Hating Everyone Sucks, ...Trust Me.

     I have a really hard time making friends, like unreasonably hard time. Most of the friends that I have now, I have been friends with for over 10 years and we went to high school together. The problem with this is I went to high school in Atlanta, and most of  my friends are still there. When I came to a new city I didn't really know anyone. I meet Dan at D&D games that I use to host and cook for. There were other people there, but no one who really shared my same interest or was of the same interest as me. The other friend I met there unfortunately committed suicide last year.  I have a couple of my tenants who I am friends with but they are all male , and one of them has a very inappropriate crush on me, which makes things a bit complicated when I just wanna hang out and go to the zoo or something.

    Pretty much I wanted to find female friends but there was a couple of problems with this. 1.) I'm an introvert I don't really leave my little hovel much, unless I notice that I am beginning to get depressed from lack of sunlight. I have absolutely no idea how to strike up conversations with the same sex. 2.) I really want a female friend who is into the same things I am into. It doesn't have to be everything. Someone into Spartacus would be nice, ...or Game of thrones, ...or the Hunger games. I do actually have a female friend who is into the hunger games but sometimes conversation is so strained between us do to my being a home body and her being raised in a christian school, therefore not having much social skills. There's a lot of nodding and smiling. 3.) I have a really really hard time looking over the flaws of others. Which I know is horrible of me, because I am filled with them. For example the friend I was just referring to is going through a hard spot in her life which is understandable. Expect shes come to be at a level of dependency that it is expected that if we go out..I pay for it. Which I don't mind doing on occasion but its becoming a bit too much.

        I also have a hard time finding friends here because literally everyone is Christian. Now I am not saying that if you're a christian I won't be friends with you, or any of that Jazz, but these are the kind of Christians that want to save your soul from eternal hell, and I just really think that religion is a personal choice that should be between you and your god, not really to be flaunted around anywhere. Anyway, as soon as one of them finds out I am agnostic , it's like they go on some never ending mission to save my soul or shun me from them all together. Its really quite discouraging to me when someone tells me we can't be friends because we are on a different spiritual journey.

I suppose the other thing that gets in the way of me connecting with any female friends around here is that this is such a tight knit community as it is. Everyone already knows everyone. They've known each other all of their lives and grew up here. To them I am like this awkward little outsider that has invaded their city and is awkwardly trying to fit in. I feel like such a teenager writing this, but it really is getting rather annoying not having anyone to talk to or hang out with when my one female friend may be busy, or Dan's at work, or I just want to go out to a movie to get away from it all.

 Lastly, I really want a friend that would be accepting of my kinky side. It's minimally kinky, but still it's who I am. I have many friends who are into the lifestyle, but most of them are spread out across the country, and I have only met rayskajira personally. Who don't get me wrong is a lovely woman, but lives all the way out in Ohio. angelic^whimpers is awesome, but I don't see me making the trip out to Cali anytime soon either. The other thing about it is, I can meet all the lifestylers in my area but usually the same thing happens that did in Kansas. They don't understand I am not looking for play partners, just friends. Why can't we be friends and not screw?! There is a munch coming up in community this Saturday, that I hope I will get to meet some wonderful people, there's a red head who looks promising as possible friend potential, and I will get to meet other kinky people and smear my awkward weirdness all over them to. So I haven't quite given up on fitting into this quaint little town. Trying to stay positive and look forward to the munch.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to smear my vulnerabilities all over you guys. :) 

9/11 and The Butterfly Effect

        13 years ago today, I was in middle school.  I was still in my homeroom class when they wheeled into the classroom, and every one in the classroom stared in awe as the second plane hit the world trade center, and everyone onlooking in horror as people trapped inside of the building began to jump to their deaths. Later on that day, we watched as both towers collapsed in on themselves. Now I will keep my own personal beliefs of what happened on this tragic day to myself, It is really irrelevant for what I want to convey.

