Collars. A quick Review!

Does my nose look big to you? 

    The collar I have from Ring Of Steel by Vadfarkas was originally given to me in 2012 from Rayne. It it what is known as a coffle collar with hinge ring and padlock option. It is a custom made original that Rayne asked Vadfarkas to design specifically for me. It cost approximately $250.00 There is a total of 7 gems in-bedded in it. 2 purple, 2 white, 2 green and one red in the back where the collar connects to a heart shaped pad lock. What I really like about this collar is the quality it was made. I have had it for about 3 years now and there is absolutely no blemished, no wear and tear. There isn't so much as a smudge on it and I can take a shower with it on without having to worry about it rusting. I also love the fact that it has the o-ring on it to be able to attack a leash. (Which I have of course done.) Even though I do not wear this collar, I have to say because of the quality and durability attached, it's my favorite collar. I will definitely be purchasing another one of Vad's products in the hopefully very near future.So it is a little bit more pricier..but in my opinion it is completely worth it if you want a collar that is going to last you for life!  For those who do not know what ring of steel is you can view their website here Ring of Steel

look at those boobs!! mmmm

      The collar that Dan got for me was given to me in 2013 for my 24th birthday and is the collar I currently wear. He purchased it from the website without the pendant. The one I have is called "original." They also have other options such as "gold plated" and "titanium." The collar without the pendant cost exactly $100.00 and at the time was shipping free if you made a purchase over $90.00. What I like about this collar set was the ability to add the pendant , though the pendant is an extra $55.00. However, the pendant can be inscribed. You can pick the font and what you want your pendant to say. Mine is inscribed in the font "Josephine" and the front says "Dan's" while the back says "sweetpea" The drawback to this collar is I would not recommend wearing it in the shower...the collar itself won't rust but the allan screw it comes with will. I am also having a bit of trouble with it as far as closing. I literally have to slam it shut every time I need to close it back around my neck. However, I could just be unlucky. All in all it's a pretty decent collar. You can check out their website at Eternity Collars.

I hate this photo.

Finally, the last collar I own comes from The Collar Factory who specialized in more of a leathery type of collar. Now for anyone who knows me they know I cannot stand leather collars. So don't let my hatred of leather sway your opinion! That being said this was the first collar given to me by Rayne before we had ever meet in person. So I guess it was kind of like.. a promise collar? It was $50.00. Now there are three things that I do like about this collar. 1.) It is absolutely affordable, if you think $50.00 is unreasonable you should really check out some of the custom collars made on etsy to gain some perspective of the going rates of quality collars. 2.) It is very easy to customize via their website. You can pick the type of buckle., What the collar says (Mine says Rayne) and the color of the threat lining. 3.) What I like most about it is it isn't leather on the inner side it is a nick pink plush that is very soft against my skin. The downside? Well it's leather for one..and I just have a weird hatred of leather. The ends do tend to somewhat tatter, and my dogs to destroy it in a heartbeat if I didn't keep it in a safe locked box. However I feel it is a good first collar, ...especially if you are on a budget. You can check their store out at The Collar Factory

Stay Awesome Folks! 

Women and Drama

       Okay now that I've had time to process everything and be as unemotionally involved as possible. Let me tell you some retarded shit that went down. Now I am not a big fan of women as friends. I know ...that's most women. It doesn't make me a unique snowflake. Blah Blah Blah but there are some serious reasons for me to be so against having female friends.

      Now one of these girls is actually my friend, ...the other one is Dan's. (Actually Scary Spice for those who read the last blog.) Anyway I was minding my own wonderful business and sitting in math class bored out of my mind and realizing I no long knew how to do long division and being out my mind when I posted a simple status on my Facebook which stated "If I somehow by the grace of God pass this math class with an A or a B someone better bake me a goddamn cake."  Well both girls out of the kindness of their little hearts said they would bake me a cake. Win win right? Well my friend, herein known as Miss Thang (Thanks Troll_Hunter) decided to get offended. She did not want Scary Spice (or anyone else for that matter.) baking a cake for me. She promptly popped into my messenger to tell me that Scary spice had no business offering to bake a cake for me because she knew I did not like her.

