Trust Where It Matters

     Dan and I have been together for almost two years now. We have been living together for all of this, because Dan was actually my friend, and one of my tenants before hand. (I know how unprofessional of me.)  In those two years we have had a pretty good relationship. Of course there have been road bumps. We have gone through the suicide of our friend together, the murder of my sister together, and my divorce.  The fact that we are still together is amazing but a real testament to how much we care for each other.  Unlike many of our counter parts, Dan and I are not married. I have been married and it ended rather harshly and took a toll on me that ended in panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. So now I am a little more cautious of the marriage factor. Don't get me wrong, I want to get married to Dan. Just...not right now.

      Since I was young I always resigned that trust meant that someone was not going to hurt me.  Trust meant that I didn't cheat on someone. Trust meant that I knew they weren't going to abusive to me. Therefore I thought I was well within saying that I trust Dan. However it wasn't until our recent decision to make a bigger move together that I am questioning that trust for him. He wants to buy a house and take out a loan so that we can mortgage it. By which I mean he wants to take out a loan..so he can mortgage it.  Why would that be a problem you might ask? Well, a couple of reasons.

     "You don't have to pay anything if you don't want too." I have heard this before. I have done this before. Most specifically in my last marriage, I was a house wife. One of the things I've learned is this means I can be left high and dry at any time. You have no claims to anything. This doubles when someone is not married.  One day I could be warm in my bed with Dan and the next I can be in the middle of the street and there's nothing I can do about it. Surely there's a simple answer. Just help him pay for it pea! Well folks that leads us into problem number two.

   I had every intention of helping him pay for it. I was after all the one who helped to get Dan on his feet, and helped him out for a long time, and on occasion still do. Here's the thing, and take note this is a hard learned lesson. Just because you help someone pay into something doesn't mean you have any claims to it. We are not talking about something like a radio or a computer, we are talking about a house. A means of living.  Helping him pay for it can still have me in the former situation if my name is not on the deed and the mortgage.

  I was visibly upset about it yesterday. It just seemed like such a huge leap to be making. Such a decision that I was not ready for. Dan pulled me aside to talk to me. He said that he was doing this for us, he was looking for a house with a fire place like I wanted, somewhere out in the country so we could have a bit more privacy. He asked me if I trusted him.  I  hesitated. I have trusted so many before Dan and have been left utterly disappointed. He asked me if he had ever acted like any of those people.  No...he hasn't. but still.

  I am having a hard time with this, I am having a bit of anxiety about it. I want to be able to trust him, trust that he wouldn't hurt me, trust that he will love me years from now. Trust that he wants to eventually marry me, trust that he sees a future for us together, but I do not know what goes on his mind. I am not a mind reader. Maybe it's my insecurities, but after every thing I have been through...that blind trust seems rather foolish. 

Religion and Relationships

     So Dan and I are very different people. We enjoy different types of music, he enjoys country, while I am under impression it mostly sounds like cat's wailing. We enjoy different types of video games. While I mostly seem him playing games like Pokemon, Zelda, and Skylanders. You can more than likely find me with an Elder Scrolls or Guild Wars 2 or Final Fantasy. He likes the cold, I prefer the hot. We are pretty much polar opposites and even in our religious beliefs we are no different.  Dan is a devout Catholic, I have not known him all of his life, but according to close personal friends he was even an alter boy in his youth. (Poor Dan) I happen to be Agnostic.  I never hid this fact from him, in fact I was rather upfront about it. So how do you have a successful relationship with someone who thinks you're going to burn in hell? Well, it's rather simple really.

   I asked Dan probably back in the Summer time if he thought I was going to go to hell because I did not believe in his religion, to which he responded No, he didn't believe that any one who was helping others, and living productive helpful lives were going to hell just because they didn't believe but he did acknowledge that many Christians do believe that. We have discussions about religion and beliefs about religion. Mostly its because I am genuinely curious about his beliefs and religion. I am never condensing about it, I don't consider Dan to be any less intelligent than me. (at least not because of his beliefs. haha J/k) I respect his religion and his right to practice it, even if I don't understand it.