  One of my friends on Fetlife, and on Facebook said that he  believes people should "get over it" because it happened 13 years ago, and that it wasn't the greatest loss of life on American soil. While I can see his side of it to a certain extent, I cannot agree with it. I don't necessarily think that 9/11 should be labeled a "national day of mourning" as he put it. However, I don't really feel people should get "over it" He compared the day to the Civil War stating that it was the largest loss of life in American history. Which of course, ... you have Americans basically fighting Americans.  Don't get me wrong the Civil war was a tragic time in our history as well, and those who fought and died in it should be honored...which is one of the reasons we have Memorial day.  However comparing the events of September 11, 2001 to the Civil War is a little redundant. As I stated the civil war was tragic but no one who is alive now was there to witness the events, or even have a family member who witnessed the tragedy. Even with as much empathy as you can possibly muster, you will never be able to know exactly how those events would have effected you. The fear, the panic, the loss, the dumbstruck shock, and the tragedy.

 September 11th is a bit different in the fact that many of us remember exactly what we were doing when we were stopped in our tracks. We know the fear we felt, we remember seeing the look of horror on the faces of our peers around us. Some of us can even remember the smell of the burning buildings and the stench of fire and death that surrounded New York, it is permanently bedizened in our minds. Some of us lost our family members in this tragedy, many more lost family members to the wars that swiftly followed the event. I was fortunate to not have lost anyone in the attacks of September 11th, but it certainty was not easy watching my husband leave for Afghanistan 10 years later strapped with a m-16 rifle or hearing River City screamed throughout his camp in Afghanistan and wondering if the next time they called river city would it be for him? 9/11 was a ripple that affected so many more people than the lives it took.

 The biggest problem I had with his views is that "we should just get over it." The people who lost their loved ones; sons, wives, daughters, mothers, fathers, siblings are still living. Do you ever really get over the loss of someone that you love? Every year you will go on knowing that you will set one less plate at the dinner table. You will know that your father will never see your graduation, or that a mother will never get to meet her grandchildren.  America was dealt a grievous wound and these great wounds take time to heal. There will come a day where September 11th will be just another day in your grandchildren's history book, no different from December 7, 1941 or September 3, 1939. The posters will fade away and become political memorabilia the "Never forget" campaign will become just headlines in a news paper. Until then, I am perfectly content to allow America and her people grieve for however long they need.

Collars. A quick Review!

Does my nose look big to you? 

    The collar I have from Ring Of Steel by Vadfarkas was originally given to me in 2012 from Rayne. It it what is known as a coffle collar with hinge ring and padlock option. It is a custom made original that Rayne asked Vadfarkas to design specifically for me. It cost approximately $250.00 There is a total of 7 gems in-bedded in it. 2 purple, 2 white, 2 green and one red in the back where the collar connects to a heart shaped pad lock. What I really like about this collar is the quality it was made. I have had it for about 3 years now and there is absolutely no blemished, no wear and tear. There isn't so much as a smudge on it and I can take a shower with it on without having to worry about it rusting. I also love the fact that it has the o-ring on it to be able to attack a leash. (Which I have of course done.) Even though I do not wear this collar, I have to say because of the quality and durability attached, it's my favorite collar. I will definitely be purchasing another one of Vad's products in the hopefully very near future.So it is a little bit more pricier..but in my opinion it is completely worth it if you want a collar that is going to last you for life!  For those who do not know what ring of steel is you can view their website here Ring of Steel

look at those boobs!! mmmm

      The collar that Dan got for me was given to me in 2013 for my 24th birthday and is the collar I currently wear. He purchased it from the website without the pendant. The one I have is called "original." They also have other options such as "gold plated" and "titanium." The collar without the pendant cost exactly $100.00 and at the time was shipping free if you made a purchase over $90.00. What I like about this collar set was the ability to add the pendant , though the pendant is an extra $55.00. However, the pendant can be inscribed. You can pick the font and what you want your pendant to say. Mine is inscribed in the font "Josephine" and the front says "Dan's" while the back says "sweetpea" The drawback to this collar is I would not recommend wearing it in the shower...the collar itself won't rust but the allan screw it comes with will. I am also having a bit of trouble with it as far as closing. I literally have to slam it shut every time I need to close it back around my neck. However, I could just be unlucky. All in all it's a pretty decent collar. You can check out their website at Eternity Collars.