  So lets address that statement first. I really think considering Scary spice herself is under this impression that it needs to be addressed. I neither like, nor dislike Scary Spice. I am indifferent to her, and she isn't my cup of tea. I also find her to be one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met in my twenty five years on the earth so I attempt to distance myself from her. For example, she use to be pagan... but sometime last year "found Jesus" and promptly told anyone who was a pagan friend of hers that she could no longer hang out with them. In my book that is very Unchristian like, judgmental, and hypocritical. I also told her several years ago that I ran a few bondage websites (back when I did.) and her first response to it was "Ah, don't worry I won't tell anyone. " As if I was suppose to be ashamed of it for some reason. However, I do kind of agree with Dan that there is no actual malice behind the things she does and the things she says. I honestly just think she is extremely young minded and ignorant. I don't think the girl is a bad person. I think Eventually when she has to pay her own bills for a while, (her boyfriends parents pay them) and meets some other people she will eventually (and hopefully gain some out world experience) and no longer be pretentious.

Now then, Miss Thang went on a tangent about how Scary Spice didn't invite her to any of the events that she had, and how she wanted to be her friend and how she felt left out and that Scary Spice has times for other friends but not her.  (Keep in mind these are 20+ year old women) Now it is true Scary Spice will tell you that she has no time to hang out because she has children, ..and how she never leaves the house and how no one has come over in months. Yeah...that's bullshit. Absolute bullshit, but the thing I don't understand is why Ms. Thang cares so much?  Why do you want to be friends so bad with someone who is going to cast you aside for someone else every time she gets the chance? Fuck that.

I really really hope I meet some awesome and interesting people at the munch in September because I swear if I can't find a friend who has some emotionally stability that I can actually hang out with  without the extra dramas and insecurity then I am going to cocoon myself in my room and never speak to another living human being again.
  Please be awesome people K-Pet ;-;

Dealing with the Green Eyed Monster

   I am not a jealous person by nature. Growing up, I was not even sure why girls felt the need to get jealous. I was by all accounts indifferent to the emotion. Until I had a baby, and after that a whole new wave of emotions I had never experienced before and had no idea how to deal with swarmed me. Jealousy was among them.

     Tonight I was cleaning the house, nothing too major, just vacuuming, making sure dishes were in their proper spot and throwing away any trash or debree that might be lingering around in hopes that tidying up might help me clear my head space so that I could better concentrate on my school work.  When I got to the room that Dan and I share I came across some documents from almost a year ago. Turned out that they belonged to a certain green haired girl that I shall herein refer to as "Scary spice." Now I have known from the beginning of our relationship that Dan has had a thing for Scary spice, which is fine I have a thing for Andy Whitfield (google him.) but these little documents that Dan had left on our dresser were a reminder that he had paid her probation fees all last year while we together and also has been paying her phone bill for the past two years...18 months of which we were together.  Well, we got into it. It really really bothers me that he does this for her, and to be honest it's just her that this bothers me with. I don't like it in the least she has her own significant other, and I think it is highly inappropriate.

     Of course his response to how I feel is 1.) It's his money. 2.) It was a Christmas gift back in Christmas of 2012 and he is still obligated to pay for it. ...Honestly, who does that? So words between us were thrown back in forth with his argument being "that I always bring old things up." Mine being "It isn't something old if something that bothers me is continuing to happen. "  The other problem that I have with scary spice is she has several friends that would jump if she said how high, ... so why does she also get to have part of what belongs to me? I asked Dan if he thought it would be appropriate if Scary Spice's bf paid for my cell phone bill.  He said scary spice's bf would have a problem with it, because he's a deadbeat and doesn't pay for anything for himself. Ahh touche' you may think, but tell me why does Scary Spice's bad choice in men automatically mean that I have to share mine?

  With Rayne I was perfectly okay with being Poly, sure bring another girl in. I am all for it! However, with Dan I don't see it ever being possible. Seeing him give just a puzzle piece sized portion of himself, ...is too much. I don't even like knowing that they talk via text, but at the same time I don't want to try to hinder who he is "allowed" to hang out with.  I just feel him paying her probation , and her phone bill is crossing over common courtesy boundaries of a relationship. I also blame her for this because if the tables were turned, ... scary spice would become scary bitch. So I don't understand how she seems to be under the impression that this is appropriate either.

