Anxiety

Even the majority of my friends do not know that I suffer from severe anxiety.   Mostly social anxiety but ever so often even anxiety within my own house. I have not really been able to identify all of my triggers yet. Though I can tell most are closely related to imagined abandonment or social interaction. It has gotten the point that its becoming a very real problem for me and over the past couple of months I have been trying frantically to find some kind of way to control it.

    Some people just set my anxiety off by simply just existing. An example of this is a girl who's friends with my boyfriend, and she thinks I hate her. Which I have to strongly disagree with,..I mean it's not like shes on my hit list or anything. One of the reasons I am so distant from her isn't to be mean it's because she gives me the worst panic attacks I've ever experience and I have absolutely no idea why. I figured it was better to just avoid the situation. However at this point I figure it's just best to let her think I hate her. Shes not really an issue anymore.

   During this semester I am also taking public speaking which makes sure my anxiety is sky rocked on the days I am expected to be in that class which is every Tuesday and Thursday. I have often been told that fear is an irrational emotional, but fancy words don't really mean anything when you wish you could curl up in a ball and wish you were anywhere but where you are. Your palms are sweaty and your heart is pounding within your chest.

I have a new found understanding for Dan's dogs. When they completely wreck out apartment and trash it out. I have the same anxiety when Dan leaves too..I am just destructive in other ways. I might start a fight to get him to stay with me just a bit longer ( I haven't done this in a while) I have actually been working very hard to prevent things like this. So how do I deal with all my anxiety craziness.

1.)I have a worry box I keep on my phone where I can put all my worries into and write reassuring statements to go with them. This is part of cognitive therapy.

2.) Whenever Dan leaves for work or where ever he goes out somewhere without me I keep a playlist of songs that remind me of him, and play it when he is not around.

3.) I do have small things that I consider to be "security blankets" maybe a sweater that use to belong to my sister. A collar that Dan got for me, or a necklace that helps to keep me calm.

I have come a long way in dealing with anxiety and still have a long way to go but the longest journey begins with a single step.

50 Shades of Vanilla Opinions. (Spoilers)

     

         Alright, so I did it I took one for the team and read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I had been hearing about this book since 2011 and with the new movie for it coming out, its of course come up again in my news feed. The first time around I had heard all sorts of things about it, ..mainly in a negative light. "It's a twilight rip off, It's a story about abusive, It's offensive to the BDSM community." So I pretty much just left it alone. Smut is smut I say, and I since I have never been big on erotica, even those that contain BDSM, I just decided to forgo the unnecessary boredom, ....until now.

      My honest opinion is, ... It wasn't a great, wonderful, awesome book in my opinion. Harry potter, Hunger Games, and The Fault in Our Stars definitely passed it by leaps and bounds. That being said, ....it isn't as horrible as everyone in the BDSM community makes it out to be either. Let's start with the obvious..the abuse claims. Was Christian Grey abusive?...eh, debatable. He was a total douche, I will give you that but abusive?..I think that is taking a lot of responsibility off the main character, Anastasia. It's dismissive. Christian warned her what he was into, he warned her exactly what kind of relationship they would have. I mean he had that mess typed up and was expecting a notarized document with her signature. Home girl knew what was up and had the ability to end it if she wanted too at any time. I know what you're going to say...but sweetpea, he was a total stalker. Yes, yes he was..but there are these little things called restraining orders. She didn't even attempt to venture down that avenue at all. Sure it's inconvenient, but if she didn't want his advances, it would have at least come up in topic.  Finally, six slaps with a belt makes her decide that he is a crazy fucked up sadistic asshole? Reeallly? For starters she totally asked for it, wanting to venture into his world. Geeze, I wonder what kind of insults she would have shouted at him had it have been a cane.  No doubt, Christian Grey was a total stalkerish douche bag who was sure he could get what he wanted by throwing his money around.  but abusive is a bit of a stretch.

The second aspect in the book that many people brought up is that he shouldn't be seeking vanilla who are out of the lifestyle if he is a sadist. What?.....lol It's not like he actively sought her out. So what your basically telling me is , if I meet a guy and have a mutual attraction to him, and there's a bunch of things that we have in common but he's a vanilla, ...I totally should not introduce him to my world or the kinky things that I like right? See how it's different when you put the sub in the same position? Oh by the way Dan's vanilla. =P You are going to be attracted to who you are attracted to regardless. You are going to want to show them your world even if it is "Fifty shades of fucked up." One of the problems I have heard with the book is that there is one set of rules for Ana, and not the same set of rules for Christian. Dear, submissive friends...does your Dom have the same rules as you?! Is this not the very definition of a submissive/dominant relationship?

One of the problems I did have with the book is that the story made Ana seem like she was seventeen and a petulant child. I had some trouble getting passed that. Though it is this very fact that gave the book some comical value, mostly with the titles she would give her emails. The other problem I have is that the book ended on an attempt of a cliff hanger. Seriously it ends right as they "break up" even though we all know...they're going to get back together. Finally there is several cliches of writing in the book, like turning the nerdy awkward girl into a total wanton sex deprived virgin whore :D I digress.

 So does the book promote abuse? No, it promotes what the writer thinks is a problematic BDSM relationship (which is intentional.) Should it be a basis for the BDSM community? Absolutely not, as every one knows who is in the lifestyle BDSM promotes safe, sane, and consensual. Some of those acts were not consensual even though Ana didn't protest to them. A clear set of rules , guild lines, and consensual agreements need to be put in place before you ever put anyone over their knee, all in all though it was a decent read, definitely not warranting all the hate it has gotten, at the same time....I am also not so sure it is best seller material either. 

Trust Where It Matters

     Dan and I have been together for almost two years now. We have been living together for all of this, because Dan was actually my friend, and one of my tenants before hand. (I know how unprofessional of me.)  In those two years we have had a pretty good relationship. Of course there have been road bumps. We have gone through the suicide of our friend together, the murder of my sister together, and my divorce.  The fact that we are still together is amazing but a real testament to how much we care for each other.  Unlike many of our counter parts, Dan and I are not married. I have been married and it ended rather harshly and took a toll on me that ended in panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. So now I am a little more cautious of the marriage factor. Don't get me wrong, I want to get married to Dan. Just...not right now.

      Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me.  Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it.  Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.

     "You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married.  One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.

   I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living.  Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.

  I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him.  I  hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people.  No...he hasn't. but still.

  I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish. 

Religion and Relationships

     So Dan and I are very different people. We enjoy different types of music, he enjoys country, while I am under impression it mostly sounds like cat's wailing. We enjoy different types of video games. While I mostly seem him playing games like Pokemon, Zelda, and Skylanders. You can more than likely find me with an Elder Scrolls or Guild Wars 2 or Final Fantasy. He likes the cold, I prefer the hot. We are pretty much polar opposites and even in our religious beliefs we are no different.  Dan is a devout Catholic, I have not known him all of his life, but according to close personal friends he was even an alter boy in his youth. (Poor Dan) I happen to be Agnostic.  I never hid this fact from him, in fact I was rather upfront about it. So how do you have a successful relationship with someone who thinks you're going to burn in hell? Well, it's rather simple really.

