Overcoming Body Issues.

     I did a photo shoot with Puddintaine423 last week. One of the things we did after the shoot was view some of the images he captured, and some of the art we had created together. Do not think this piece to be a jab at any of his work. I completely endorse him, and he is a wonderful photographer and is wonderful to work with. That being said, after about twenty times of me picking at little things about the pictures that I didn't like he told me I was being too cynical of myself. Indeed, everything I had said had to do with something on my body.  My teeth weren't good enough, My eyebrows were too messy, my arms were flabby, I had back fat, my breast weren't high enough.  I can hear the simultaneous eye rolling now. "Sweetpea, I would kill for your looks." Well darlings, thanks for your kind words but until someone can see the beauty within themselves, other's opinions aren't really going to change their views.

    I like a lot of women experience this, When you watch television, or see advertisements, or anything that is mass media related, you will notice that the person is at least mildly attractive. High cheek bones, perfectly symmetrical face, perfect teeth. Make up products are pushed on us in just about every series of commercials in our daily lives. Even if you don't watch TV, you are bombarded with adverts on Billboards or cellphones of muscular men, thin women.  We are taught that boobs that aren't perky are "saggy" which has a negative connotation. Everything right down to the porn that we watch has a standard of beauty. Plastic surgery is a 10 Billion dollar industry.  I have had people tell me I should be a model. Well modeling is not something I really want to do.  I know that many photographers, especially professional are not going to be as kind as the ones I get to work with. I know that my image would be distorted to fit into the "main stream" of beauty.

 So how do we work on these body issues that seem to plague us? Do we blame the media and protest Vogue and Covergirl? One of the things that I hope to accomplish in 2015 is to start working out, and getting on a regular routine. It was just three years ago when I was able to fit into a size five, why can't I do that again? I want to be able to every morning at least take a job around my neighborhood, or spend an hour at my school's work out room.  I think self affirmation would also be very helpful. It sounds crazy, but one of the things I have learned in my life, is that you are more likely to have things go your way if you reassure yourself that this is the way it will be. Too many girls in the morning are in the mirror being mean to themselves. "My hips are too big, I have too many acne scars, I'm too big." Instead what we need is more of us focusing on our positive features. "Wow, I have really beautiful eyes.  I have a natural arch, I love my cheek bones."

  So I don't go this often but I do have a challenge for everyone on my friends list or who cares to read this note. I want you guys to look in the mirror and not focus on anything that you don't like, but to choose three physical things about yourself that you really like.  For me 1.) I love my eyes, they remind me of the patterns on my snakes. 2.) I am actually really fond of the beauty marks on my face, I am not sure if they are freckles or not, but I have several of them.  3.) I love my eyelid's for no other reason that because of the way they are I can do really cool things with eye shadows.

Not Ready To Forgive

    So what I wanted to talk about for some reason is abusive parents and what we owe them when we become adults. From many of the people I talk to on a daily basis hear a bunch of "Parent's did the best they knew how." "They gave you life so you need to get over whatever else they put you through." Maybe this is a biological obligation that I don't understand because I am adopted.  Maybe the bonds that would be between a biological family are wasted on my trying to understand them. Here's what I do know, I have a daughter now. She's five, and as I replay some of the things that my mother did to me, and allowed my brother to do, I could not ever in my wildest dreams imagine subjecting her to that. Despite the psychological view that the abused eventually become the abusers.  It is because of that very fact, that I am simply not able to forgive my family members right now.  In fact, it diminished me wanting to forgive them even further, because I know it is my love for her that would prevent me from ever wanting to cause her harm. Which begs the question...did my mother actually love me?

   Here's the thing, I get mistakes. I really do, but when parent's are not held accountable for their mistakes then how is it within their right to make sure we are held accountable for ours? Abuse isn't just a momentary thing, just because the abuse stops doesn't mean that everything is all better. I still have permanent physical scars and broken bones as a result of the abuse that I had to endure growing up. Many other abuse survivors also have to go through psychological and emotional issues which make it difficult to function normally in society.