I hate this photo.

Finally, the last collar I own comes from The Collar Factory who specialized in more of a leathery type of collar. Now for anyone who knows me they know I cannot stand leather collars. So don't let my hatred of leather sway your opinion! That being said this was the first collar given to me by Rayne before we had ever meet in person. So I guess it was kind of like.. a promise collar? It was $50.00. Now there are three things that I do like about this collar. 1.) It is absolutely affordable, if you think $50.00 is unreasonable you should really check out some of the custom collars made on etsy to gain some perspective of the going rates of quality collars. 2.) It is very easy to customize via their website. You can pick the type of buckle., What the collar says (Mine says Rayne) and the color of the threat lining. 3.) What I like most about it is it isn't leather on the inner side it is a nick pink plush that is very soft against my skin. The downside? Well it's leather for one..and I just have a weird hatred of leather. The ends do tend to somewhat tatter, and my dogs to destroy it in a heartbeat if I didn't keep it in a safe locked box. However I feel it is a good first collar, ...especially if you are on a budget. You can check their store out at The Collar Factory

Stay Awesome Folks! 

What I Want In A Dominant

I suppose before I start this blog post, an introduction is in order. I'm pea's younger brother, not a brother by blood, but close enough. Like her, I am a submissive. Like her, I am a college student. Unlike her, I have a penis. This complicates D/s related matters, as submissive men have a (deserved) negative reputation in the minds of most people. I'm no good at picking writing topics, so I asked pea for one, and here we are at what I would want in a dominant partner. This'll be a treat.

I've often thought of this topic, but never really thought how to best put it to words, so I suppose I'll just have to run down my criteria as they come to mind. I guess this will reflect how important they are to me. Let's start with a fairly simple thing, gender. I am sexually attracted to women more than men. This isn't to say this is a set-in-stone fact, but after thinking about it a bit, I came to the conclusion that I would more likely be more interested in a relationship with a woman.

From an easy topic to a more complex one, one that I will bluntly put for the sake of brevity. I will not submit to anyone less intelligent than myself. This likely comes off as arrogant, because it probably is, but it's the reality of the situation. When I told pea of this, she replied with a statement along the lines of "you'll be alone for the rest of your life", which is wonderful moral support. However, I'm not as smart as she thinks I am, nor am I as smart as I think I am.

What's more, I don't mean "intelligent" in the book-smart sense; quite frankly, I don't care if a partner knows what a quadratic equation is, much less how to solve it. I refer to the word in a more holistic sense. Perhaps the correct word to use would be is wisdom. It is, after all, a complex feeling I have on this matter. I just know that I probably would not submit to someone who doesn't fulfill this Daedalean need that I have in order to submit.

This segues in a way that doesn't segue into the topic of age. This was something else I put a great deal of thought into, and the result was surprisingly narrow minded by me. After thinking on it, I'd much rather be in a relationship with someone around about the same age as myself (23), give or take a few years. I thought this to be somewhat vein, and it is; age should make no difference. But it does. Not in any sexual sense at least, but in terms of relating to a person, I'd much sooner make an emotional connection with someone who grew up with the same things as myself, in the same cultural age as myself.

Does this mean it is impossible for me to ever get into a relationship with someone my elder by a decade or more? Not at all. But I suspect that I would find it easier the closer the person's age is to my own.

Now comes the physical part, in that while pea cares more of matters sensual and psychological, I care more about the physical aspect (which isn't to say that I don't care about other things; just that I also care about bondage and fetishes and stuff.). To be blunt once more, I am horribly perverted person. This would likely be a fairly major sticking point to someone who isn't much into physical stuff as I am, and would likely tank a relationship with such a person.


