Hating Everyone Sucks, ...Trust Me.

     I have a really hard time making friends, like unreasonably hard time. Most of the friends that I have now, I have been friends with for over 10 years and we went to high school together. The problem with this is I went to high school in Atlanta, and most of  my friends are still there. When I came to a new city I didn't really know anyone. I meet Dan at D&D games that I use to host and cook for. There were other people there, but no one who really shared my same interest or was of the same interest as me. The other friend I met there unfortunately committed suicide last year.  I have a couple of my tenants who I am friends with but they are all male , and one of them has a very inappropriate crush on me, which makes things a bit complicated when I just wanna hang out and go to the zoo or something.

    Pretty much I wanted to find female friends but there was a couple of problems with this. 1.) I'm an introvert I don't really leave my little hovel much, unless I notice that I am beginning to get depressed from lack of sunlight. I have absolutely no idea how to strike up conversations with the same sex. 2.) I really want a female friend who is into the same things I am into. It doesn't have to be everything. Someone into Spartacus would be nice, ...or Game of thrones, ...or the Hunger games. I do actually have a female friend who is into the hunger games but sometimes conversation is so strained between us do to my being a home body and her being raised in a christian school, therefore not having much social skills. There's a lot of nodding and smiling. 3.) I have a really really hard time looking over the flaws of others. Which I know is horrible of me, because I am filled with them. For example the friend I was just referring to is going through a hard spot in her life which is understandable. Expect shes come to be at a level of dependency that it is expected that if we go out..I pay for it. Which I don't mind doing on occasion but its becoming a bit too much.

        I also have a hard time finding friends here because literally everyone is Christian. Now I am not saying that if you're a christian I won't be friends with you, or any of that Jazz, but these are the kind of Christians that want to save your soul from eternal hell, and I just really think that religion is a personal choice that should be between you and your god, not really to be flaunted around anywhere. Anyway, as soon as one of them finds out I am agnostic , it's like they go on some never ending mission to save my soul or shun me from them all together. Its really quite discouraging to me when someone tells me we can't be friends because we are on a different spiritual journey.

I suppose the other thing that gets in the way of me connecting with any female friends around here is that this is such a tight knit community as it is. Everyone already knows everyone. They've known each other all of their lives and grew up here. To them I am like this awkward little outsider that has invaded their city and is awkwardly trying to fit in. I feel like such a teenager writing this, but it really is getting rather annoying not having anyone to talk to or hang out with when my one female friend may be busy, or Dan's at work, or I just want to go out to a movie to get away from it all.

 Lastly, I really want a friend that would be accepting of my kinky side. It's minimally kinky, but still it's who I am. I have many friends who are into the lifestyle, but most of them are spread out across the country, and I have only met rayskajira personally. Who don't get me wrong is a lovely woman, but lives all the way out in Ohio. angelic^whimpers is awesome, but I don't see me making the trip out to Cali anytime soon either. The other thing about it is, I can meet all the lifestylers in my area but usually the same thing happens that did in Kansas. They don't understand I am not looking for play partners, just friends. Why can't we be friends and not screw?! There is a munch coming up in community this Saturday, that I hope I will get to meet some wonderful people, there's a red head who looks promising as possible friend potential, and I will get to meet other kinky people and smear my awkward weirdness all over them to. So I haven't quite given up on fitting into this quaint little town. Trying to stay positive and look forward to the munch.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to smear my vulnerabilities all over you guys. :) 

Women and Drama

       Okay now that I've had time to process everything and be as unemotionally involved as possible. Let me tell you some retarded shit that went down. Now I am not a big fan of women as friends. I know ...that's most women. It doesn't make me a unique snowflake. Blah Blah Blah but there are some serious reasons for me to be so against having female friends.

      Now one of these girls is actually my friend, ...the other one is Dan's. (Actually Scary Spice for those who read the last blog.) Anyway I was minding my own wonderful business and sitting in math class bored out of my mind and realizing I no long knew how to do long division and being out my mind when I posted a simple status on my Facebook which stated "If I somehow by the grace of God pass this math class with an A or a B someone better bake me a goddamn cake."  Well both girls out of the kindness of their little hearts said they would bake me a cake. Win win right? Well my friend, herein known as Miss Thang (Thanks Troll_Hunter) decided to get offended. She did not want Scary Spice (or anyone else for that matter.) baking a cake for me. She promptly popped into my messenger to tell me that Scary spice had no business offering to bake a cake for me because she knew I did not like her.