   I asked Dan probably back in the Summer time if he thought I was going to go to hell because I did not believe in his religion, to which he responded No, he didn't believe that any one who was helping others, and living productive helpful lives were going to hell just because they didn't believe but he did acknowledge that many Christians do believe that. We have discussions about religion and beliefs about religion. Mostly its because I am genuinely curious about his beliefs and religion. I am never condensing about it, I don't consider Dan to be any less intelligent than me. (at least not because of his beliefs. haha J/k) I respect his religion and his right to practice it, even if I don't understand it.

    Another thing that we do together is participate in intelligent debate with one another.  I mean actual debating, where points and evidence is brought up, not mudslinging where you hear obscenities and foul language . An example of this was actually an debate that took place a couple of nights ago in our bed. Dan was talking about Islamic insurgent groups like the Taliban, ISIS, and Al`Queda. He mentioned that you do not see  many Muslims standing up against them, or denouncing them.  Now don't think I am a terrorist sympathizer I stand for people, and person regardless of race or creed. I tried to explain to him that these organizations have murdered the children of these people who are over there, they have kept them from proper education. There are plenty of people in Afghanistan who do not even know what 9/11 is.  He went on to talk about the mosque that was suppose to be build in 2010 a few blocks away from the site of the World Trade Center.  To which I explained to him that if they owned the land, were American citizens and were paying for the construction then they had just as much right to build their mosque, as someone who was building a synagogue or a church. Those freedoms and liberties belong to all of our citizens, this is the same reason that the KKK and Westboro is allowed to hold demonstrations.  Although I did admit the building of the mosque  was in bad taste.

 Other than that we have a mutual respect of each others beliefs. There is no proselytizing trying to take place. I don't do anything to persuade him towards my beliefs nor vice versa. There's also acceptance of our different beliefs. I know there are plenty of Christians who would not date someone who did not believe what they believed. Same with Agnostics and Atheist, but Dan and I have a wonderful relationship. I think it has a lot to do with all our differences that makes us work so well. We both have different views and ways of looking at things to bring to the table. 

Overcoming Body Issues.

     I did a photo shoot with Puddintaine423 last week. One of the things we did after the shoot was view some of the images he captured, and some of the art we had created together. Do not think this piece to be a jab at any of his work. I completely endorse him, and he is a wonderful photographer and is wonderful to work with. That being said, after about twenty times of me picking at little things about the pictures that I didn't like he told me I was being too cynical of myself. Indeed, everything I had said had to do with something on my body.  My teeth weren't good enough, My eyebrows were too messy, my arms were flabby, I had back fat, my breast weren't high enough.  I can hear the simultaneous eye rolling now. "Sweetpea, I would kill for your looks." Well darlings, thanks for your kind words but until someone can see the beauty within themselves, other's opinions aren't really going to change their views.

    I like a lot of women experience this, When you watch television, or see advertisements, or anything that is mass media related, you will notice that the person is at least mildly attractive. High cheek bones, perfectly symmetrical face, perfect teeth. Make up products are pushed on us in just about every series of commercials in our daily lives. Even if you don't watch TV, you are bombarded with adverts on Billboards or cellphones of muscular men, thin women.  We are taught that boobs that aren't perky are "saggy" which has a negative connotation. Everything right down to the porn that we watch has a standard of beauty. Plastic surgery is a 10 Billion dollar industry.  I have had people tell me I should be a model. Well modeling is not something I really want to do.  I know that many photographers, especially professional are not going to be as kind as the ones I get to work with. I know that my image would be distorted to fit into the "main stream" of beauty.

 So how do we work on these body issues that seem to plague us? Do we blame the media and protest Vogue and Covergirl? One of the things that I hope to accomplish in 2015 is to start working out, and getting on a regular routine. It was just three years ago when I was able to fit into a size five, why can't I do that again? I want to be able to every morning at least take a job around my neighborhood, or spend an hour at my school's work out room.  I think self affirmation would also be very helpful. It sounds crazy, but one of the things I have learned in my life, is that you are more likely to have things go your way if you reassure yourself that this is the way it will be. Too many girls in the morning are in the mirror being mean to themselves. "My hips are too big, I have too many acne scars, I'm too big." Instead what we need is more of us focusing on our positive features. "Wow, I have really beautiful eyes.  I have a natural arch, I love my cheek bones."

  So I don't go this often but I do have a challenge for everyone on my friends list or who cares to read this note. I want you guys to look in the mirror and not focus on anything that you don't like, but to choose three physical things about yourself that you really like.  For me 1.) I love my eyes, they remind me of the patterns on my snakes. 2.) I am actually really fond of the beauty marks on my face, I am not sure if they are freckles or not, but I have several of them.  3.) I love my eyelid's for no other reason that because of the way they are I can do really cool things with eye shadows.

Not Ready To Forgive

    So what I wanted to talk about for some reason is abusive parents and what we owe them when we become adults. From many of the people I talk to on a daily basis hear a bunch of "Parent's did the best they knew how." "They gave you life so you need to get over whatever else they put you through." Maybe this is a biological obligation that I don't understand because I am adopted.  Maybe the bonds that would be between a biological family are wasted on my trying to understand them. Here's what I do know, I have a daughter now. She's five, and as I replay some of the things that my mother did to me, and allowed my brother to do, I could not ever in my wildest dreams imagine subjecting her to that. Despite the psychological view that the abused eventually become the abusers.  It is because of that very fact, that I am simply not able to forgive my family members right now.  In fact, it diminished me wanting to forgive them even further, because I know it is my love for her that would prevent me from ever wanting to cause her harm. Which begs the question...did my mother actually love me?

   Here's the thing, I get mistakes. I really do, but when parent's are not held accountable for their mistakes then how is it within their right to make sure we are held accountable for ours? Abuse isn't just a momentary thing, just because the abuse stops doesn't mean that everything is all better. I still have permanent physical scars and broken bones as a result of the abuse that I had to endure growing up. Many other abuse survivors also have to go through psychological and emotional issues which make it difficult to function normally in society.

   Now, let me make something very clear. I am not condoning survivors of abuse failing to take accountability for themselves. There comes a certain point in our lives that we have to take accountability for the choices that we make and the path we take in life. That being said, this is more about what we owe those people who have tormented us for so long, because they hold the title of "mother", "father", or "brother."  For me, absolutely nothing. In my case I have family members who either won't acknowledge it ever happened suddenly suffering from a case of selective amnesia, or they justify to themselves that this is "what you wanted, you wanted this to happen."  In my personal opinion if someone can't even acknowledge the things that they did to you, which is first and for most on the road to trying to make things right, it's a good indication that they have no intention of doing so.  This is incredibly common in cases of childhood abuse. Parents are usually more interested in self justifying the abuse, than they are with apologizing and reconciling with those that they have abused, if they acknowledge the abuse at all.

    My sister was murdered in November, not long before Thanksgiving. We are pretty sure that one of her girlfriends stuck a dirty needle in her arm. I was the first in our family told since I am the one on decent terms with my niece. My niece who for a time before leaving to go live with her mother was subjected to the same abuse. I called to let one of my brothers whom I was on Christmas card greeting terms with know what had occurred and to make sure he told my mother and other brothers who I have been estranged from. My brother (estranged) did call me and tell me he wasn't doing to well, how sad he was. I sat on the phone listening to him completely emotionless and not buying a word of what he said to me.  He said at the end of the phone call "You sound like you don't want to talk to me so I'll go." to which I offered no words of comfort because it was true. A couple of days later, I got in contact with him on Facebook and told him why I didn't want to any contact with him and if he would like to change that then he needed to acknowledge the abuse he had subjected me to.  As he has maintained since the day I turned 18, it never happened, he didn't know what I was talking about, I make up stories, and he just doesn't remember any of what I am saying. Despite me recalling in detail several instances of the abuse occurring.
 
