I'm a bad person.
I'm a sinner and I'll probably sin again.
I'm deceitful, I'm petty, I'm vengeful, I'm manipulative, I'm cruel, I'm cold.
These are the lies I tell myself. I want to be these things, I want to be be them so bad. But, I'm not. It might be pretentious to call oneself "good", but the reality is that while I am sometimes those things, I am oftentimes not. At the end of the day, I'm a nice person.
I fucking hate that.
Maybe it was my upbringing, but growing up, the view that was imparted upon me was one of "if you're not using people, you're wasting a valuable resource". It is a skill-set I have, as I often say, I am my mother's child after all. I can use people, I have used people, I hate using people, I love using people. The lines between sociopathy and schizophrenia can get blurred like that.
But the overwhelming majority of the time I refrain from using these skills. I pass most opportunities to exploit those weaknesses I see so easily. I often go out of my way to help people solely for the sake of helping them.
The cynic's canon of "nice guys finish last" is canonical because it's mostly true. There are exceptions to that rule, but it generally stands; I've been sacrificing my career for the sake of my morale.
Look, there's no value in being some sort of Cruella de Vil overt cackling villain, that will set you up for failure and a lonely death. Part of the game, and yes life is a game, prove me wrong if you wish, is advancing yourself atop of the work of others without them knowing. Them knowing leads to little annoying things such as spite and revenge, and is counter-productive.
I know the moves to accomplish this, and I've seen them done by someone my better at it, but I still often tend to not do it. I like seeing people being happy, making people happy makes me happy.
Happiness is overrated in the free-market economy, and it can be mostly replaced with money, despite whatever philosophy you may want to quote.
That's what gets me most, that I'm costing myself money in exchange of being happy. I'm an American, this is blasphemy against my religion of Capitalism. But I'll still likely do it, I'll still likely hate it, I'll still likely love it.
I'll still regrettably be nice.
I'm a sinner and I'll probably sin again.
I'm deceitful, I'm petty, I'm vengeful, I'm manipulative, I'm cruel, I'm cold.
These are the lies I tell myself. I want to be these things, I want to be be them so bad. But, I'm not. It might be pretentious to call oneself "good", but the reality is that while I am sometimes those things, I am oftentimes not. At the end of the day, I'm a nice person.
I fucking hate that.
Maybe it was my upbringing, but growing up, the view that was imparted upon me was one of "if you're not using people, you're wasting a valuable resource". It is a skill-set I have, as I often say, I am my mother's child after all. I can use people, I have used people, I hate using people, I love using people. The lines between sociopathy and schizophrenia can get blurred like that.
But the overwhelming majority of the time I refrain from using these skills. I pass most opportunities to exploit those weaknesses I see so easily. I often go out of my way to help people solely for the sake of helping them.
The cynic's canon of "nice guys finish last" is canonical because it's mostly true. There are exceptions to that rule, but it generally stands; I've been sacrificing my career for the sake of my morale.
Look, there's no value in being some sort of Cruella de Vil overt cackling villain, that will set you up for failure and a lonely death. Part of the game, and yes life is a game, prove me wrong if you wish, is advancing yourself atop of the work of others without them knowing. Them knowing leads to little annoying things such as spite and revenge, and is counter-productive.
I know the moves to accomplish this, and I've seen them done by someone my better at it, but I still often tend to not do it. I like seeing people being happy, making people happy makes me happy.
Happiness is overrated in the free-market economy, and it can be mostly replaced with money, despite whatever philosophy you may want to quote.
That's what gets me most, that I'm costing myself money in exchange of being happy. I'm an American, this is blasphemy against my religion of Capitalism. But I'll still likely do it, I'll still likely hate it, I'll still likely love it.
I'll still regrettably be nice.
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