    Another thing that we do together is participate in intelligent debate with one another.  I mean actual debating, where points and evidence is brought up, not mudslinging where you hear obscenities and foul language . An example of this was actually an debate that took place a couple of nights ago in our bed. Dan was talking about Islamic insurgent groups like the Taliban, ISIS, and Al`Queda. He mentioned that you do not see  many Muslims standing up against them, or denouncing them.  Now don't think I am a terrorist sympathizer I stand for people, and person regardless of race or creed. I tried to explain to him that these organizations have murdered the children of these people who are over there, they have kept them from proper education. There are plenty of people in Afghanistan who do not even know what 9/11 is.  He went on to talk about the mosque that was suppose to be build in 2010 a few blocks away from the site of the World Trade Center.  To which I explained to him that if they owned the land, were American citizens and were paying for the construction then they had just as much right to build their mosque, as someone who was building a synagogue or a church. Those freedoms and liberties belong to all of our citizens, this is the same reason that the KKK and Westboro is allowed to hold demonstrations.  Although I did admit the building of the mosque  was in bad taste.

 Other than that we have a mutual respect of each others beliefs. There is no proselytizing trying to take place. I don't do anything to persuade him towards my beliefs nor vice versa. There's also acceptance of our different beliefs. I know there are plenty of Christians who would not date someone who did not believe what they believed. Same with Agnostics and Atheist, but Dan and I have a wonderful relationship. I think it has a lot to do with all our differences that makes us work so well. We both have different views and ways of looking at things to bring to the table. 

My collar is not my wedding ring.

At AppleBee's with Dan

        About three weeks ago I did a photo shoot with the very talented Puddintane423, You can find him on the Fetlife. The overall theme of the photo shoot was collars.  We shot each one of my steel collars. Collars I had from Eternity and Ring of Steel, regardless of the relationship I was in when I had those collars. Meaning, Rayne's collar was shot too. It felt really strange wearing something that was part of a relationship I no longer have any type of emotional attachment to. It was also the first time I wore it since Rayne and I had split up in 2012. The collar, which was a ring of steel collar was very personalized to include the birth stones of my birthday, Rayne's birthday, and my daughters birthday. There was no way of mistaking it for what it was...a relic of a past relationship.

    I have seen tons of post on Fetlife and across the BDSM community speaking on "collar hopping" and comparing collars to that of a wedding ring.  While it's a nice idealization that being presented with a collar is equivalent to a marriage proposal, I must for several reasons agree to disagree. For me, Collars are largely symbolic. I do not need one to feel more submissive and I do not need one to really show that I am submissive. However, I think it can be a nice tool in D/s and that it is a marvelous piece of jewelry. Yes, I called it a piece of jewelry, because at the end of the day that is what it is. Were I a person of more affluent means, you better believe I would have every design from ring of steel , every design from Eternity, as well as a couple of custom made orders from reputable collar manufacturers.

I know this might sound strange coming from a divorced woman, but I actually don't believe in divorce. I believe that once you are married to someone, you have combined your life with that person. The only reason I am divorced is because well, ..he asked for one, ..and I don't have the option to not comply based on my own personal views. I am also grateful for my divorce because it lead me to an amazing man. However my next marriage, I assure you will be my last. So here is why I don't a collar as equivalent to a wedding ring.

 Dan and I are monogamous, we live in a house with other lifestyles. However, we do not engage in sexual activities with them.  We have been together since April of 2013. Not very long after we got together did we have a collar ordered (for my Birthday.) I believe in the symbolic representation of the collar. "You belong to me." Which can go to all sorts of variants of D/s, Some go so far as it being a reminder that they are consensual "property."  He did give me this collar, but this collar did not come with the promise of what a legal binding marriage would. There are no tax breaks, there is no legal recognition of us being a committed union. My last name will not change, These things do however come along with the promise behind a wedding ring. I am very grateful for the collar that I have now, and the relationship that the collar represents for me. However for me it does not in any shape take the form of a wedding ring or marriage. If a marriage between us happens..great. I really hope it does.  However, I also am sure I won't value what we have any less if it never does, but there will always be a distinct difference between the two for me.