     One of the things you hear a lot in group sessions and in therapy sessions is that you need to forgive your abusers. That in order for you to have a life you have to move on. This is something that I disagree with. After several years of trauma treatment in a lock down facility, and finally getting out from the heel of my family, I blossomed more then I ever imaged I could have. I have a wonderful relationship with a man who is amazingly kind in ways I did not think human beings were capable of being. I've gotten my GED, I'm going to graduate from college soon, I am able to balance a job and school and for the most part have become a very well rounded person. A feat that ten years ago seemed impossible and that my treatment team certainly felt was improbable.  I have been estranged from my mother for over a year now, and even in her failing health, ..as horrible as this may be to say so I am currently making no attempts to reconcile with her. Even some parent/child relationships are toxic. You may be thinking "but that's your mother!" Would you be persuading me to reconcile with a boyfriend or husband who was physically abusive? Especially one who was unwilling to acknowledge the abuse.

       As adults, we are responsible for ourselves, this includes the people we allow to be in our lives, the people we choose to help. I spend much of my time working with young adults, helping them achieve the same goals it took me so long to achieve. I feel it is these people who could most benefit from my help.  My mother and my brother have each other. Some times, the best thing to be able to recover from years of abuse, is to simply be able to close the door.

Update time, Welcome back Sweetpea!

      So I know I have been gone for a couple of months, so it only seems fair to add some updates on what I have been up to so I can bring myself and everyone else who cares to take note up to speed. I left you in October since then we have had Halloween. Halloween was amazing, we spent it at a friends house in Athens. It's a beautiful place on top of a mountain with a salt water heated pool, and of course food!! We had drinks and even brought a long a special lady friend wink wink. Unfortunately, we did end up having to leave early due to said special lady friend becoming uncontrollably intoxicated and making out in the back seat of my car. Scandalous!! We also had Thanksgiving during my hiatus. I invited one of my brothers to the event, and several of my close friends. I spent a ton of time cooking. I will post pictures of the food, so I can make everyone's mouth water with savory flavor. We also had Christmas which was awesome. I got Dan both Sapphire and Ruby Pokemon games and some other tidbits like posters, he ended up getting me a tablet which I must love because I take it just about everywhere with me. I also finished a semester of school, and made Dean's list once again my second time contending. I am hoping that the new semester will see me making President's list. We also have had new years here where we spent time with troll_hunter (FL) and got drunk. I kissed Dan on the cheek when the ball drop, any one who knows me knows that I have a deadly fear of saliva.

 I have also been working on a novel, about a young girl who is taken to a treatment facility and has to find a way to cope with the harshness of reality that surrounds her. I am actually really into it and have been working quite a bit, I am already at eighty page and am hoping to have it finished around the end of the spring semester. School has already started back up, and I am glad to have something to fill my time with. Having idle hands is not something I really ever thing I could become accustom to.  I should be earning my certificate in Network systems in May, and actually graduating when I come the end of next semester in December. Which sounds crazy since I was here on fetlife only a few years ago, posting about how I was taking my GED, and getting ready to enroll in college. It seems a lifetime ago. One of the goals I want to try and focus on is writing in my journal everyday, completing the semester with President's list status, and finishing my book, and graduating. I am glad to be able to share this next year with you guys. I hope that it's a wonderful one! 

My collar is not my wedding ring.

At AppleBee's with Dan

        About three weeks ago I did a photo shoot with the very talented Puddintane423, You can find him on the Fetlife. The overall theme of the photo shoot was collars.  We shot each one of my steel collars. Collars I had from Eternity and Ring of Steel, regardless of the relationship I was in when I had those collars. Meaning, Rayne's collar was shot too. It felt really strange wearing something that was part of a relationship I no longer have any type of emotional attachment to. It was also the first time I wore it since Rayne and I had split up in 2012. The collar, which was a ring of steel collar was very personalized to include the birth stones of my birthday, Rayne's birthday, and my daughters birthday. There was no way of mistaking it for what it was...a relic of a past relationship.

    I have seen tons of post on Fetlife and across the BDSM community speaking on "collar hopping" and comparing collars to that of a wedding ring.  While it's a nice idealization that being presented with a collar is equivalent to a marriage proposal, I must for several reasons agree to disagree. For me, Collars are largely symbolic. I do not need one to feel more submissive and I do not need one to really show that I am submissive. However, I think it can be a nice tool in D/s and that it is a marvelous piece of jewelry. Yes, I called it a piece of jewelry, because at the end of the day that is what it is. Were I a person of more affluent means, you better believe I would have every design from ring of steel , every design from Eternity, as well as a couple of custom made orders from reputable collar manufacturers.

I know this might sound strange coming from a divorced woman, but I actually don't believe in divorce. I believe that once you are married to someone, you have combined your life with that person. The only reason I am divorced is because well, ..he asked for one, ..and I don't have the option to not comply based on my own personal views. I am also grateful for my divorce because it lead me to an amazing man. However my next marriage, I assure you will be my last. So here is why I don't a collar as equivalent to a wedding ring.

 Dan and I are monogamous, we live in a house with other lifestyles. However, we do not engage in sexual activities with them.  We have been together since April of 2013. Not very long after we got together did we have a collar ordered (for my Birthday.) I believe in the symbolic representation of the collar. "You belong to me." Which can go to all sorts of variants of D/s, Some go so far as it being a reminder that they are consensual "property."  He did give me this collar, but this collar did not come with the promise of what a legal binding marriage would. There are no tax breaks, there is no legal recognition of us being a committed union. My last name will not change, These things do however come along with the promise behind a wedding ring. I am very grateful for the collar that I have now, and the relationship that the collar represents for me. However for me it does not in any shape take the form of a wedding ring or marriage. If a marriage between us happens..great. I really hope it does.  However, I also am sure I won't value what we have any less if it never does, but there will always be a distinct difference between the two for me.

I believe that a collar comes with it's own set of promises (when given to a submissive) that are completely different from the promises of a wedding ring. Both sides are making promises that coincide with their D/s beliefs or contracts. A relationship symbolized through a collar can end as well, as it did in my case with Rayne. There are some things that I did learn from Rayne that I grew from. Her work ethic is one of the things that drives me through school and work to this day. Her belief in me is what fueled me to get into school and start going after my dreams and know that I could achieve them if I worked hard enough. I think the reminder of that is why I decided to keep her collar.  If Dan and I ever break up (knock on wood.) I will probably keep his too to remind me of what I learned from him. To give your last to those who need it the most. To care about those who cannot care for themselves, That there should be no reason to give but the want to give. I feel that relationships in themselves are lessons. Even if it's a lesson of what your not looking for, as was the case with my ex-husband. I thought I was looking for financial stability as my family wanted, ...but I soon learned it was a very weak foundation to base a relationship on.

People should be able to use their collars for any meaning that they want. If you want to present your fiance` with a collar when you propose to her, you are more than welcome to do that. If I want to have several collars that I collect from all around the world or from different manufactures, then that is my right. If someone wants it just to symbolize that they are in a D/s relationship, more power to them. It's really one of the things I love so much about collars is how versatile they are. 