I don't know, on one hand I feel I am totally justified in being upset and on the other I feel that perhaps I am overreacting. The argument ended as per usual, with him continuing to pay her cell phone bill, and with me crying in the corner of the bed because something as simple as that, ...is like telling me "If it came down to it, I would choose her over you. " Thought he has made light of the situation by making jokes as " Why would I trade one crazy bitch for another?"
Oh gee I don't know Dan ..maybe cause you pursued her and I had to chase after you.  I digress. It also makes me feel like Scary Spice takes precedence over me.

Ahh well, at least I got some pretty good sex after the argument. 

Dominance and Submissiveness Are Traits!!! (A Rant)

      Okay before I begin Let's all commend my little brother on his blog post, and his wonderful way to lead by example of the standards that submissive males should hold themselves too if they want to become less of a stigma. Prove them wrong! Great writing tarken!

     Now then, I want you guys to get your pen's and pencils ready because I am going to be dropping some knowledge bombs on your ass! I was scrolling through my feed and saw a posting in the wonderful group "Return to Sender" Which is a great group , if you haven't seen it feel free to check it out in all of it's glory. Now, in this post a man was ranting at a woman who had politely told him that she was not interested in hooking up with him. The guy proceeded to berate her as not being a "true" submissive and if she was not interested in casual encounters and hook ups why was she on Fetlife to begin with? Please stand by while I continuously face palm for a moment.

Alright, let's first tackle the statement that this woman was not a "real submissive." I absolutely hate the notion that a woman/man has to be completely docile, "Yes Sir/ No Sir" , and bow down and kneel all the time, and kowtow to every dominant they come across. This is absolute bull crap. The whole notion of "the true submissive." is absolute bull crap. You know what a true submissive is? Anyone who is submissive.  I know, I know...let that sink in for a moment. Contrary to popular belief neither submissive nor dominance is a title, it is not a sex position, it is not an act of sex. It's a trait. Don't believe me? Let me get Webster on this shit!
Being dominant or submissive is not exclusive to the BDSM lifestyle! You can be submissive and never take a paddling, never call a dominant Sir, and never do a pretty elegant serve. Just like you can be dominant and never spank a submissive, never attend a much, and never wear leather pants with the ass cheeks cut out. (God forbid!)

 What people seem to fail to realize is that dominance and submission comes from pact mentality. Not from sex itself, not from the lifestyle.
That being said, do not think that I am not aware that dominance and submission can be sexualized. That my friends is after all where the sex comes into play. Being submissive, I am going to be more attracted to the man who can protect and provide for me that for the one who can't. Even I as a submissive actively seek out other traits in my dominant that I find to be inherently dominant. Ergo, I am going to want to squirt my submissive juices all over that. It's something more ingrained in nature than anything. Same goes for dominance. Also, I know there are classes where you can train to become dominant or submissive. Let me explain something else to you. You cannot learn to become dominant if you aren't dominant. You cannot learn to become submissive if you are not submissive. These are traits!!! Not sex roles. It really can't be stresses enough. What they are teaching you is what is considered lifestyle etiquette for those who identify as Dominants or submissive. Becoming dominant and submissive is a purely biological and nurturing factor. Some of it is based on genetics , but most of it is based on how you are raised and your experiences that effect you growing up. Yeah , get your mop and soak that up!

  Now onto the second part that bothered me, and I promise I will keep it short. "Why come to Fetlife when you don't want to hook up and have casual encounters?" Wow! Fucking really?! Being one of those people who comes to fetlife who has no desire in the least to find " play partners" let me go ahead and bow my head in silence for the stupidity that has been displayed here. I come to fetlife to meet like minded people. I am sure everyone here knows just how hard it is to have to hide that part of yourself from friends/family members/ co-workers. I am so glad that this site exist because I get to read and experience other people's opinions about the lifestyle. I get to share my thoughts and ideas and find out what people like, and dislike, I also get to perv beautiful pictures, and some not so great pictures that make you wanna run away screaming for your mommy. News flash ; shock factor is huge.  I want to be able to have friends I can talk with about dealing with my partner who are not going to judge me and say "call the police on him!" because he spanks me. That's why I am here, and is that after all not the American dream? I kid I kid.  So I am going to end my rant here, because even though I can go on and on and write a dissertation on this ... I think I made my point. Stay classy lifestylers. 