As for other physical stuff, I have thought about it, and I've discovered that I'm not as nit-picky as I thought I was. At the end of the day, while I do have certain racial preferences, a person I am attracted to (mentally or physically; ideally both) is a person I am attracted to, be they Asian, Caucasian, Latino/a, or Black. In terms of other physical attributes, I've found that I'm not picky. This isn't to say that I do not have things that I find sexy, in either gender, but that's another blog topic for another day.

Oh, that said, I like taller people or shorter people. Not so much people around my average height. It's one of those things that I'm just weird about.

I think that should be enough for a first blog post, so I'll just leave it here for now. Thanks for taking the time to let me exhibit my vain thoughts.

Shooting on the Hiwasee

       Yes I know I am late, and that I didn't post anything yesterday. Bad pea! Bad! Anyway, the reason I posted nothing yesterday  is because I only got about 2 hours of sleep and then ended up doing a photo shoot on the Hiwassee River. It was absolutely wonderful and I had a great time! A good portion of the shoot was spent with me trying to figure out how to maunevur into positions around the rocks. For those of you who don't know, river rocks are extra slick. So much so that they feel slimy. It was gorgeous out there though. Perfect weather conditions the sun was shining through the trees and the water was perfect temperature. I even ended up doing some semi- naked shots there which went much better than I expected it to. Both of the photographers were great to work with as well , so it wasn't like I was out there working with people who have no sense of humor and a stoic attitude. I know one of them pretty well and he's cool peoples. The other photographer is actually here on Fetlife, you guys can find him HERE. He is awesome sauce as well, and very professional! So check him out and some of his work!
Here is teaser from both photographers.

Don't I just look so happy to be doing this? 

   Today I went to orientation...again. The guy doing this class is a bit more reasonable. His orientation was only 30 minutes long, and although I can tell the class "Occupational Safety" is going to be the boring Goddamn class ever ..he at least seemed to have a level head about it. Also, thank goodness it's online. I will probably start working on my class assignments as soon as I finish this post and my 30 Days of kink challenge because you know, ...commitment. I think this is going to be a good semester for me, even though I have boring classes..and a foreign language known as "Math."  It's all good though since I don't really have the option to fail, I would loose my scholarships. Failure is not an option!!!

Oh, Also today I also tried something new , dangerous, and incredibly stupid. I tried to sing! For those of you who are Fetlife you can view the video (and pics) on my blog.  So , tell me what you think. The song is called "I've been" and it is actually by Anna Akana who is a great you tube personality, and a great aspiring actress who has done wonderfully on all the projects I have seen of hers. So in her words. "Stay Awesome Gotham!"

Check out my sucky singing Here

School is starting!!

     Fall semester at my college starts on Monday and I am super excited and super nervous. This will be my 4th semester and by this time next year I will be graduating! Hooray! The reason why I am nervous is for a few of reasons. 1.) I will be doing 12 credits which is normal...but I will be taking 6 classes. For someone who works and everything this is a heavy course load. The other reason is 2.) I will be taking keyboarding again for the third semester ..I usually end up dropping it. Now I know what you are thinking "Pea, that is like the easiest class ever!"  I know and it should be, but the professor who teaches it does everything in her power to make it as complicated as possible, and since it's  web class I think she tried extra hard. 3.) Finally, because this semester I have decided to start working on my math courses and for anyone who knows me, they know I absolutely hate math, and I absolutely suck at it. Seriously if it is not basic addition, subtraction, and multiplication chances are I don't know how to do it, and you can show me it, and I might even learn it but I will forget it. I remember doing a bunch of math when I started studying for my GED and the ASVAB and learning how to add, and multiply fractions and decimals and all that jazz. Which was great..because I passed the ASVAB with a 61 and I clearly passed my GED test, but I could not tell you how to do any of that now because  I did both of those in 2012, and haven't really used that type of math since. Word to the wise no matter how much they tell you that you are going to need to know the square root of pi in math class, it's a lie!!!  