The Definition of "True"

Well my lovely Fetlife family, I am writing this because I came across a couple of writings that make me face palm and utter silently to myself "I cannot not even." and because Hornsandhalo loves my rants. I know..she told me so. ;)  so let the ranting commence.

So I saw someone trying to define "submissive" and the fact that submissives could never be slaves because they don't have the "desire to serve" and how as a "True Dominant" they would never be able to accept a submissive under their collar.  They went on to explain that being submissive was someone who attended munches, and got their ass spanked a few times to satisfy their own sexual needs. Ladies and Gentlemen..I have said it once, and I will say it again. A submissive is anyone with the willingness to submit. Anything that goes beyond that statement is personal to each and every individual submissive.

Also I really hate the idealization that people seem to have in the lifestyle that slaves are somehow more devoted than those who identify as submissives. The number one reason I don't identify as a slave is explained in this writing.. To sum it up really I just don't like the term. If you identify as slave that's great, but I really feel that like everything in the lifestyle it is a personal preference. That being said, someone who identifies as a slave, does not mean they are any more devoted to their top than I am. I have the same willingness to submit, I have the same ability to serve as anyone else in the lifestyle. An awesome lifestyle blogger explained it very well when he said. "All slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves." You can read about it on his blog.

Let me explain that, because I can hear the "Oh hell no I ain't no submissive!" ringing a world sound outcry. If you identify as a slave their is a good chance that you submit to a power exchange ..which would require you to submit. Therefore you're submissive.  Submissiveness is not always a title ..it is also a trait, an action, an adjective. It's such a versatile little word, is it not? Now my response to any one who feels the need to refer to themselves as a "true" dominant/slave/submissive....Well, for the dominants and submissives, there really is no such thing thing. Don't blame me, blame Webster. You either are, or you aren't. Save the switches, I haven't forgotten you guys. :)   As for the the definition of a "true" slave ...well, please refer to the previous blog post, it isn't as glamorous as you think.

Now to the final part of my rant. For anyone who ever is under the impression that they cannot be with a submissive, ..or a pet ..or any other label that someone identifies them self with, ..because they wouldn't be as devoted or as submissive as a slave, or a kajira...or again as anything that someone identifies with. Well my friend, ...that's incredibly ignorant of you.  It also tells me that you have an issue with your identity as a dominant , because you are not able to get that same kind of devotion. Why does the label make them any less valuable? Why does a label make their submission any less of a treasure? If you are quick overlook a person based on what a person identifies as then you my friend are missing out on hundreds of opportunities to connect with wonderful people. 

Bad Date

              So I have actually never had a date that really just sucked...until tonight. The funny thing is it didn't even suck in a bad way it was just a series of sucky events. I woke up late today. We work the third shift so sleeping is in the morning is kind of our thing, however today I didn't wake up until 4:00pm, When I finally did get up Dan keep asking me where I wanted to go. I explained to him that I had been asking to go to the zoo in Chattanooga for quite sometime now. Unfortunately for me, ..a big thunderstorm was coming through that part of town. So anything we did tonight would have to be an inside affair. I finally suggested the Chattanooga Aquarium, which Dan promptly agreed to. I got a bath and got all nice and dressed in my red Marvel shirt and overalls.  When we got into the car..it wouldn't start. For some reason I am having trouble with it turning over.  So it took about an hour to get the car actually started.

   By that time it was way too late to go to the aquarium because Chattanooga is about thirty minutes out of town and since it was thunder storming we had to avoid the highway and take back roads. So we figured we would go to dinner and a movie. We drove around trying to pick out something new because well....we did go all the way out to Chattanooga. We ended up settling on this restaurant called Seoul which is a Vietnamese and Korean restaurant. I am telling you now, ..it..was ..awful. The food was way over priced. I ended up paying like $13 for a cold bowl of salad because the menu didn't explain what anything was. The food didn't taste good, and the service was absolutely terrible. I should have known better by the face the place was completely dead when we went there. It was just an all around terrible experience. The atmosphere was great dim lighted with earth tones but it didn't make up for the terrible food.

 After we left the restaurant, with me still starving. We actually decided to head home. There was only movie that I wanted to see which was The giver, and Dan had absolutely no interest in seeing it. Nothing else was really playing. The thunderstorms had also rolled back through and lightening was flashing every couple of seconds so we decided to go in for an early night. So tonight was a total bust as far as it being a great date night. However, that being said I still had a good time rolling around with Dan even if our plans got messed up. If I am going to have a bad date...I am glad I had it with Dan. 

Nice

I'm a bad person.

I'm a sinner and I'll probably sin again.

I'm deceitful, I'm petty, I'm vengeful, I'm manipulative, I'm cruel, I'm cold.

These are the lies I tell myself. I want to be these things, I want to be be them so bad. But, I'm not. It might be pretentious to call oneself "good", but the reality is that while I am sometimes those things, I am oftentimes not. At the end of the day, I'm a nice person.

I fucking hate that.

Maybe it was my upbringing, but growing up, the view that was imparted upon me was one of "if you're not using people, you're wasting a valuable resource". It is a skill-set I have, as I often say, I am my mother's child after all. I can use people, I have used people, I hate using people, I love using people. The lines between sociopathy and schizophrenia can get blurred like that.

But the overwhelming majority of the time I refrain from using these skills. I pass most opportunities to exploit those weaknesses I see so easily. I often go out of my way to help people solely for the sake of helping them.

The cynic's canon of "nice guys finish last" is canonical because it's mostly true. There are exceptions to that rule, but it generally stands; I've been sacrificing my career for the sake of my morale.

Look, there's no value in being some sort of Cruella de Vil overt cackling villain, that will set you up for failure and a lonely death. Part of the game, and yes life is a game, prove me wrong if you wish, is advancing yourself atop of the work of others without them knowing. Them knowing leads to little annoying things such as spite and revenge, and is counter-productive.

I know the moves to accomplish this, and I've seen them done by someone my better at it, but I still often tend to not do it. I like seeing people being happy, making people happy makes me happy.

Happiness is overrated in the free-market economy, and it can be mostly replaced with money, despite whatever philosophy you may want to quote.

That's what gets me most, that I'm costing myself money in exchange of being happy. I'm an American, this is blasphemy against my religion of Capitalism. But I'll still likely do it, I'll still likely hate it, I'll still likely love it.

I'll still regrettably be nice.

What It's Like to Fall from Grace

       You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan.  I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.

    After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me.  He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..

    Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.

 We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym?  Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner?  I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine."  Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.

 I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago.  I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.

Prelude to My Next Blog

Hi. It's the one of the two of us who posts here who has a penis. Just writing a little blurb to, I don't know, warn that my next blog post that I'm writing, and that might be dual-posted on my own personal non-lifestyle blog, will have nothing directly related to SM, D/s, etc. Bluntly, I don't care, I just want to write it. If you don't hear anything from me after that, assume pea has killed me for tangential blog posts.

Personal Responsibility and Accountability.

     I don't know if it is the water in the town that I live in, or just that I was raised in a different way but the young adults (by young adults I mean ranging from the ages of 19-27) seem to have seriously forfeited the entire concept of accountability. Everyone I know is under the impression that everyone should be sympathetic to the fact that their life might not have gone completely the way that they wanted it to. That they have to do things that they don't necessarily want to do. I will give three examples of people I know that fall into this category.