What I Want In A Dominant

I suppose before I start this blog post, an introduction is in order. I'm pea's younger brother, not a brother by blood, but close enough. Like her, I am a submissive. Like her, I am a college student. Unlike her, I have a penis. This complicates D/s related matters, as submissive men have a (deserved) negative reputation in the minds of most people. I'm no good at picking writing topics, so I asked pea for one, and here we are at what I would want in a dominant partner. This'll be a treat.

I've often thought of this topic, but never really thought how to best put it to words, so I suppose I'll just have to run down my criteria as they come to mind. I guess this will reflect how important they are to me. Let's start with a fairly simple thing, gender. I am sexually attracted to women more than men. This isn't to say this is a set-in-stone fact, but after thinking about it a bit, I came to the conclusion that I would more likely be more interested in a relationship with a woman.

From an easy topic to a more complex one, one that I will bluntly put for the sake of brevity. I will not submit to anyone less intelligent than myself. This likely comes off as arrogant, because it probably is, but it's the reality of the situation. When I told pea of this, she replied with a statement along the lines of "you'll be alone for the rest of your life", which is wonderful moral support. However, I'm not as smart as she thinks I am, nor am I as smart as I think I am.

What's more, I don't mean "intelligent" in the book-smart sense; quite frankly, I don't care if a partner knows what a quadratic equation is, much less how to solve it. I refer to the word in a more holistic sense. Perhaps the correct word to use would be is wisdom. It is, after all, a complex feeling I have on this matter. I just know that I probably would not submit to someone who doesn't fulfill this Daedalean need that I have in order to submit.

This segues in a way that doesn't segue into the topic of age. This was something else I put a great deal of thought into, and the result was surprisingly narrow minded by me. After thinking on it, I'd much rather be in a relationship with someone around about the same age as myself (23), give or take a few years. I thought this to be somewhat vein, and it is; age should make no difference. But it does. Not in any sexual sense at least, but in terms of relating to a person, I'd much sooner make an emotional connection with someone who grew up with the same things as myself, in the same cultural age as myself.

Does this mean it is impossible for me to ever get into a relationship with someone my elder by a decade or more? Not at all. But I suspect that I would find it easier the closer the person's age is to my own.

Now comes the physical part, in that while pea cares more of matters sensual and psychological, I care more about the physical aspect (which isn't to say that I don't care about other things; just that I also care about bondage and fetishes and stuff.). To be blunt once more, I am horribly perverted person. This would likely be a fairly major sticking point to someone who isn't much into physical stuff as I am, and would likely tank a relationship with such a person.


As for other physical stuff, I have thought about it, and I've discovered that I'm not as nit-picky as I thought I was. At the end of the day, while I do have certain racial preferences, a person I am attracted to (mentally or physically; ideally both) is a person I am attracted to, be they Asian, Caucasian, Latino/a, or Black. In terms of other physical attributes, I've found that I'm not picky. This isn't to say that I do not have things that I find sexy, in either gender, but that's another blog topic for another day.

Oh, that said, I like taller people or shorter people. Not so much people around my average height. It's one of those things that I'm just weird about.

I think that should be enough for a first blog post, so I'll just leave it here for now. Thanks for taking the time to let me exhibit my vain thoughts.