I believe that a collar comes with it's own set of promises (when given to a submissive) that are completely different from the promises of a wedding ring. Both sides are making promises that coincide with their D/s beliefs or contracts. A relationship symbolized through a collar can end as well, as it did in my case with Rayne. There are some things that I did learn from Rayne that I grew from. Her work ethic is one of the things that drives me through school and work to this day. Her belief in me is what fueled me to get into school and start going after my dreams and know that I could achieve them if I worked hard enough. I think the reminder of that is why I decided to keep her collar.  If Dan and I ever break up (knock on wood.) I will probably keep his too to remind me of what I learned from him. To give your last to those who need it the most. To care about those who cannot care for themselves, That there should be no reason to give but the want to give. I feel that relationships in themselves are lessons. Even if it's a lesson of what your not looking for, as was the case with my ex-husband. I thought I was looking for financial stability as my family wanted, ...but I soon learned it was a very weak foundation to base a relationship on.

People should be able to use their collars for any meaning that they want. If you want to present your fiance` with a collar when you propose to her, you are more than welcome to do that. If I want to have several collars that I collect from all around the world or from different manufactures, then that is my right. If someone wants it just to symbolize that they are in a D/s relationship, more power to them. It's really one of the things I love so much about collars is how versatile they are. 

The Definition of "True"

Well my lovely Fetlife family, I am writing this because I came across a couple of writings that make me face palm and utter silently to myself "I cannot not even." and because Hornsandhalo loves my rants. I know..she told me so. ;)  so let the ranting commence.

So I saw someone trying to define "submissive" and the fact that submissives could never be slaves because they don't have the "desire to serve" and how as a "True Dominant" they would never be able to accept a submissive under their collar.  They went on to explain that being submissive was someone who attended munches, and got their ass spanked a few times to satisfy their own sexual needs. Ladies and Gentlemen..I have said it once, and I will say it again. A submissive is anyone with the willingness to submit. Anything that goes beyond that statement is personal to each and every individual submissive.

Also I really hate the idealization that people seem to have in the lifestyle that slaves are somehow more devoted than those who identify as submissives. The number one reason I don't identify as a slave is explained in this writing.. To sum it up really I just don't like the term. If you identify as slave that's great, but I really feel that like everything in the lifestyle it is a personal preference. That being said, someone who identifies as a slave, does not mean they are any more devoted to their top than I am. I have the same willingness to submit, I have the same ability to serve as anyone else in the lifestyle. An awesome lifestyle blogger explained it very well when he said. "All slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves." You can read about it on his blog.

Let me explain that, because I can hear the "Oh hell no I ain't no submissive!" ringing a world sound outcry. If you identify as a slave their is a good chance that you submit to a power exchange ..which would require you to submit. Therefore you're submissive.  Submissiveness is not always a title ..it is also a trait, an action, an adjective. It's such a versatile little word, is it not? Now my response to any one who feels the need to refer to themselves as a "true" dominant/slave/submissive....Well, for the dominants and submissives, there really is no such thing thing. Don't blame me, blame Webster. You either are, or you aren't. Save the switches, I haven't forgotten you guys. :)   As for the the definition of a "true" slave ...well, please refer to the previous blog post, it isn't as glamorous as you think.

Now to the final part of my rant. For anyone who ever is under the impression that they cannot be with a submissive, ..or a pet ..or any other label that someone identifies them self with, ..because they wouldn't be as devoted or as submissive as a slave, or a kajira...or again as anything that someone identifies with. Well my friend, ...that's incredibly ignorant of you.  It also tells me that you have an issue with your identity as a dominant , because you are not able to get that same kind of devotion. Why does the label make them any less valuable? Why does a label make their submission any less of a treasure? If you are quick overlook a person based on what a person identifies as then you my friend are missing out on hundreds of opportunities to connect with wonderful people. 

Bad Date

              So I have actually never had a date that really just sucked...until tonight. The funny thing is it didn't even suck in a bad way it was just a series of sucky events. I woke up late today. We work the third shift so sleeping is in the morning is kind of our thing, however today I didn't wake up until 4:00pm, When I finally did get up Dan keep asking me where I wanted to go. I explained to him that I had been asking to go to the zoo in Chattanooga for quite sometime now. Unfortunately for me, ..a big thunderstorm was coming through that part of town. So anything we did tonight would have to be an inside affair. I finally suggested the Chattanooga Aquarium, which Dan promptly agreed to. I got a bath and got all nice and dressed in my red Marvel shirt and overalls.  When we got into the car..it wouldn't start. For some reason I am having trouble with it turning over.  So it took about an hour to get the car actually started.