  The first one is one of my tenants, who more than anyone else I give a wee bit of empathy to because I can completely understand the effects having a broken home and a life without structure and consistency. However, even in situations like this there comes a time when personal accountability comes over, and since he is now 23, that time is well upon him. He is quick to complain how hard it is to pay all of his bills, how tired he is from having to work, how even through he works overtime he cannot afford to purchase all the things that his little heart desires. Here is where my sympathy for him ends. I know...the ideal thing is that we all have loving parents who allow us to live with them forever, and who allow us to stay in the nest until we are ready to move out. Those mama birds who tell their babies to fly or die are just pure evil! The thing is he doesn't realize that even now, he is catching a break. He pays $300 a month utilities included for his room and board. I very often have to explain to him that when he leaves my house, not only will he have to pay rent, he will also have to pay for his power bill, and his water bill, as well as his gas and food, and any extra thing he might need or want. I am pretty sure that everyone wishes they didn't have to wake up every day and go to work, I am sure there are plenty who wish they didn't have to spend the majority of the money they earn on bills, but that's just the way society is. If you want something you have to pay for it. The issue I have with him is that he will throw pity parties as if he is the only one who has to deal with these things on a daily basis.

 The next person is actually an acquaintance of mine, how long we will remain friends really depends on how long my own person wick of patience is, but I can tell you now its growing thin. She is older than me by a year and grew up in a fairly supportive and loving home. Unfortunately however, her mother passed away last year. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's unfortunate. However, the honest truth about it? Your mourning period really is limited. If your mother dies, your child dies, a friend dies. You do get time away from work, you do get time away from school to deal with the death proceedings, funerals, preparations. However it usually does not extend more than a week. This girl that I have previously in other blog post referred to as "little miss thing" will tell you how hard she is trying to get a job, she will tell you and post all over Facebook, how she is a hard worker and no one will give her a chance. However, since I have had her over at my house on several occasions in order to clean, I can give you my own critque on whether ot not she is a hard worker. The payment for her cleaning my downstairs basement apartment (I generally don't have her clean upstairs in the main house for fear I might loose my temper with her.) is usually $115.00 the price of her phone bill. Keep in mind for that amount I can afford to hire a professional house keeper. When I am paying someone that kind of money, I expect that they won't spend the entire time on their phone, nor do I expect I will have to explain they need to clean the mirrors, scrub the bathtub, polish the wood. I expect them to not try to ruin my vacuum cleaner by attempting to vacuum up pieces of trash that are way too big for it. Never the less that is exactly what she does, and I really feel it is because of her work ethic and lack thereof that she is not able to maintain a job.

    Now little miss thing will manipulate her friends through guilt to help to pay her bills, and honestly the last time I helped her (which was yesterday) will probably be the last time. Does it suck she doesn't have a job? Yes. Does it suck that she can't afford to pay her bills? Yes. Is it my problem? No Should I feel obligated to help her because we are friends? No. Honestly, I am doing her no favors by continuing to pay her phone bill despite her lazy and sub par work, all I am doing is allowing her to remain dependent, and not have an understanding that it is her attitude and over all work ethic that it is keeping in her current situation (not a spell of bad luck.) Yet and still because we are friends she is under the illusion that it is my responsibility to help her. It's not, I am under no obligation to do so. That is not how friendship works. If I want to help her it should be strictly because I want to, not because she expects it of me.

  Another instance of not taking personal responsibility comes from of course ours truly once again...little miss thing. A couple of days ago there was a situation where little miss thing and a mutual friend of ours was in an intoxicated altercation. The way little miss thing explained it was that he just out of nowhere, began attacking her and slamming her unprovoked. ...Now here is the issue I have with this. It is extremely rare for an attack of assault to happen unprovoked. Note that unprovoked is not equivalent to unwarranted. There is almost always a reason it happened. Was it because you burned dinner?  Is it because you called him a homo? These things are unwarranted, not unprovoked. If you tell me you did absolutely nothing, it becomes very clear to me you are hiding something. Well it finally came out through several of her own friends that she has actually physically attacked the man and scratched up his face before he pushed her off of him (albeit a little too hard). He did not openly get up and pound her face in for the attack, in my view he had every right to defend himself.  She refuses to accept the responsibility that she provoked him the altercation and goes so far to say "If he had attacked one of my friends I wouldn't be friends with him anymore, and my word should be good enough for everyone to believe me." Two issues I have with that statement. 1.) Bitch, he didn't hit me. I can associate with whoever I want.  2.)Saying your word is good enough is like saying the police should not take the account of any one else into consideration and should jail the man for battery without trial. ...Welcome to America sweetheart. Dan and I both agree whole heartily that a man should not strike a woman, ...but if  a woman wants to step into the "role of a man" for lack of better terminology and hits and berates a man, he has every right to defend himself by restraining her, and pushing her off of him.  She has been going around saying he hit her, she did nothing wrong, and refuses to take responsibility for any of her wrong doings. Sorry hunny, equal rights don't dissolve themselves just because they become inconvenient for you to play the victim. I digress on this one.

 The next example is the poster child of refusing to take personal accountability in relationships.  I commonly refer to her as scary spice. Scary spice did a real no no in my book a couple of days ago. She posted that  she would never find a person in the world with the same moral standards and good heart as her. Basically, she said no one in the world was a good person, or had morals that could be on par with hers. I am sorry, I just cannot begin to understand that level of self absorption. However putting the idiotic vanity aside, ..lets go into the reason she posted this. Apparently she has an issue with the fact that her boyfriend likes to watch porn. She feels like its disrespectful to her because it makes her feel inadequate being compared to "airbrushed fakes" What the all hell? Okay first off, if you know that the girls in porn are fake, airbrushed, and purposely unrealistic? Then why are you getting offended? You understand that no one looks like that right?? Secondly, if a person does something continuously that you don't like, and despite you telling them it offends hurts you and they continue to do it. Why is that person still in your life? They obviously don't care how you feel. They obviously have no desire what so ever to change in any way shape or form. So is it his fault you're offended by tits? No. Is it his fault you continue to by staying with him condone the behavior you find despicable? No. Is your moral standard the basis on which everyone should be judged because you're a over bearing prude? No. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don't like the way you look. Change it. If you feel like you are inadequate it is your own responsibility to either seek out the therapy or the self love you need. Why are you even in a relationship if you can't grasp the concept of loving yourself?  You want to complain about your lover and his blatant disregard for your feelings but no one is forcing you into a relationship with this person. I get the whole concept of trying to fix something but if your relationship can't stand up to something as trivial as air brushing...then you need to re-evaluate somethings.
 

               Finally, I am going to share my own personal story of where I should have accepted responsibility and didn't. Yesterday. I don't necessarily get easily offended but I have a very unreasonable fear of abandonment. Yesterday, Dan got home 4 minutes before I had to leave for school which caused us to get into an argument. Of course being hurt and offended because I felt like he didn't want to be around me, he didn't want to spend time with me, I blew up about a situation that wasn't actually the problem. I fussed about how he always had my car, I fussed about how he always did this on days I had to go to school. Where as the actual truth was, I was just upset we didn't really get to do anything on the days that he was off. I wanted to go to the zoo, it didn't happen. I wanted to go to the aquarium it didn't happen. Hell, today I just wanted him to acknowledge that I existed and it feels like that didn't really happen either. Do I think he is purposely trying to make me feel unloved and unwanted? No, not at all. Instead of speaking to him about how I feel I decided to angry and lash out at him instead and now he thinks the issues that I have with him is something completely different than what I am actually upset about, and I will have to accept the consequence that he won't actually know what is bothering me until I tell him. I have to deal with the fact that he is (obviously) upset towards me. Shit sucks... but its a part of taking accountability for my mistakes.  Stay classy readers.