Shooting on the Hiwasee

       Yes I know I am late, and that I didn't post anything yesterday. Bad pea! Bad! Anyway, the reason I posted nothing yesterday  is because I only got about 2 hours of sleep and then ended up doing a photo shoot on the Hiwassee River. It was absolutely wonderful and I had a great time! A good portion of the shoot was spent with me trying to figure out how to maunevur into positions around the rocks. For those of you who don't know, river rocks are extra slick. So much so that they feel slimy. It was gorgeous out there though. Perfect weather conditions the sun was shining through the trees and the water was perfect temperature. I even ended up doing some semi- naked shots there which went much better than I expected it to. Both of the photographers were great to work with as well , so it wasn't like I was out there working with people who have no sense of humor and a stoic attitude. I know one of them pretty well and he's cool peoples. The other photographer is actually here on Fetlife, you guys can find him HERE. He is awesome sauce as well, and very professional! So check him out and some of his work!
Here is teaser from both photographers.

Don't I just look so happy to be doing this? 

   Today I went to orientation...again. The guy doing this class is a bit more reasonable. His orientation was only 30 minutes long, and although I can tell the class "Occupational Safety" is going to be the boring Goddamn class ever ..he at least seemed to have a level head about it. Also, thank goodness it's online. I will probably start working on my class assignments as soon as I finish this post and my 30 Days of kink challenge because you know, ...commitment. I think this is going to be a good semester for me, even though I have boring classes..and a foreign language known as "Math."  It's all good though since I don't really have the option to fail, I would loose my scholarships. Failure is not an option!!!

Oh, Also today I also tried something new , dangerous, and incredibly stupid. I tried to sing! For those of you who are Fetlife you can view the video (and pics) on my blog.  So , tell me what you think. The song is called "I've been" and it is actually by Anna Akana who is a great you tube personality, and a great aspiring actress who has done wonderfully on all the projects I have seen of hers. So in her words. "Stay Awesome Gotham!"

Check out my sucky singing Here

School is starting!!

     Fall semester at my college starts on Monday and I am super excited and super nervous. This will be my 4th semester and by this time next year I will be graduating! Hooray! The reason why I am nervous is for a few of reasons. 1.) I will be doing 12 credits which is normal...but I will be taking 6 classes. For someone who works and everything this is a heavy course load. The other reason is 2.) I will be taking keyboarding again for the third semester ..I usually end up dropping it. Now I know what you are thinking "Pea, that is like the easiest class ever!"  I know and it should be, but the professor who teaches it does everything in her power to make it as complicated as possible, and since it's  web class I think she tried extra hard. 3.) Finally, because this semester I have decided to start working on my math courses and for anyone who knows me, they know I absolutely hate math, and I absolutely suck at it. Seriously if it is not basic addition, subtraction, and multiplication chances are I don't know how to do it, and you can show me it, and I might even learn it but I will forget it. I remember doing a bunch of math when I started studying for my GED and the ASVAB and learning how to add, and multiply fractions and decimals and all that jazz. Which was great..because I passed the ASVAB with a 61 and I clearly passed my GED test, but I could not tell you how to do any of that now because  I did both of those in 2012, and haven't really used that type of math since. Word to the wise no matter how much they tell you that you are going to need to know the square root of pi in math class, it's a lie!!!  

     I attended her orientation for class this morning and I tell you, usually an orientation for school is anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Her's was 2 hours, if that gives you any indication. It was nice however to be back at school. I will actually be attending classes back on campus for the first time since my first semester there. So who knows maybe I will meet new people there and we will be best friends foreverest. I don't know , I am not really good at initiating or following conversations with people. I have just kind of a sit in the back of the classroom and try not to make any noise type of personality, which is weird because I was super outgoing and popular in high school. Anyway the good news about school is that if everything goes according to plan and I don't slack off and get lazy I can finish with two of my classes within about a months time and have more time to focus on my math classes, which I absolutely suck at :) Awesome sauce. 

    Dan and I also need to figure our our car arrangement schedule. We actually have 3 cars. I own a Voltswagon, and he owns a Saab that I gave him, and a Suzuki Samurai. Apparently he doesn't know whats wrong with the Saab , and the Samurai needs a new starter, and new tires. So of course he drives my car which is problematic with me returning to school and his work schedule , because when he is at work I need to be heading to the school.I would have taken online classes for the math courses if they offered it but 1.) they don't and 2.) I suck so bad at math I really need a hands on environment to begin with.  Hopefully when I get paid next month I can do something about the starter, and since he is getting oodles of overtime on this upcoming paycheck he might be able to do something about the tires. Team work people.  

