If I Were a Christian

 I am usually pretty hard on all people..but no so much as those who are outwardly religious. I don't mean those who go to church and pray, or those who have pictures of their messiah hanging above their dining room tables. Not even those who openly wear their hijabs or burkas. I am of course referring to those who know you are not of their faith but will invite you every Sunday to their church in hopes that they can talk you into getting saved and save your soul from eternal damnation. Those who seem to look at you with concern when you may practice your own religion , and they call it "barbaric and oppressive."

 Now, I live not  only smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt, I also live in a town that has over 300 churches. There are literally at least two churches on every street if not more.  I really have wondered many a times if there were even enough people in this city to fill all of those churches. The other thing is I haven't seen another place of worship here.. not a synagogue , not a mosque..and a very real possibility that if one might be started here it would be run out of town. Hell, the mosque down in Chattanooga, which is the major closest city to us was burned down. Let's just say this town isn't winning any awards for religious tolerance anytime soon.

I am not religious, ...nor am I an atheist. I identify as being agnostic and have interest in the notions of either proving or disproving an afterlife.  I am open to the idea of a God , but not to a benevolent, omnipotent, all loving, all knowing merciful and righteous God. I am open to the ideas that we can influence our own lives with will power, positive thinking, negative thing, and concentrated intention. I am open to the idea that everything happens for a reason.

 That being said after going through my Facebook and reading several statuses by Christians, being deleted by a couple because I put up my own religious believes, ..and having a few debates from not a religious point of view but from a scholar of many religions I have had quite sometime to sit down and think about what would it take for me to become a Christian, (I am using Christianity as the basis because that is predominantly what the people in my town are, this actually goes for any religion.) How I would expect to be treated, and some of the issues I would have with being a Christian.

 After thinking about this for a while, I came to the conclusion that maybe I am being  a little too hard on the Christians. One of the reasons is because many of the things I would except from Christians are hard. 1.) I expect Christians to be non-judgmental.  Which this is partly a fair request..but also partially unreasonable.  I know, confusing. The mind works faster and processes things before we actually get a time to process things. Your mind looks at things and actually decides what they are before you can come to a conclusion. For example you might see a scadly dressed woman and come to the conclusion that she may be easy or loose, ...because that is what magazines, movies, ..media is betraying loose women to wear and act. This isn't really you're fault, this is programming.  That being said if you really aren't open minded enough to sit down and reevaluate the situation and come to your own conclusions you really are guilty of being judgmental. "Maybe that's just how she likes to dress?"
"Why does it bother me so much what she wants to wear?" Think for yourselves.

Same goes for how other religions are approached. Even if I was a Christian, I would want to know about other religions. I would want to know who Muhammad was, I would want to know why Buddha decided that in order to reach enlightenment, he would have to leave behind his palace, wife, and child. I would want to know why Jews don't believe that Jesus was their savior. I would want to know why atheist didn't believe. I would not be okay with thinking that these people who didn't believe the same thing that I did, ...were going to hell. I could not possibly understand why anyone would wish eternal torture on someone and be able to call themselves good people.  Don't get me wrong many Christians aren't like that, but for everyone of them...there seems to be someone revealing in what they believe to be the spiritual death sentence of another human being. Don't believe me? Go to any youtube video that focuses on atheism.. or secular beliefs and read the youtube comments. "God is real, and so is hell! and that's were you're headed." or some variation of that will be under each one. I just don't understand how anyone could call someone a friend and believe they are going to burn for all eternity if they don't follow their same beliefs. It is diabolical.

If I were a Christian I also wouldn't want to judge other peoples morality on their religion. One of the more common questions I get asked since I am agnostic is "How can you be a good person without God or religion?" That is an absolutely terrifying question because it means to me...this person is basically saying the only thing keeping them from shooting up a school or becoming the next Jeffery Dahmer is their fear of punishment from a divine being. These people also say that if someone is without God, or fear of divine punishment then they can rape, murder, and steal all they want to. I think Penn Jillette put it best when he said "I do rape all I want, and the amount I want is zero."  There is an excellent little post currently making its rounds on Facebook that I feel many people need to see and understand and it relatively simple. "Your beliefs don't make you a good person, ..you're actions do."

Today I had liked a status on Facebook where a couple of Dan's friends had been going through a hard time over the past year do to illness in the family, they had money troubles, difficulty finding a job, difficulty filing for disability for the wife with the illness. Well, they had finally gotten disability along with back pay and her health was improving.The status had several praises for God within its context and them being grateful to the creator...nothing wrong with gratitude at your situation especially since it is such a rare thing. However, someone asked me why I would like the status when I did not believe in the power of God, or in their religion.  Why on earth would I have to believe in their God to be happy that another humans health is improving? Why do I need to be a Christian to donate to the well being of another person in need? Are you saying my money and good intentions are not welcome because I am not of the same faith? Would you deny a blood transplant you desperately needed because the person was Muslim? I genuinely am happy for the wife's return to health. I genuinely wanted to donate the small amount of money I did donate to the family..my belief system had nothing to do with, it was my concern for another human being.