   Now, let me make something very clear. I am not condoning survivors of abuse failing to take accountability for themselves. There comes a certain point in our lives that we have to take accountability for the choices that we make and the path we take in life. That being said, this is more about what we owe those people who have tormented us for so long, because they hold the title of "mother", "father", or "brother."  For me, absolutely nothing. In my case I have family members who either won't acknowledge it ever happened suddenly suffering from a case of selective amnesia, or they justify to themselves that this is "what you wanted, you wanted this to happen."  In my personal opinion if someone can't even acknowledge the things that they did to you, which is first and for most on the road to trying to make things right, it's a good indication that they have no intention of doing so.  This is incredibly common in cases of childhood abuse. Parents are usually more interested in self justifying the abuse, than they are with apologizing and reconciling with those that they have abused, if they acknowledge the abuse at all.

    My sister was murdered in November, not long before Thanksgiving. We are pretty sure that one of her girlfriends stuck a dirty needle in her arm. I was the first in our family told since I am the one on decent terms with my niece. My niece who for a time before leaving to go live with her mother was subjected to the same abuse. I called to let one of my brothers whom I was on Christmas card greeting terms with know what had occurred and to make sure he told my mother and other brothers who I have been estranged from. My brother (estranged) did call me and tell me he wasn't doing to well, how sad he was. I sat on the phone listening to him completely emotionless and not buying a word of what he said to me.  He said at the end of the phone call "You sound like you don't want to talk to me so I'll go." to which I offered no words of comfort because it was true. A couple of days later, I got in contact with him on Facebook and told him why I didn't want to any contact with him and if he would like to change that then he needed to acknowledge the abuse he had subjected me to.  As he has maintained since the day I turned 18, it never happened, he didn't know what I was talking about, I make up stories, and he just doesn't remember any of what I am saying. Despite me recalling in detail several instances of the abuse occurring.
 
     One of the things you hear a lot in group sessions and in therapy sessions is that you need to forgive your abusers. That in order for you to have a life you have to move on. This is something that I disagree with. After several years of trauma treatment in a lock down facility, and finally getting out from the heel of my family, I blossomed more then I ever imaged I could have. I have a wonderful relationship with a man who is amazingly kind in ways I did not think human beings were capable of being. I've gotten my GED, I'm going to graduate from college soon, I am able to balance a job and school and for the most part have become a very well rounded person. A feat that ten years ago seemed impossible and that my treatment team certainly felt was improbable.  I have been estranged from my mother for over a year now, and even in her failing health, ..as horrible as this may be to say so I am currently making no attempts to reconcile with her. Even some parent/child relationships are toxic. You may be thinking "but that's your mother!" Would you be persuading me to reconcile with a boyfriend or husband who was physically abusive? Especially one who was unwilling to acknowledge the abuse.

       As adults, we are responsible for ourselves, this includes the people we allow to be in our lives, the people we choose to help. I spend much of my time working with young adults, helping them achieve the same goals it took me so long to achieve. I feel it is these people who could most benefit from my help.  My mother and my brother have each other. Some times, the best thing to be able to recover from years of abuse, is to simply be able to close the door.

The Alpha Submissive.

   Alright, I may have confused some people a little with the last post. Pea how can you be both dominant and submissive? Well my beautiful sugarnuts, take a seat and I will give you guys the whole damn run down. I am what you would call an Alpha submissive. I pretty much do what the fuck I want, within reason. Think of the animal kingdom and a lion pride. Think of say predator and prey. My submission is more instinctual than anything. Some people to me are prey, and some people to me are predators. That is to say, some are submissive and some are dominant, and I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. Don't get me wrong I see some people as my equals but not very many. Take for example my wife lele, I love her , I care for her, we are both submissive, but to me...we aren't really equals, I think this may be because you exerts more of a submissive nature than I do.
Alpha lionesses in female prides however are still submissive to the male in the pride, ...while she's keeping those other bitches in check.