I have another orientation today at 5:30 and we are trying to figure out the logistics for that now, looks like I will probably be getting dropped off uber early but I have my fingers crossed that it will be another class that I can blow right through. That means I will have  only have 3 classes that are going to be a bitch and a half this semester. Hopefully this will be my second semester on Dean's list. I am damn sure gonna strive for it. Stay awesome folks! 

30 Days of Kink: Day 4

**Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?**

  Yes, unfortunately. Because I am so strongly drawn to control and micro management, I am pretty sure that much of my kink has to do with how rigid and strict my childhood was. A generally accepted theory in psychology is if something in childhood/adolescence traumatized a person.. they will find a way to sexualize it. We can see this with spanking fetish, consensual non consent, and other things prevalent in BDSM.  It doesn't necessarily even have to have happened to that person. Just the idea of it happening can cause a person to sexualize it into a fetish in that persons psyche.

That being said, I don't really see it as an issue, I like what I like. I wrote a while back about how it was possible that I was using the lifestyle as a means of role play therapy to work through real life situations that I had experienced as a kid. I.E. Being micro managed, ...but without the extensive physical abuse. I think if that's true I have certainty found a safe and therapeutic way to do it.

30 Days of Kink: Day 3

**How Did You Discover That You Were Kinky?**

You know I really thought I was going to be a dominant. The fetish pictures of dominatrix really just appealed to me, and I honestly don't think I would be submissive had it not been for my upbringing , but I guess when I was in my teenage years, ...I started puzzing around the internet for something to satisfy my curiosity about BDSM. Sex and things of that nature was not really something we were "protected" from in my family, so I always knew what sex was, what it was for, and some of the different aspects of sex.

I did find a couple of sites. One I recall in particular was "The Collar Purple" who that I found really interesting, and absolutely loved the art work on. The Other was The Spanking Blog, ..which is amazingly still around.  I am sure there were others but those really stood out to me the most. I didn't realize I was submissive until someone asked me to be dominant, and honestly it really just doesn't work for me, how ever authoritative I might be, I don't have a dominant bone in my body. 

Dealing with being told "No"

Now, this post might make me come off as a bit of a brat or being spoiled, but bare with me for a few.  Have you ever wanted something so bad that your little heart sinks into your chest every time you are reminded that you can't have it and all you want it to bitch whine and cry until you get it? I guess this is kind of like that. I am ready to have my second child, have been for a while now..but Dan isn't. Which I can understand, he feels he is not in a position to be able to support a child, he feels that we should spend more time together as a couple before having a child, and he feels that he should be able to provide for the child without my help in case God forbid something happens to me.  (Which I am assuming comes from the fact he lost his own mother when he was 13, and it took a toll on not only his father's financial situation but also on his father's over all mental state. They were married for at least 13 years. )

In most of these situations I agree with him, we have not been together long. Only 17 months. I have just finished a divorce earlier this year, I already have a child with my ex-husband, and he's right he is not financially stable, but none of that makes it hurt any less. I am continuing to work hard towards security and financial stability by doing to school, working, and planning for our future, but its really not fair that I have to watch my friends (some who seem like they don't even want their kids) raise their kids, I have to see families who have no business having children get to have their children.  I guess patience just really isn't my virtue, and I don't know maybe it is just my hormones fucking with me, but it does hurt bad enough to leave me teary eyed and upset for days on end.

But unfortunately the reality is I really just have to suck it up and work harder to get to where we need to be for him to be comfortable with us having a child together.  He did make me a promise that he would began to attend college at a near by state college which should help him get on the right track of becoming financial secure, it's by no means what I want, but it is a step in the right direction. 

Denying Our submission

 So as some of you may or may not know I was in a relationship in the 2011-2012 year that was a lifestyle relationship, and when it ended I was completely heartbroken. I stopped writing, I stopped coming around Fetlife, I stopped interacting with many of my kinky friends that I had build relationships with and I for all purposes attempted to live a life outside of the lifestyle which I will tell you now is not impossible, ...but it's also not ideal, or easy. 

