You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan. I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.
After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me. He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..
Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.
We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym? Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner? I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine." Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.
I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago. I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.
After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me. He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..
Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.
We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym? Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner? I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine." Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.
I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago. I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.
0 comments:
Post a Comment