  I also don't give submission freely. I have a hard time with this more than anything else. When I have established whether or not I want someone as a Dominant, I might skip a toe out of line just ever so slightly to see where my boundaries are, if the dominant is going to remain consistent, ..the only time I don't really do this is when the dominant exudes enough dominance off of them selves that I don't really have any question about it, for example...that's the kind of relationship I had with Rayne, I didn't really need to test waters to see where we stood. However if I am not sure, I will even push for dominance to be exerted so that it is clear, I might do this by something simple, like wrestling, or stepping a toe or two out of line. For example,... I was sooo sleepy today, I had left at 6:30 this morning to go to Knoxville with no sleep the night prior, had to be in Knoxville for a couple of hours, and didn't make it back to the house until noon, ..I passed out, well Dan wanted to show me something in the backyard, and woke me up at 3...so I only got three hours of sleep. His method of waking me up today was to shake me. My response was to bite him. Apparently I bit him harder than I meant to because he smacked the shit out of my thigh. It actually kind of surprised me, so I am not really sure if he meant to do it on purpose or if it was a quick reaction caused by the pain...either way, apparently biting is off limits and it's kinda obvious where he stands on it.

  I am not really sure why I feel the need to make Dominants "work" or "earn" my submission. I guess I just really feel like I should know in advance if you are not going to be able to handle me, or not going to be able to live up to your dominantly duties. I guess I also kind of feel like in order for you to command me, you have to be able to strip me from power. This usually isn't just a one time thing either... you have to remember I deal with a lot of bullshit on a regular basis, which puts me in the position to have to be big bad mama bear, so by the time Dan gets home I am usually riled up and not in a submissive frame of mind. Sometimes I need a reminder of when its time to settle down. Dan and I actually did play this game in the form of a little wrestling match. ...He threw me around like a rag doll for about an hour. Dan does Muy Tai , Brazilian Jujitsu, and Karate...and I do ..".trynottolethimbreakyourfuckingarmitsu"

  "Pea but you've said several times you're a natural submissive, why would anyone need to struggle with you for you to submit." I am a natural submissive. Submission is actually my natural state, However I got other issues going on over here sometimes where I can't really be submissive dealing with tenants and crazy people. I also enjoy the thrill of someone claiming Dominance, and them exerting it. I am also loud mouthed, opinionated, and over all bitchy, yet still submissive. What makes me a natural submissive isn't the fact that I will kneel down to every dickhead on the planet, it's because I have the natural desire to submit. I want to be obedient, and subservient, I just dont want to be that way with everyone.

  Now here's the part that might be confusing some people. "Pea didn't you use to be super meek and ultra submissive beyond reason?" Yes I did, but that wasn't really my own doing, that came from years of growing up in a family where males ran the family, and demanded submission from the females, and walking on egg shells of my overly temperamental husband. That wasn't submission...that was tyranny. To me submission is really of your own accord, ...if I am taunting you to give you the go ahead to assert your dominance..that I have in truth already submitted. We're just dancing tango at this point. So yes for a really long time, I was fairly meek and quiet, and obedient, but guess what, that's actually the part of my submission that doesn't comes naturally. It was like second nature for a while, but it wasn't natural. Personally I prefer how I am now. I am authoritative, and able to speak in person now, what I have always been able to say in print, it just came with a bit of practice, and the realization no one can any long smack me upside my head anymore if I don't seem overly...preyish.

  Now you may be thinking "Well pea, if you are both authoritative, and submissive wouldn't that make you a switch?" Absolutely not, I do not seek out people to dominate, I am seeking out people who can dominate me, if you can't I generally tend to loose interest...as shallow as that sounds. It's actually really quite instinctual if you think about it, animals in the animal kingdom do it all the damn time. I also have no desire to exert my non existent dominance over anyone either. More than likely I won't see you as an equal if you are submissive either... that's a little harsh, but it's also honest. I mean I wont beat you and treat you poorly and we will probably will be really good friends and I will care for you, but I probably won't ever see you as an equal. There are some exceptions to this, ...I think it might be other Alpha females. For example I see lele (wife) as a submissive, but I see angelic(wife) as an equal. The only reason I can imagine for the difference is angelic may be an Alpha submissive as well. Either way that's my intellectual take on it, its not like I have a degree in psychology so don't quote me verbatim. Stay Classy Bitches.