I tried to keep the submissive part of me hidden deep inside myself. Which you would think wouldn't be hard, especially since my personality comes off as authoritative, and abrasive. Some of my tenants have even gone so far to tell me I am a dictator. (Which isn't true, ...this just isn't a democracy.) Everything right down to my facial features screams "Not submissive" but then.... I seek out dominant traits in my partners on a subconscious level. I find my self usually turned off by a man who is bursting with submissive features. 

I make scenarios happen in my day to day life in which I can act in a submissive way. 

Many of the movies I watch have a submissive/dominant undertone to them or a just out right and blunt Master/ slave relationship in them. I think perhaps because it is just something that I can relate to.  Not to mention as far as what I am attracted to sexually ..just isn't in any sense of the word "Vanilla".  Hell, there use to be a time I could not lubricate without getting smacked around a few times first. 

 Rayskajira asked me the other day why I had been torturing myself so long to live in a vanilla relationship so much and I guess the answer didn't come to me until now but... I feel that perhaps it was because I didn't want to put myself in the some position I was with Rayne, having put her so high on a pedastool, I guess it was a shock to my system when she fell from it. Don't get me wrong there was many great things I learned from Rayne that I am grateful for. Most of all that she gave me the drive to get up and do what is necessary for me to make it in this world, and two years after the relationship has ended, I have gotten my GED, I go to college, I'm a member of the honor society, and by the grace of God I am almost finished with my degree. I am grateful for that, but at the same time I also outgrew what Rayne was there teach me, and now she has her own journey to work through , and do some learning herself before she will be able to teach another person. 

I think going into this relationship I have now, I have a more mature outlook on things. I have a better understanding of who I am as a person. I know with Rayne I was 21 and that's not much younger than I am now with Dan at 25, but oh, if you understood what a difference a year can make. Now don't get me wrong I still have some of the same issues I did 2-3 years ago as far as security blankets and needing to be reassured that I am loved, but it isn't cripplingly so like it use to be. I am definitely more in tune with myself, I know exactly what I want , who I am , and what I won't put up with. Whereas with Rayne there was somethings I would do for the sake of "submission." Where as at this point I'm more likely to say "Nope Nope Nope, piss off dude! " If you can't respect limits, our conversation ends now, and I think that's healthy. It takes so much to give someone all of who you are...that asking for anymore than that, just seems selfish. 

I don't think I will ever be able to ignore the fact that submission is deeply grained inside of me, as cliche` as that sounds it really is. I have always submitted, in my relationships, in my childhood, and sometimes even  I can see how it can be viewed as a weakness. Women are no longer expected to be the submissive housewife types , now they are expected to be fierce and feminist, and warrior women, but I think being true to who you are takes a great amount of courage in it's own right.  I think me coming back into the lifestyle and loving someone again after being consecutively heartbroken takes a leap of faith, and huge amount of willpower, but I know it would be a great deal more painful to continue to deny that part of who I am.  In one of my favorite songs. "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack a line goes "Loving might be a mistake, but its worth making. " because if I was afraid to get back on that horse I wouldn't have meet my current partner who believe me surpassed my ex husband, and Rayne both by bounds.  Anyway, I am rambling at this point so I am gonna go ahead and end it here. Stay classy Fetlife. 

30 Days of Kink : Day 2

**List Your Kinks**

 Now I am not a particularly kinky girl. You won't find me first in line to get tied up, branded, or have my nipples clamped. It just doesn't do it it for me.
I do however have a few quirks here and there that I guess could be considered kinky.

I love love love collars. Especially when done right. Don't bring me home a petco Velcro collar and expect me to be impressed. I have dished out some serious dough on the likes of Ring of Steel and Eternity Collars. I love steel, I really really do not like the idea of leather collars.

I love leashes, I am a bit less picky about these however, and don't really spend as much time and effort exploring them as I would a collar.

Control. I enjoy..to a certain extent micro management. Pick out my clothes, tell me what I am going to be doing today, but don't confuse it with NEEDING to be micro managed, I am perfectly capable of being responsible all on my own.

