Dan and I have been together for almost two years now. We have been living together for all of this, because Dan was actually my friend, and one of my tenants before hand. (I know how unprofessional of me.) In those two years we have had a pretty good relationship. Of course there have been road bumps. We have gone through the suicide of our friend together, the murder of my sister together, and my divorce. The fact that we are still together is amazing but a real testament to how much we care for each other. Unlike many of our counter parts, Dan and I are not married. I have been married and it ended rather harshly and took a toll on me that ended in panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. So now I am a little more cautious of the marriage factor. Don't get me wrong, I want to get married to Dan. Just...not right now.
Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me. Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it. Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.
"You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married. One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.
I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living. Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.
I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him. I hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people. No...he hasn't. but still.
I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish.
Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me. Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it. Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.
"You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married. One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.
I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living. Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.
I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him. I hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people. No...he hasn't. but still.
I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish.
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