     I attended her orientation for class this morning and I tell you, usually an orientation for school is anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Her's was 2 hours, if that gives you any indication. It was nice however to be back at school. I will actually be attending classes back on campus for the first time since my first semester there. So who knows maybe I will meet new people there and we will be best friends foreverest. I don't know , I am not really good at initiating or following conversations with people. I have just kind of a sit in the back of the classroom and try not to make any noise type of personality, which is weird because I was super outgoing and popular in high school. Anyway the good news about school is that if everything goes according to plan and I don't slack off and get lazy I can finish with two of my classes within about a months time and have more time to focus on my math classes, which I absolutely suck at :) Awesome sauce. 

    Dan and I also need to figure our our car arrangement schedule. We actually have 3 cars. I own a Voltswagon, and he owns a Saab that I gave him, and a Suzuki Samurai. Apparently he doesn't know whats wrong with the Saab , and the Samurai needs a new starter, and new tires. So of course he drives my car which is problematic with me returning to school and his work schedule , because when he is at work I need to be heading to the school.I would have taken online classes for the math courses if they offered it but 1.) they don't and 2.) I suck so bad at math I really need a hands on environment to begin with.  Hopefully when I get paid next month I can do something about the starter, and since he is getting oodles of overtime on this upcoming paycheck he might be able to do something about the tires. Team work people.  

I have another orientation today at 5:30 and we are trying to figure out the logistics for that now, looks like I will probably be getting dropped off uber early but I have my fingers crossed that it will be another class that I can blow right through. That means I will have  only have 3 classes that are going to be a bitch and a half this semester. Hopefully this will be my second semester on Dean's list. I am damn sure gonna strive for it. Stay awesome folks! 

Denying Our submission

 So as some of you may or may not know I was in a relationship in the 2011-2012 year that was a lifestyle relationship, and when it ended I was completely heartbroken. I stopped writing, I stopped coming around Fetlife, I stopped interacting with many of my kinky friends that I had build relationships with and I for all purposes attempted to live a life outside of the lifestyle which I will tell you now is not impossible, ...but it's also not ideal, or easy. 

I tried to keep the submissive part of me hidden deep inside myself. Which you would think wouldn't be hard, especially since my personality comes off as authoritative, and abrasive. Some of my tenants have even gone so far to tell me I am a dictator. (Which isn't true, ...this just isn't a democracy.) Everything right down to my facial features screams "Not submissive" but then.... I seek out dominant traits in my partners on a subconscious level. I find my self usually turned off by a man who is bursting with submissive features. 

I make scenarios happen in my day to day life in which I can act in a submissive way. 

Many of the movies I watch have a submissive/dominant undertone to them or a just out right and blunt Master/ slave relationship in them. I think perhaps because it is just something that I can relate to.  Not to mention as far as what I am attracted to sexually ..just isn't in any sense of the word "Vanilla".  Hell, there use to be a time I could not lubricate without getting smacked around a few times first. 

 Rayskajira asked me the other day why I had been torturing myself so long to live in a vanilla relationship so much and I guess the answer didn't come to me until now but... I feel that perhaps it was because I didn't want to put myself in the some position I was with Rayne, having put her so high on a pedastool, I guess it was a shock to my system when she fell from it. Don't get me wrong there was many great things I learned from Rayne that I am grateful for. Most of all that she gave me the drive to get up and do what is necessary for me to make it in this world, and two years after the relationship has ended, I have gotten my GED, I go to college, I'm a member of the honor society, and by the grace of God I am almost finished with my degree. I am grateful for that, but at the same time I also outgrew what Rayne was there teach me, and now she has her own journey to work through , and do some learning herself before she will be able to teach another person. 

