a relationship if you can't grasp the concept of loving yourself?  You want to complain about your lover and his blatant disregard for your feelings but no one is forcing you into a relationship with this person. I get the whole concept of trying to fix something but if your relationship can't stand up to something as trivial as air brushing...then you need to re-evaluate somethings.
 

               Finally, I am going to share my own personal story of where I should have accepted responsibility and didn't. Yesterday. I don't necessarily get easily offended but I have a very unreasonable fear of abandonment. Yesterday, Dan got home 4 minutes before I had to leave for school which caused us to get into an argument. Of course being hurt and offended because I felt like he didn't want to be around me, he didn't want to spend time with me, I blew up about a situation that wasn't actually the problem. I fussed about how he always had my car, I fussed about how he always did this on days I had to go to school. Where as the actual truth was, I was just upset we didn't really get to do anything on the days that he was off. I wanted to go to the zoo, it didn't happen. I wanted to go to the aquarium it didn't happen. Hell, today I just wanted him to acknowledge that I existed and it feels like that didn't really happen either. Do I think he is purposely trying to make me feel unloved and unwanted? No, not at all. Instead of speaking to him about how I feel I decided to angry and lash out at him instead and now he thinks the issues that I have with him is something completely different than what I am actually upset about, and I will have to accept the consequence that he won't actually know what is bothering me until I tell him. I have to deal with the fact that he is (obviously) upset towards me. Shit sucks... but its a part of taking accountability for my mistakes.  Stay classy readers.


For the TL;DR crowd: people suck, relationships suck, pea sucks. Horray!