  So lets address that statement first. I really think considering Scary spice herself is under this impression that it needs to be addressed. I neither like, nor dislike Scary Spice. I am indifferent to her, and she isn't my cup of tea. I also find her to be one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met in my twenty five years on the earth so I attempt to distance myself from her. For example, she use to be pagan... but sometime last year "found Jesus" and promptly told anyone who was a pagan friend of hers that she could no longer hang out with them. In my book that is very Unchristian like, judgmental, and hypocritical. I also told her several years ago that I ran a few bondage websites (back when I did.) and her first response to it was "Ah, don't worry I won't tell anyone. " As if I was suppose to be ashamed of it for some reason. However, I do kind of agree with Dan that there is no actual malice behind the things she does and the things she says. I honestly just think she is extremely young minded and ignorant. I don't think the girl is a bad person. I think Eventually when she has to pay her own bills for a while, (her boyfriends parents pay them) and meets some other people she will eventually (and hopefully gain some out world experience) and no longer be pretentious.

Now then, Miss Thang went on a tangent about how Scary Spice didn't invite her to any of the events that she had, and how she wanted to be her friend and how she felt left out and that Scary Spice has times for other friends but not her.  (Keep in mind these are 20+ year old women) Now it is true Scary Spice will tell you that she has no time to hang out because she has children, ..and how she never leaves the house and how no one has come over in months. Yeah...that's bullshit. Absolute bullshit, but the thing I don't understand is why Ms. Thang cares so much?  Why do you want to be friends so bad with someone who is going to cast you aside for someone else every time she gets the chance? Fuck that.

I really really hope I meet some awesome and interesting people at the munch in September because I swear if I can't find a friend who has some emotionally stability that I can actually hang out with  without the extra dramas and insecurity then I am going to cocoon myself in my room and never speak to another living human being again.
  Please be awesome people K-Pet ;-;

Dealing with the Green Eyed Monster

   I am not a jealous person by nature. Growing up, I was not even sure why girls felt the need to get jealous. I was by all accounts indifferent to the emotion. Until I had a baby, and after that a whole new wave of emotions I had never experienced before and had no idea how to deal with swarmed me. Jealousy was among them.

     Tonight I was cleaning the house, nothing too major, just vacuuming, making sure dishes were in their proper spot and throwing away any trash or debree that might be lingering around in hopes that tidying up might help me clear my head space so that I could better concentrate on my school work.  When I got to the room that Dan and I share I came across some documents from almost a year ago. Turned out that they belonged to a certain green haired girl that I shall herein refer to as "Scary spice." Now I have known from the beginning of our relationship that Dan has had a thing for Scary spice, which is fine I have a thing for Andy Whitfield (google him.) but these little documents that Dan had left on our dresser were a reminder that he had paid her probation fees all last year while we together and also has been paying her phone bill for the past two years...18 months of which we were together.  Well, we got into it. It really really bothers me that he does this for her, and to be honest it's just her that this bothers me with. I don't like it in the least she has her own significant other, and I think it is highly inappropriate.

     Of course his response to how I feel is 1.) It's his money. 2.) It was a Christmas gift back in Christmas of 2012 and he is still obligated to pay for it. ...Honestly, who does that? So words between us were thrown back in forth with his argument being "that I always bring old things up." Mine being "It isn't something old if something that bothers me is continuing to happen. "  The other problem that I have with scary spice is she has several friends that would jump if she said how high, ... so why does she also get to have part of what belongs to me? I asked Dan if he thought it would be appropriate if Scary Spice's bf paid for my cell phone bill.  He said scary spice's bf would have a problem with it, because he's a deadbeat and doesn't pay for anything for himself. Ahh touche' you may think, but tell me why does Scary Spice's bad choice in men automatically mean that I have to share mine?

  With Rayne I was perfectly okay with being Poly, sure bring another girl in. I am all for it! However, with Dan I don't see it ever being possible. Seeing him give just a puzzle piece sized portion of himself, ...is too much. I don't even like knowing that they talk via text, but at the same time I don't want to try to hinder who he is "allowed" to hang out with.  I just feel him paying her probation , and her phone bill is crossing over common courtesy boundaries of a relationship. I also blame her for this because if the tables were turned, ... scary spice would become scary bitch. So I don't understand how she seems to be under the impression that this is appropriate either.

I don't know, on one hand I feel I am totally justified in being upset and on the other I feel that perhaps I am overreacting. The argument ended as per usual, with him continuing to pay her cell phone bill, and with me crying in the corner of the bed because something as simple as that, ...is like telling me "If it came down to it, I would choose her over you. " Thought he has made light of the situation by making jokes as " Why would I trade one crazy bitch for another?"
Oh gee I don't know Dan ..maybe cause you pursued her and I had to chase after you.  I digress. It also makes me feel like Scary Spice takes precedence over me.

Ahh well, at least I got some pretty good sex after the argument.