I think going into this relationship I have now, I have a more mature outlook on things. I have a better understanding of who I am as a person. I know with Rayne I was 21 and that's not much younger than I am now with Dan at 25, but oh, if you understood what a difference a year can make. Now don't get me wrong I still have some of the same issues I did 2-3 years ago as far as security blankets and needing to be reassured that I am loved, but it isn't cripplingly so like it use to be. I am definitely more in tune with myself, I know exactly what I want , who I am , and what I won't put up with. Whereas with Rayne there was somethings I would do for the sake of "submission." Where as at this point I'm more likely to say "Nope Nope Nope, piss off dude! " If you can't respect limits, our conversation ends now, and I think that's healthy. It takes so much to give someone all of who you are...that asking for anymore than that, just seems selfish. 

I don't think I will ever be able to ignore the fact that submission is deeply grained inside of me, as cliche` as that sounds it really is. I have always submitted, in my relationships, in my childhood, and sometimes even  I can see how it can be viewed as a weakness. Women are no longer expected to be the submissive housewife types , now they are expected to be fierce and feminist, and warrior women, but I think being true to who you are takes a great amount of courage in it's own right.  I think me coming back into the lifestyle and loving someone again after being consecutively heartbroken takes a leap of faith, and huge amount of willpower, but I know it would be a great deal more painful to continue to deny that part of who I am.  In one of my favorite songs. "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack a line goes "Loving might be a mistake, but its worth making. " because if I was afraid to get back on that horse I wouldn't have meet my current partner who believe me surpassed my ex husband, and Rayne both by bounds.  Anyway, I am rambling at this point so I am gonna go ahead and end it here. Stay classy Fetlife. 

Do we use our dominants as a crutch?

   So the other day I was going through Fetlife as I have been accustomed to doing as of late and read a interesting question in one of the groups I am apart of. I couldn't tell you the question verbatim because I am just not fortunate enough to be blessed with a photographic memory like that but it was somewhere in the lines of  "Do we use dominants as a means to not take accountability for ourselves" Well, I am going to answer this question on two different sides because for me it is a strange yes...and no. Let me attempt to explain.

   I don't technically need Dan checking up on me 24/7 I don't technically need him to make sure I do my homework. I don't need him to make sure I payed the bills that I am responsible for. I don't need him micro managing me. I am fully capable of doing all this myself. However, if he did and there was consequences for not doing these things. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I have been running around here playing adult for the past 10 years and it never gets any easier to be responsible for yourself. There are in a sense consequences if I fail to do what I am suppose to do. If I don't pay the gas... the gas gets turned off. If I fail to do my homework, my grades drop and I loose my scholarships. So yes there is some accountability for these things.

  However sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Let me give you comeback ground into why I think it might be as well as my Dynamic with Dan. I was raised in a really strict rigid household were I was responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, keeping the house clean, laundry, and going to school. I was made to wake up at 4:00am and work my little tail off before anyone else in the house even thought about waking up. Dan is somewhat of a welcome change hes laid back, calm and collected, and pretty much within reason lets me do whatever the hell I want. It's hard for me to come to him and say "I need boundaries, ...I need you to enforce these boundaries. Does that seem like a bit of a parent/ child relationship. ...Yes, unfortunately. Do I absolutely have to have it? No, probably not, I could probably do it all on my own as I do now. However, the house would probably be much cleaner. My attitude would probably be much better. (Trust me I have a bad one.) and He would probably be much happier.

I think for me it would be ideal to be somewhat micromanaged. I think my family did it in such a way that was abusive that instead of becoming more responsible like I am assuming they wanted me to , they instead made me regress into needed boundaries, limits, and consequences. In fact I believe this is where most of my interest in the lifestyle comes from and probably the reason I am not into other things such as nipple clamps, and bondage. Just strictly the D/s side of things. So yes, in that way I kind of can use a Dom as a crutch in the way that I need someone else to make me take accountability for things. I know that perfection is not attainable but that does not make it any less something that I want to strive for. I think I can always be a better me.