For the TL;DR crowd: people suck, relationships suck, pea sucks. Horray!

Worth

Very short post, as I just want to word-ify some thoughts I have.

Sometimes the easy way out is the best solution. Sometimes giving into your carnal instincts is the right choice. Sometimes action is better than caution.

Sometimes is not always.

As a submissive man, there is a lot of...scum in my peers, which breeds scum in the dominant side of this community. I have no real experience with male doms of male subs, so I can't really speak to that, so I'll speak only to the female side of the equation.

I want to get this out of the way right now, I have no qualms against "pro dommes", those who make the sexual side of S/m a profession. That is fine, that is free-market capitalism; providing a desired service for payment in a generally regulated environment.

No, the ire I have is mostly directed at "pay-dommes", modestly-to-very attractive women who say you have a small penis then demand large sums of money to continue to call your penis small. Those who think verbal abuse is domination and the fools that think that humiliation is submission.

(on the pro domme thing again, there are plenty of people who pay for that kind of stupid humiliation stuff; if it gets them off, it gets them off, but they're at least doing it in a regulated, business-like manner, and paying a reasonable amount of money rather than "lol gimmie ur paycheck, loser")

Now is the time where I admit I have impulses, most days if not every day. This is the said easy way out. To just find some college student with the foresight to use the vulnerability of others to their advantage and live with the abuse. Or worse yet, fall in with some foolish Cybellean, or other gender/race supremacist and live a lie of having an inferiority complex.

I fight those impulses, for I know my life is worth more than that. That I am more than that. I must fight those impulses, because this life isn't worth wasting. I will fight these impulses, because the alternative is surrender.

I am not worthless, despite what I might say. My life is not worthless, despite what I might think. No life is worthless, despite what I might believe. For this reason, I must fight, as there is few things worth fighting for more than myself.

Consensual Slavery Vs. Actual Slavery

Naevia from Spartacus

I wrote about this topic once already back in 2011, Many people did not find it favorable and you know what? Many people are not going to like it now.  However, it is a topic that desperately needs to be addressed. I can hear it now. "Pea how can you comment on being a slave when you identify as a sub."  Well little chick-a-pea, I have been in the lifestyle since I was 18, I am now 25. I have plenty enough time to venture down that road of consensual bondage.

I have heard it said several times in the community that slaves differ in a D/s relationship from a submissive because slaves do not have rights, and or limits. I know that the following statement has been beaten to death with a mallet and hanged on the archway of every D/s bloggers door way but I will say it again and even use my italics to add emphasis for you. " Everyone  has limits." No you're not the exception, no you're not more devoted because you are willing to stick more in your ass. Even you, yes you my dead have limits. You really have to understand the horrors of actual non consensual slavery to understand this. In actual slavery, your children can be sold away, your daughters can be used for sexual pleasure, your sons can be put to death if you live in a country (or time period) that supported enslavement. If these things don't fall into your list of limits or things you wouldn't consent to, they honey... you need to sit down , put on a pot of coffee, take some time to reevaluate your like, and seek therapy.  

   The fact of the matter is, in consensual slavery you very well do have rights. You can deny them, you can refuse to use them, but I guarantee there is that one thing that will eventually come up that will finally make you use a safe word and scream "bandannas!" There are things you are not willing to do, and that is perfectly acceptable. "Look pea, I know I am a slave! and I know that slaves have no rights! I even let my Master stick a dildo in my ass, and press a bullet to my clit. Now that's dedication!" Here's the thing sweet tart. Yes, in consensual slavery you may often submit to things you don't necessarily want to do.  Submissives in relationships also do things they don't necessarily want to do. As a child, I did things I didn't want to do when I obeyed my parents. As a student I do things I don't want to do for my teachers. As a worker , I do things for my boss I don't want to do. I digress. I can however, at any time decide to change employment, I can at any time decide to longer attend that school. Same as a person in consensual slavery can at anytime and has every right to terminate their relationship with the person who they call Master. 

Now I can understand wanting your dynamic to get as close to the real thing as possible, that's a common want of many people in the lifestyle. I completely understand it especially with shows like Spartacus and Sally Hemmings: An American Scandal romanticizing slavery. Here's the truth, yes it happened slaves sometimes fell in love with their owners. Whether or not it was actually love, or some generally all around fucked up case of Stockholm syndrome is up to a psychologist. Still, mental illnesses aside falling in love with your owner was generally pretty rare. It wasn't a case of submission... it was a case of survival. Many slaves actually poisoned, rebelled, and killed their owners.  Actual slavery was nothing like consensual slavery. 

 I can not tell you how many times I have had a slave tell me. "I'm not a submissive pea, I am a slave." I am usually content to just sit there and nod and smile while I internally facepalm myself , but this time I will explain why. All slaves are submissive but all submissive aren't slaves. The act of you obeying your Master/dominant/Daddy/Mistress, whatever is relevant to you is called submission. The very art of being the bottom of any relationship is submission. In a D/s relationship, you agree to give up complete control over your relationship, or even equal control over your relationship. The portion of what you get to control differs in every dynamic, but at the end of the day the act of you submitting to a power exchange is submission. 

"So pea are you telling me you have a problem with people identifying as slaves?"  Not at all, I can understand the concept behind it, hell I can even see the beauty in it. I do however have a problem when I have to listen to slaves come and explain to me how they are "true" slaves because they don't have limits or rights in their dynamic. I have an issue with people thinking that the refusal to invoke a right, is the same thing as being forfeit of them.  If you identify as being a slave that is perfect acceptable and awesome, and no one can tell you how to live your dynamic. Just know the difference between consensual slavery and Actual slavery. Consensual slavery can be a beautiful act of devotion and submission. Actual slavery is diabolical, inhumane, and an unforgivable act of human disregard. 

Stay classy, readers. 

The Alpha Submissive.

   Alright, I may have confused some people a little with the last post. Pea how can you be both dominant and submissive? Well my beautiful sugarnuts, take a seat and I will give you guys the whole damn run down. I am what you would call an Alpha submissive. I pretty much do what the fuck I want, within reason. Think of the animal kingdom and a lion pride. Think of say predator and prey. My submission is more instinctual than anything. Some people to me are prey, and some people to me are predators. That is to say, some are submissive and some are dominant, and I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. Don't get me wrong I see some people as my equals but not very many. Take for example my wife lele, I love her , I care for her, we are both submissive, but to me...we aren't really equals, I think this may be because you exerts more of a submissive nature than I do.
Alpha lionesses in female prides however are still submissive to the male in the pride, ...while she's keeping those other bitches in check.