   By that time it was way too late to go to the aquarium because Chattanooga is about thirty minutes out of town and since it was thunder storming we had to avoid the highway and take back roads. So we figured we would go to dinner and a movie. We drove around trying to pick out something new because well....we did go all the way out to Chattanooga. We ended up settling on this restaurant called Seoul which is a Vietnamese and Korean restaurant. I am telling you now, ..it..was ..awful. The food was way over priced. I ended up paying like $13 for a cold bowl of salad because the menu didn't explain what anything was. The food didn't taste good, and the service was absolutely terrible. I should have known better by the face the place was completely dead when we went there. It was just an all around terrible experience. The atmosphere was great dim lighted with earth tones but it didn't make up for the terrible food.

 After we left the restaurant, with me still starving. We actually decided to head home. There was only movie that I wanted to see which was The giver, and Dan had absolutely no interest in seeing it. Nothing else was really playing. The thunderstorms had also rolled back through and lightening was flashing every couple of seconds so we decided to go in for an early night. So tonight was a total bust as far as it being a great date night. However, that being said I still had a good time rolling around with Dan even if our plans got messed up. If I am going to have a bad date...I am glad I had it with Dan. 

Broken hearts and Mended Wings

  It is hard to mend a broken heart,  and I have had my heart broken many a time. By My ex husband, by Rayne, by countless family members and friends. It has gotten to the point where when I begin to get close to someone I often wonder: "what grievous wound will this one inflict on my heart?" When I was reading Harry Potter and J.K Rowling was explaining horcruxes, I thought it was a very accurate analogy, which really causes you to feel some sympathy for Voldemort. Having your heart broken feels much like having a piece of your soul fractured.  You feel like you have a lost a piece of yourself that you will never get back. I once heard a phrase that got me through much of my divorce "A broken heart can be mended when replaced with deep devotion." Originally I assumed the quote was referring to religious devotion.  I never for a second thought that the quote could be applied to a person....until I met Dan.

      The relationship with Dan has been one that has been different from every other relationship I have ever been in. One key element that makes it from all the rest.  **It wasn't born of necessity**. We genuinely wanted to be with one another, and trust. Trust was something in a relationship that I had always alluded me. I always saw my mates as potential threats to me. However with Dan it is entirely different. I know within my little submissive heart that I never have to worry about him casting me aside for another person, I never have to wonder if one day he will wake up and not feel the same about me. I never have to wonder if he will raise a hand to me (out of the kinky context) or if I will come home to find another woman in my bed.  It's not so much an expectation, as I just know. The only real fear I have regarding our relationship is that one day I may become too much for him to handle, but that is slowly fading with time as we work together to heal my broken heart.

  I am truly fortunate to have found Dan. He is willing to sit there and hold me when I am having a rough night or going through a panic attack. He is willing to go through the perils of a divorce with me. In the past 18 months that we have been together he has never once left my side or abandoned me in a time of need. He has allowed me to be utterly  and what seemed irretrievably broken. All the while loving me despite this. I can't imagine its easy. I can't imagine it is pleasant being with someone you have to watch fall apart on a regular basis. There have been many times I have wished that I had meet Dan before I had meet my ex husband, I was a completely different person. However, I suppose if I hadn't been treated so poorly and with such contempt I wouldn't know what a truly rare and remarkable person Dan is.  I have never meet someone who makes me want to be a better person in the way that Dan does. It is great when you can work on yourself for you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier when you have someone there who genuinely wants to see you succeed. It is like having someone holding your hand as you walk through a dark and treacherous tunnel that's really long and dark, but as soon as he holds your hand you can begin to see the light at the end of it.

 I have never been an affectionate person, nor a sentimental person, but whenever he walks in the door all I want to do is sit in his lap and be held in his arms. I never wanted to spend a terribly large amount of time with my ex, but when he is home I generally can think of doing nothing else. It lights up my world to see a smile on his face. Even the sex is passionate instead of awkward and uncomfortable as it has been in many of my relationships.  I have endured many years of heartbreak and been living with the repercussions of loving others, but now I am slowly healing it through deep devotion. 

My submission is a willow tree.