Dominant men. Dominant Men are my fetish someone who can keep me from emasculating them but at the same time knows that being dominant, doesn't mean they have to be an asshole. Someone who understands they don't need fancy toys, or knot tying skills to be dominant. Someone who understands that dominance is a trait, not a title. 

30 Days of Kink : Day 1

 I am re-doing my 30 days of kink for 3 reasons. 1) I deleted all my 30 days of kink when I deleted my Journals off Fetlife. 2.) I am not the same person I was when I wrote them three years ago, I am older wiser and much more in tune with myself. 3) I think some reevaluation in the lifestyle if needed, at least for my own peace of mind.

I will also be dedication this challenge to Lady_Savannah who originally wanted me to do this challenge three years ago and who has since unfortunately passed away. May she rest in peace. So without further adieu....

30 Days of Kink:

• Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I identify as submissive. I have been called both slave and submissive. However I don't really feel the term slave accurately identifies me. It's not that I feel any less devoted in my submission I just genuinely do not like the term

   For me I am most interested in D/s purely domination and submission. I like having a top be in charge, I like a top taking accountability for me, and making me take accountability for myself it just works that way. I enjoy control and discipline. If a guy can pick my outfits out for me...awesome sauce. If he is able to give me rules and guidelines without making me giggle snort my ass off even better.

     What I have discovered is the most difficult thing for me is finding a top who can be dominant without being an asshole. I know..it seems like a fine line people. I'm not into humiliation if you like being called "slut cunt whore cum bucket princess" more power to you, it's just not my thing. I don't like being tied up...I tried it once a long time ago, ...gag and all.. it was more awkward than anything... but I might like to have my ass smacked a few times.  Shhh don't tell anyone though.

Do we use our dominants as a crutch?

   So the other day I was going through Fetlife as I have been accustomed to doing as of late and read a interesting question in one of the groups I am apart of. I couldn't tell you the question verbatim because I am just not fortunate enough to be blessed with a photographic memory like that but it was somewhere in the lines of  "Do we use dominants as a means to not take accountability for ourselves" Well, I am going to answer this question on two different sides because for me it is a strange yes...and no. Let me attempt to explain.

   I don't technically need Dan checking up on me 24/7 I don't technically need him to make sure I do my homework. I don't need him to make sure I payed the bills that I am responsible for. I don't need him micro managing me. I am fully capable of doing all this myself. However, if he did and there was consequences for not doing these things. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I have been running around here playing adult for the past 10 years and it never gets any easier to be responsible for yourself. There are in a sense consequences if I fail to do what I am suppose to do. If I don't pay the gas... the gas gets turned off. If I fail to do my homework, my grades drop and I loose my scholarships. So yes there is some accountability for these things.

  However sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Let me give you comeback ground into why I think it might be as well as my Dynamic with Dan. I was raised in a really strict rigid household were I was responsible for everything, cooking, cleaning, keeping the house clean, laundry, and going to school. I was made to wake up at 4:00am and work my little tail off before anyone else in the house even thought about waking up. Dan is somewhat of a welcome change hes laid back, calm and collected, and pretty much within reason lets me do whatever the hell I want. It's hard for me to come to him and say "I need boundaries, ...I need you to enforce these boundaries. Does that seem like a bit of a parent/ child relationship. ...Yes, unfortunately. Do I absolutely have to have it? No, probably not, I could probably do it all on my own as I do now. However, the house would probably be much cleaner. My attitude would probably be much better. (Trust me I have a bad one.) and He would probably be much happier.

I think for me it would be ideal to be somewhat micromanaged. I think my family did it in such a way that was abusive that instead of becoming more responsible like I am assuming they wanted me to , they instead made me regress into needed boundaries, limits, and consequences. In fact I believe this is where most of my interest in the lifestyle comes from and probably the reason I am not into other things such as nipple clamps, and bondage. Just strictly the D/s side of things. So yes, in that way I kind of can use a Dom as a crutch in the way that I need someone else to make me take accountability for things. I know that perfection is not attainable but that does not make it any less something that I want to strive for. I think I can always be a better me.