Finally, if I were a Christian the last thing I would want to do it invalidate another person's beliefs.  I think its hurtful to tell someone their religion is wrong and they are going to burn in hell for their beliefs. I was following an atheist page on Facebook at one point in time, and I really just had to unfollow it despite the interesting concepts they presented on the afterlife. The reason is because they were going on tirades against Christians and Muslims. One of the commentators had even gone so fat and to wrap the Koran in bacon , take a picture and post it. Others had pictures of Bibles being set on fire. I think anyone who is willing to invalidate and put down the beliefs of others deserves to have the same thing done to them. I know, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, ..but I really feel that this is something that should be experiences so that you can no how it feels. It is fine to question beliefs. The number one reason being is because they are ideas ..and any idea is open to being questioned and analyzed. Friendly debates among peers should always be welcome. That is how we grow, learn, and express.  However it is not acceptable to be outright disrespectful and indecent to another persons beliefs. It is immature, immoral, and downright vile.

Dealing with the Green Eyed Monster

   I am not a jealous person by nature. Growing up, I was not even sure why girls felt the need to get jealous. I was by all accounts indifferent to the emotion. Until I had a baby, and after that a whole new wave of emotions I had never experienced before and had no idea how to deal with swarmed me. Jealousy was among them.

     Tonight I was cleaning the house, nothing too major, just vacuuming, making sure dishes were in their proper spot and throwing away any trash or debree that might be lingering around in hopes that tidying up might help me clear my head space so that I could better concentrate on my school work.  When I got to the room that Dan and I share I came across some documents from almost a year ago. Turned out that they belonged to a certain green haired girl that I shall herein refer to as "Scary spice." Now I have known from the beginning of our relationship that Dan has had a thing for Scary spice, which is fine I have a thing for Andy Whitfield (google him.) but these little documents that Dan had left on our dresser were a reminder that he had paid her probation fees all last year while we together and also has been paying her phone bill for the past two years...18 months of which we were together.  Well, we got into it. It really really bothers me that he does this for her, and to be honest it's just her that this bothers me with. I don't like it in the least she has her own significant other, and I think it is highly inappropriate.

     Of course his response to how I feel is 1.) It's his money. 2.) It was a Christmas gift back in Christmas of 2012 and he is still obligated to pay for it. ...Honestly, who does that? So words between us were thrown back in forth with his argument being "that I always bring old things up." Mine being "It isn't something old if something that bothers me is continuing to happen. "  The other problem that I have with scary spice is she has several friends that would jump if she said how high, ... so why does she also get to have part of what belongs to me? I asked Dan if he thought it would be appropriate if Scary Spice's bf paid for my cell phone bill.  He said scary spice's bf would have a problem with it, because he's a deadbeat and doesn't pay for anything for himself. Ahh touche' you may think, but tell me why does Scary Spice's bad choice in men automatically mean that I have to share mine?

  With Rayne I was perfectly okay with being Poly, sure bring another girl in. I am all for it! However, with Dan I don't see it ever being possible. Seeing him give just a puzzle piece sized portion of himself, ...is too much. I don't even like knowing that they talk via text, but at the same time I don't want to try to hinder who he is "allowed" to hang out with.  I just feel him paying her probation , and her phone bill is crossing over common courtesy boundaries of a relationship. I also blame her for this because if the tables were turned, ... scary spice would become scary bitch. So I don't understand how she seems to be under the impression that this is appropriate either.

I don't know, on one hand I feel I am totally justified in being upset and on the other I feel that perhaps I am overreacting. The argument ended as per usual, with him continuing to pay her cell phone bill, and with me crying in the corner of the bed because something as simple as that, ...is like telling me "If it came down to it, I would choose her over you. " Thought he has made light of the situation by making jokes as " Why would I trade one crazy bitch for another?"
Oh gee I don't know Dan ..maybe cause you pursued her and I had to chase after you.  I digress. It also makes me feel like Scary Spice takes precedence over me.

Ahh well, at least I got some pretty good sex after the argument. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 4

**Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?**

  Yes, unfortunately. Because I am so strongly drawn to control and micro management, I am pretty sure that much of my kink has to do with how rigid and strict my childhood was. A generally accepted theory in psychology is if something in childhood/adolescence traumatized a person.. they will find a way to sexualize it. We can see this with spanking fetish, consensual non consent, and other things prevalent in BDSM.  It doesn't necessarily even have to have happened to that person. Just the idea of it happening can cause a person to sexualize it into a fetish in that persons psyche.

That being said, I don't really see it as an issue, I like what I like. I wrote a while back about how it was possible that I was using the lifestyle as a means of role play therapy to work through real life situations that I had experienced as a kid. I.E. Being micro managed, ...but without the extensive physical abuse. I think if that's true I have certainty found a safe and therapeutic way to do it.