     

  When we first meet, Dan would be quite prone to tell me that he didn't think I was "terribly submissive." From his perspective, he was quite right. I didn't really show anyone that side of me. I run an estate and have tenants and at that time, young adults who I was trying to help out. Young adults and tenants who would have walked all over me, if I seemed to be at any time "not in control." I was never terribly mean but I didn't take any bull, and I certainly wasn't in anyway relenting. I commanded order and personal responsibility in the house hold. I could see where he would be under the impression I wasn't submissive. However, when we started dating things changed. I don't think Dan would know submission if it hit him on the head and squirted.

      One of the things that attracts me to Dan is also one of the things that annoys the piss out of me. He is completely unrelenting in just about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something, ..he's going to do it. If he wants to go spend the entire day at the gun shop browsing guns, it doesn't matter how much whining and pouting I do, that is exactly what he is going to do. Compromising isn't really his thing. Don't get me wrong, Dan isn't some unrelenting asshole who treats me poorly. He is actually a wonderful man, He is just really use to his freedom and was quite keen in the beginning of the relationship to let me know that he wasn't going to give it up. So due to this more often than not, I am the one who bends.  Which is perfectly fine by me. I am submissive after all.

       The way I really see myself in my submission is  much like a tree. I have roots that are deeply embedded into the ground. These are things that I just simply will not bend on. This includes things like : My children and schooling come first..even to Dan. My limits, I will not be humiliated, used, or cheated on. Those things I am not willing to waver on, bend or negotiate. Then there is the main part of the tree which is all of my strength I carry that allows me to be submissive, it allows me to know when somethings are best to let go of and let him have, and when I need to be a root. Finally, the branches of the tree are my flexibility, it is where I am willing to waiver. I want chicken tonight, he wan'ts pork chops. So we will have pork chops.  You may not believe it but bending to little things like this makes our relationship easier, and more peaceful for the both of us. I am willing to let him have control of the remote when we watch t.v together. I am willing to accept whatever movie he wants to watch when we go out to the movie theater. I accept things that I am unhappy about, albeit someone begrudgingly. For example, his relationship with Scary spice...as much as I don't like it. I know that it is his right to have female friends, and I know that he isn't sleeping with her.

      I asked Dan a couple of days ago if he thought he would ever want to explore.(Meaning other women, since I am his first long time relationship.) He promptly shook his head and informed me that I was "too much for him to handle." and that he didn't want another woman. He honestly looked stressed from the thought. The thing about it is, ...I am not sure he realizes that there are many women out there who wouldn't be willing to bend as much as I do. There are women out there that would have probably scratched scary spice's eyes out by now. That being said, the more I have been bending and the more I submit to the things he wants, and what he wants me to do. I notice more and more that our relationship runs more smooth and we are both happier. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am making huge sacrifices here, or that I am being deprived. I feel like I have my own special brand of submission that allows for our relationship to be better, and we are both genuinely happy.

Hopeful

       This week Dan is on 12 hour shifts. He leaves every morning at 5 am and does not return home until 5pm. This means I do not get to spend a large amount of time with him because many of my classes start at 5pm and end at 9pm By which time both of us are absolutely exhausted. I think we got to spend about two hours together last night before I passed out in the bed, and he went out to dinner with his brother. Our schedule are extremely hectic and conflict with one another.  The fact that I both work and go to school isn't doing us any favors on time either.

 Yesterday was a rather emotional day for me. I don't like being away from him. It causes my anxiety attacks to go off the charts. I use to get visibly upset about it, and make every effort in my power for him to stay with me. However, he wasn't too keen or happy about that, and it had caused a few arguments so to speak. So while I am still working on being less upset about it, I try not to "make a scene" or whine about it. It doesn't change the fact its hard to me. There are times when as much as I want to I can't go cuddle up in his lap and have him console me. There are times when I have to deal with my panic attacks, and depression on my own without him, ..and it sucks because honestly he has become a huge security blanket for me. There is something about him being around that just makes life bearable for me.

 The good news is that since Dan has finally changed stations at his job, .. he will finally be getting some time off soon where we will be able to spend time together. There are several things I never got to do with my significant other in my previous marriage that I really want to be able to do in my relationship with Dan.  Right now there is a zoo in Chattanooga that I kind of want to visit. Seeing as we are in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. I don't exactly have many options as far as entertainment goes besides the cinema. I just think be able to get out and do something together would be really nice.