  I also don't give submission freely. I have a hard time with this more than anything else. When I have established whether or not I want someone as a Dominant, I might skip a toe out of line just ever so slightly to see where my boundaries are, if the dominant is going to remain consistent, ..the only time I don't really do this is when the dominant exudes enough dominance off of them selves that I don't really have any question about it, for example...that's the kind of relationship I had with Rayne, I didn't really need to test waters to see where we stood. However if I am not sure, I will even push for dominance to be exerted so that it is clear, I might do this by something simple, like wrestling, or stepping a toe or two out of line. For example,... I was sooo sleepy today, I had left at 6:30 this morning to go to Knoxville with no sleep the night prior, had to be in Knoxville for a couple of hours, and didn't make it back to the house until noon, ..I passed out, well Dan wanted to show me something in the backyard, and woke me up at 3...so I only got three hours of sleep. His method of waking me up today was to shake me. My response was to bite him. Apparently I bit him harder than I meant to because he smacked the shit out of my thigh. It actually kind of surprised me, so I am not really sure if he meant to do it on purpose or if it was a quick reaction caused by the pain...either way, apparently biting is off limits and it's kinda obvious where he stands on it.

  I am not really sure why I feel the need to make Dominants "work" or "earn" my submission. I guess I just really feel like I should know in advance if you are not going to be able to handle me, or not going to be able to live up to your dominantly duties. I guess I also kind of feel like in order for you to command me, you have to be able to strip me from power. This usually isn't just a one time thing either... you have to remember I deal with a lot of bullshit on a regular basis, which puts me in the position to have to be big bad mama bear, so by the time Dan gets home I am usually riled up and not in a submissive frame of mind. Sometimes I need a reminder of when its time to settle down. Dan and I actually did play this game in the form of a little wrestling match. ...He threw me around like a rag doll for about an hour. Dan does Muy Tai , Brazilian Jujitsu, and Karate...and I do ..".trynottolethimbreakyourfuckingarmitsu"

  "Pea but you've said several times you're a natural submissive, why would anyone need to struggle with you for you to submit." I am a natural submissive. Submission is actually my natural state, However I got other issues going on over here sometimes where I can't really be submissive dealing with tenants and crazy people. I also enjoy the thrill of someone claiming Dominance, and them exerting it. I am also loud mouthed, opinionated, and over all bitchy, yet still submissive. What makes me a natural submissive isn't the fact that I will kneel down to every dickhead on the planet, it's because I have the natural desire to submit. I want to be obedient, and subservient, I just dont want to be that way with everyone.

  Now here's the part that might be confusing some people. "Pea didn't you use to be super meek and ultra submissive beyond reason?" Yes I did, but that wasn't really my own doing, that came from years of growing up in a family where males ran the family, and demanded submission from the females, and walking on egg shells of my overly temperamental husband. That wasn't submission...that was tyranny. To me submission is really of your own accord, ...if I am taunting you to give you the go ahead to assert your dominance..that I have in truth already submitted. We're just dancing tango at this point. So yes for a really long time, I was fairly meek and quiet, and obedient, but guess what, that's actually the part of my submission that doesn't comes naturally. It was like second nature for a while, but it wasn't natural. Personally I prefer how I am now. I am authoritative, and able to speak in person now, what I have always been able to say in print, it just came with a bit of practice, and the realization no one can any long smack me upside my head anymore if I don't seem overly...preyish.

  Now you may be thinking "Well pea, if you are both authoritative, and submissive wouldn't that make you a switch?" Absolutely not, I do not seek out people to dominate, I am seeking out people who can dominate me, if you can't I generally tend to loose interest...as shallow as that sounds. It's actually really quite instinctual if you think about it, animals in the animal kingdom do it all the damn time. I also have no desire to exert my non existent dominance over anyone either. More than likely I won't see you as an equal if you are submissive either... that's a little harsh, but it's also honest. I mean I wont beat you and treat you poorly and we will probably will be really good friends and I will care for you, but I probably won't ever see you as an equal. There are some exceptions to this, ...I think it might be other Alpha females. For example I see lele (wife) as a submissive, but I see angelic(wife) as an equal. The only reason I can imagine for the difference is angelic may be an Alpha submissive as well. Either way that's my intellectual take on it, its not like I have a degree in psychology so don't quote me verbatim. Stay Classy Bitches.

Implements don't make you Dominant.

Alright guys I am going to talk to this from my point of view , which some people might not agree with since everyone really has their own definitions within the lifestyle. There is really no set standard for them. So if you disagree with this post, that’s cool. Feel free to write your own blog thingy on the subject. Moving right along. Now when I first think of M/s , the thing that typically comes to mind for me is Sadism and Masochism. Which in turn makes me thing of Bdsm clubs, and sceneing, and you know that whole leather branch of Bdsm genre. Since I don’t really like pain, and I’m not really a major fan of sadism either. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching another girl get her ass beat just as much as the next person, but it’s not really a huge part of my participation in the lifestyle.

  I consider myself to fall into the Domination/ and submission category. I enjoy having rules, guidelines, and expectations. I like having consequences if I don’t follow those guidelines, even if I don’t particularity like the consequences. I don’t get all hot and bothered by “Kneel slut and suck my cock” In all honesty, I am probably going to laugh of you. For me, it’s the power exchange that I enjoy. I enjoy having a head of my house hold that I am subservient too. That doesn’t mean we need to forgo all common courtesy. I digress, that subject for another time. There’s so many sub-categories to domination and submission , that I could write a fucking dissertation on it. I think it’s really all the same thing but a twist on each category. Master and slave for example.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Goreans.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Pet girls.. dominating and submitting. Daddies/Mommies and littles? Dominating and Submitting. You get my point. I think that might be why when I see M/s I don’t automatically assume Master/slave.

  I won’t get into the debate between Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive. You already know I feel they are the exact same thing that uses different titles. Feel free to disagree with me, that’s you’re prerogative. I can hear all the slaves going “I ain’t no damn submissive pea, I’se a slave! You take it back! you take it back right now damn it!” Calm down and breath. Yes, you are a slave that is the title you have given yourself. However, what you are doing is submitting ..which in turn makes you submissive. BOOM! Mind fucking blown! To what ever degree or how ever much protocol you want to add to that, it still doesn’t change the fact that you are submissive.
  
  You know, a lot of what I find attractive about the lifestyle, people wouldn’t call BDSM at all. “What bitch? You do dishes and laundry? and you think that makes you submissive? Shove an anal plug up your ass then talk to me about being submissive pea!” I kid I kid , but the truth is the fact that I feel doing those simply daily things like cleaning, and cooking, and making crocheted blankets, is what is so awesome about the lifestyle, if it makes you feel submissive, if it’s what you want for your lifestyle, then by all means don’t let me or anyone else dictate what you do in your dynamic. The best thing you can do is to be true to yourself. No matter what category or unlabeled dynamic you may have chosen. Stay classy America.

Being a Brat Vs. Playfulness

A while back , not to long ago, I wrote a piece on bratting, and even my own self admitted brattiness. However, after speaking to a few Dom's and Submissives on what a brat is to them, perhaps "brat" would not be the most accurate word for me. Trial and Error my dears. What I have heard from several accounts, most people consider brats to be , submissives that purposely try to annoy Dom's into giving them negative attention, or use their behavior to steer a Dom to their means. Topping from the bottom so to speak. Yeah, that's not really my thing. I can't imagine why I would honestly want a Dom upset with me.

I can honestly understand how people would mistake me to fall under the category of a brat. Each person has their own ideals on exactly what they think the lifestyle should be, as well as how every dynamic in the lifestyle should be. I may have not been in many relationships in my life, but I am aware that no two of them were alike. So, I don't know why people expect conformity in the lifestyle. I defiantly don't fit the bill on what most people think a submissive should be. I don't kneel. Why should I have to kneel to show reverence? I don't call every Tom ,Dick and Harry "Sir, or Master" What for? Submission isn't protocol , and it certainty isn't fancy honorifics. This irks people, and apparently comes off as "disrespectful" and to those people I say, get over yourself. Not calling you Master, or kowtowing to you doesn't make me any less of a submissive.

Now, I love playing with Doms, I think Tynian put it best last night. "You know where the line is, and you always stop before you cross it. That isn't being a brat, it's being smart." I absolutely love to play. You know in hindsight , it has never actually been a Dom I was playing with , who I offended. It was always either some bitchy Free woman, who had nothing to do with it, or another submissive. I honestly don't get women, why would you start shit with me just because a Dom is choosing to give me attention? You know what the best thing about being uncollared is? The attention. Now I know... some people are like "but pea, I thought attention seeking is bad and bratty?" Yes, and No. It can be depending on how you go about it. When I am being playful with a Dom, and notice that he doesn't approve of my antics... I stop immediately. I'm kinda sensitive at heart , so it's pretty easy to hurt my feelings. So I try to avoid that. A Brat, will accept any attention, including negative at whatever expense of the Dom. She will keep pushing and pushing until she gets her way. Whether she wants attention, whether she wants him to bend to his will. Whether she causes a scene just to get a punishment.

Another reason people like to throw me in the brat category or in the "wanna be subbie" line is because I am in no way shape or form, or in any sense of the word "Meek" I am known for standing up for myself, I am known for being a spitfire. If you are picking on me (which many Free women, and other submissives have) I will stop you out with a quickness, and put your snarky ass back in your place. People seem to be under the delusion , that just because I am submissive means I have to be submissive to everyone, or that I need to be malleable, and delicate. Comedy. It takes a mighty heart to be submissive, and I don't see anyone who is easily maneuvered or manipulated, or easily influenced, being successful in that role. I guarantee you that submissive would be subjected to all kinds of abuse before she found her way.

People in the Lifestyle seem to forget that world law, trumps lifestyle law any day. You can ask anyone who keeps my company, I am always respectful, as long as you come at me with respect, and realize that until I have made a conscious decision to submit to you... or at the very least show you reverence, that we are in fact equals. I will not do as you command, and I will not call you Master, I will not call you Sir. I will in fact, speak to you as a peer, but with mutual respect. That isn't to say that one has to be my Dom to earn that kind of acknowledgement from me, there are plenty in the lifestyle who I afford those same curtsies because they earned it.

Why is it that people expect slaves and subbies to be rigid in everything but bed? I have a news flash for you people , liking to have fun and play around does not automatically equal brattiness. You wanna to know the honest truth? I think I would gouge my eyes out from boredom , if all I ever did was kneel prettily, be all graceful, and and fetch water and food for a Dom. Kill me...now. My existence would be meaningless. I love to engage in conversation, I love to learn new things, I love adding to my arsenal of capabilities and interest. I can be quite beguiling, and I love to entertain, and by far the most I love to play. So the next person to call me a brat, really needs to evaluate , exactly what a brat is, and whether they are correct, or they are just being vindictive because I hurt their inflated ego, or don't submit to their protocols, because baby I wrote the Award winning dissertation on submission ;)

Slaves Vs. Submissives

OK I may or may not have written about this topic before, and my views on things generally don't change, so you will have to forgive me , if this post seems repetitive. I am writing this post from both perspectives; submissive, and slave, having myself, been in a dynamic for each genre, so to speak. The most common thing I have heard about the difference between a slave and a submissive is; within the slave dynamic the relationship is more about the dominant , while within a submissive relationship it is more about the submissive. While I acknowledge that everyone has the right to their opinion. I must respectfully, disagree.

I don't believe I have ever been any less devoted to Master, then I was to a Dom. I don't think there was any less submission afforded to the other. The difference to me between a slave and a submissive has to do more with what I will refer to as "rights." ... As a submissive, I was more afforded the right to express an opinion, as well as express a dislike or distaste for certain things. Now I am a big advocate of keeping actual slavery separated from consensual slavery, ...so while I must stress the fact that these are also rights afforded to BDSM slaves, I do understand that as a slave we forfeit, our right to...well, rights.

The biggest problem I have with consensual slavery , is people who claim to have "no limits" ..Everyone has limit's I assure you, but I do understand the concept of a Master not allowing his slave limits. Been there, done that, have the coffee mug. Slave is not something I really identify with very well, because I have an overwhelming need to express my opinions, I enjoy reserving the right to say no. Just because I say no to my Dom, doesn't make me any less submissive I assure, submission is not succumbing to every fucked up , and depraved sexual torture that some Dom wants to put you through. In fact I have been in relationships that were D/s and were not sexual in nature at all. Something that people within the lifestyle seem to forget is that dominance and submission, are traits. They aren't sexual acts, they aren't fetishes. Take notes class.

Did I feel any different as a submissive than a slave? Honestly, yes .. as a slave I felt more restricted then I was as a subbie, to communicate with my Dom, and express my feelings. Not saying that's how it is will all slaves, this is just my own personal experiences with it. I really honestly never had trouble as a slave. In fact, I quite excelled at it. However, it just isn't my preferred way of life. Submission comes to me as naturally as the air I breathe. I won't go as far to say I was born submissive, because I honestly think it had more to do with my upbringing, but I can tell you I don't have a dominant bone in my body. That's not to say I don't have the ability to assume leadership roles, or to be assertive, anyone who thinks that submissives and slaves are so weak minded that they can be molded, or "broken" or are doormats, need to really analyze their role in this lifestyle and take a step back. Humans are by nature and birth highly spirited people, and I believe there is nothing worse then a door mat submissive. (Yes, I'm sure that's offensive to someone, after all there is a group of people proud to be called doormats. Get over it.)

Do I think slaves are better than submissives or that slaves submit more? Nope.
Don't at all, I think they are equally on par with each other. If you are honestly that delusional to believe that "everything you do is for your Dom and to make them happy", you're a goddamn liar. You get something out of it too, or you wouldn't be doing it and that's just the got honest truth. So be it slave or submissive you are defiantly doing it for your benefit as well , so I don't see how slavery can be "more about the Master" then submission. It's the same damn concept. Yes , consensual slavery may have more control, but YOU chose that role. So that tells me , You're the one who wanted it that way. Ive seem Dom/Subbie rolls that were just as devoted , trusting and loving as any M/s role I've ever seen, but I digress.

I don't so much choose to be submissive as it is just a deeply imbedded character trait of mine. What some slaves fail to realize is they are submissive as well, every bottom in the D/s lifestyle is a submissive first. Because what you are doing is the process of submitting. So slave, kajira, subbie, pet... all submissives. Some may have more control, some may have less, that isn't really decided by your title, but more by the dynamic in your relationship. I just find that the term "subbie" suits me better. If you honest to god absolutely have to put a label on pea, it's "subbie" Mostly, because I am not gonna bow down to your every whim, or asinine sexual fantasy that comes into your head. I honestly don't think any genre of submissives should, but hey far be it from me to tell them how to run their lives. Honestly I'm in a league of my own my dears, and I march to the beat of my own chains.
Stay classy, America ;)