 Fall is also upon us, and is slowly becoming one of my favorite seasons of the year. Halloween is Our favorite holiday, so it will be fun to dress up and perhaps go to the Halloween block party that the city holds every year, and gives away a ton of free candy. Mostly chocolate since we are home to the M&M Mars factory. Which is awesome because several times a week you can walk out of your home and the entire city will smell of peanut butter and chocolate. I also can start making things like pumpkin pies and other nice fall treats. I really love the smell of apple cinnamon and pumpkin spice so I buy candles every year to turn the aroma of my house into a fall smelling emporium.

 Yesterday I made homemade butterbeer. If you are a fan of the Harry Potter series I really think you would enjoy the recipe. It was great but a little thick, it is definitely a treat, ..not a thirst quenching beverage! I got a medium sauce pan and melted a stick of butter. Once the butter was melted I then added a half  cup of butter scotch, 2TBS of brown sugar, and a can of heavy cream and brought it to a slow simmering boil. I then added 4 cups of cream soda, and a Tbs of vanilla extract. Continue to simmer and still well for 10 minutes. Add more or less cream soda for desired consistency. Serve hot. Well that's all I have for now. Stay classy folks! :) 

Women and Drama

       Okay now that I've had time to process everything and be as unemotionally involved as possible. Let me tell you some retarded shit that went down. Now I am not a big fan of women as friends. I know ...that's most women. It doesn't make me a unique snowflake. Blah Blah Blah but there are some serious reasons for me to be so against having female friends.

      Now one of these girls is actually my friend, ...the other one is Dan's. (Actually Scary Spice for those who read the last blog.) Anyway I was minding my own wonderful business and sitting in math class bored out of my mind and realizing I no long knew how to do long division and being out my mind when I posted a simple status on my Facebook which stated "If I somehow by the grace of God pass this math class with an A or a B someone better bake me a goddamn cake."  Well both girls out of the kindness of their little hearts said they would bake me a cake. Win win right? Well my friend, herein known as Miss Thang (Thanks Troll_Hunter) decided to get offended. She did not want Scary Spice (or anyone else for that matter.) baking a cake for me. She promptly popped into my messenger to tell me that Scary spice had no business offering to bake a cake for me because she knew I did not like her.

  So lets address that statement first. I really think considering Scary spice herself is under this impression that it needs to be addressed. I neither like, nor dislike Scary Spice. I am indifferent to her, and she isn't my cup of tea. I also find her to be one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met in my twenty five years on the earth so I attempt to distance myself from her. For example, she use to be pagan... but sometime last year "found Jesus" and promptly told anyone who was a pagan friend of hers that she could no longer hang out with them. In my book that is very Unchristian like, judgmental, and hypocritical. I also told her several years ago that I ran a few bondage websites (back when I did.) and her first response to it was "Ah, don't worry I won't tell anyone. " As if I was suppose to be ashamed of it for some reason. However, I do kind of agree with Dan that there is no actual malice behind the things she does and the things she says. I honestly just think she is extremely young minded and ignorant. I don't think the girl is a bad person. I think Eventually when she has to pay her own bills for a while, (her boyfriends parents pay them) and meets some other people she will eventually (and hopefully gain some out world experience) and no longer be pretentious.

Now then, Miss Thang went on a tangent about how Scary Spice didn't invite her to any of the events that she had, and how she wanted to be her friend and how she felt left out and that Scary Spice has times for other friends but not her.  (Keep in mind these are 20+ year old women) Now it is true Scary Spice will tell you that she has no time to hang out because she has children, ..and how she never leaves the house and how no one has come over in months. Yeah...that's bullshit. Absolute bullshit, but the thing I don't understand is why Ms. Thang cares so much?  Why do you want to be friends so bad with someone who is going to cast you aside for someone else every time she gets the chance? Fuck that.

I really really hope I meet some awesome and interesting people at the munch in September because I swear if I can't find a friend who has some emotionally stability that I can actually hang out with  without the extra dramas and insecurity then I am going to cocoon myself in my room and never speak to another living human being again.
  Please be awesome people K-Pet ;-;