Nice

I'm a bad person.

I'm a sinner and I'll probably sin again.

I'm deceitful, I'm petty, I'm vengeful, I'm manipulative, I'm cruel, I'm cold.

These are the lies I tell myself. I want to be these things, I want to be be them so bad. But, I'm not. It might be pretentious to call oneself "good", but the reality is that while I am sometimes those things, I am oftentimes not. At the end of the day, I'm a nice person.

I fucking hate that.

Maybe it was my upbringing, but growing up, the view that was imparted upon me was one of "if you're not using people, you're wasting a valuable resource". It is a skill-set I have, as I often say, I am my mother's child after all. I can use people, I have used people, I hate using people, I love using people. The lines between sociopathy and schizophrenia can get blurred like that.

But the overwhelming majority of the time I refrain from using these skills. I pass most opportunities to exploit those weaknesses I see so easily. I often go out of my way to help people solely for the sake of helping them.

The cynic's canon of "nice guys finish last" is canonical because it's mostly true. There are exceptions to that rule, but it generally stands; I've been sacrificing my career for the sake of my morale.

Look, there's no value in being some sort of Cruella de Vil overt cackling villain, that will set you up for failure and a lonely death. Part of the game, and yes life is a game, prove me wrong if you wish, is advancing yourself atop of the work of others without them knowing. Them knowing leads to little annoying things such as spite and revenge, and is counter-productive.

I know the moves to accomplish this, and I've seen them done by someone my better at it, but I still often tend to not do it. I like seeing people being happy, making people happy makes me happy.

Happiness is overrated in the free-market economy, and it can be mostly replaced with money, despite whatever philosophy you may want to quote.

That's what gets me most, that I'm costing myself money in exchange of being happy. I'm an American, this is blasphemy against my religion of Capitalism. But I'll still likely do it, I'll still likely hate it, I'll still likely love it.

I'll still regrettably be nice.

What It's Like to Fall from Grace

       You know that feeling you get deep down in your stomach, when the look in his eyes lets you know that you have stepped out of line? That stomach clinching feeling when you immediately regret the words that just came out of your mouth because they were filled with venom? I have recently been there, just a couple of days ago in fact when I got into a heated argument with Dan.  I cussed, and yelled, and screamed and through an absolute tantrum, accused him of doing things he probably wasn't doing, and even if he was there was probably no intentional malice behind it. I just am not able to handle my emotions very well. If I perceive any thoughts of abandonment, I immediately lash out. Well, a new girl has come into our lives. I guess new for me, not new for Dan. I realized the first time when Dan had her over that he had an attraction to her, and I was perfectly okay with this...until a few days later when I realized she was making him smile, ...where I wasn't. She was relieving his stress, ..where I wasn't. He was spending more time with her, than he seemed to be with me, even though it was in an effort to help the girl. That green eyed monster I try so hard to keep bottled in immediately released itself from its cage and took over. Instead of explaining to him why I was upset, ...I lashed out. "You're always doing this! You're always doing that!" It got ugly, and fast.

    After the initial argument, I left to tell my teacher I wouldn't be attending class that day, and to turn in my home work. I then went to Walmart to send my brother some money. When I returned home I went into my room and laid on my bed, and pouted, and cried, and threw my own internal tantrum. After about three hours of Dan letting me fume in the bedroom, he finally came in and tried to talk to me.  He explained to me the things I brought up weren't really valid, that he wasn't attempting to do anything malicious towards me, and how he thought I had gotten over this hatred of him leaving me just to go out and do things that he needed to get done. None of it really mattered though, since none of this is why I was actually upset. He then left me alone to finish homework and stew in my depressed stupor. The next few days however if when the real hell began..

    Every time he talked to me, If I was lucky enough to have him talk to me..there was a hiss in his voice that I assure you stung more than any lash every could. For the most part he left me alone to carry out my day, I went to photo shoots, I went to school, I went grocery shopping by myself. When he hugged me to leave for these things..the warmth just didn't feel like it was there anymore. He continued to see the girl, and continued to help her, but I suppose the jealousy monster was more content to stay inside me and sulk this time. He didn't go out of his way to give me any attention this week. He would hold me when we slept but he wouldn't really speak to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't really make him smile. I couldn't really make him want to be around me. The weird part is, I was perfectly understandable of this. Who wants to be around someone who is difficult like that? Who wants to be around someone who flips out at every little imagined scenario of abandonment.

 We haven't talked about the argument since the time after it happened, and maybe that's a mistake. I just don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I am sure that his indifference to me is probably imagined. Mostly, I have spent the past couple of days trying to find a way to draw him to pay some attention to me, ..go to the gym?  Cut my hair and change the color? ... Dress super pretty and primpy? Detail clean the house? Cook him dinner?  I wish I knew how to tell him... "I just want to feel like you love me. I want to be the center of your world like you are mine."  Is that terribly unreasonable? I am sure he does love me. Several people over the past few days have told me that, ...I guess they can tell I am in a bad head space right now. I guess they can tell it has to do with Dan.

 I am sure we will be fine. Right now I am just in a bad place, ....and perhaps it is well deserved for allowing my emotions to cloud my better judgement. Perhaps it is my own minds perpetual self punishment. I just wish it would end, and we can get back to how we felt just mere days ago.  I don't want to be the reason he regrets coming home in the evening, I don't want to be the reason he spends extra time at work. I want to be the one to make him smile, I want to be the one that makes his life just a little less stressful, I want to be the one that makes his home life warm.

Prelude to My Next Blog

Hi. It's the one of the two of us who posts here who has a penis. Just writing a little blurb to, I don't know, warn that my next blog post that I'm writing, and that might be dual-posted on my own personal non-lifestyle blog, will have nothing directly related to SM, D/s, etc. Bluntly, I don't care, I just want to write it. If you don't hear anything from me after that, assume pea has killed me for tangential blog posts.

Personal Responsibility and Accountability.

     I don't know if it is the water in the town that I live in, or just that I was raised in a different way but the young adults (by young adults I mean ranging from the ages of 19-27) seem to have seriously forfeited the entire concept of accountability. Everyone I know is under the impression that everyone should be sympathetic to the fact that their life might not have gone completely the way that they wanted it to. That they have to do things that they don't necessarily want to do. I will give three examples of people I know that fall into this category.


  The first one is one of my tenants, who more than anyone else I give a wee bit of empathy to because I can completely understand the effects having a broken home and a life without structure and consistency. However, even in situations like this there comes a time when personal accountability comes over, and since he is now 23, that time is well upon him. He is quick to complain how hard it is to pay all of his bills, how tired he is from having to work, how even through he works overtime he cannot afford to purchase all the things that his little heart desires. Here is where my sympathy for him ends. I know...the ideal thing is that we all have loving parents who allow us to live with them forever, and who allow us to stay in the nest until we are ready to move out. Those mama birds who tell their babies to fly or die are just pure evil! The thing is he doesn't realize that even now, he is catching a break. He pays $300 a month utilities included for his room and board. I very often have to explain to him that when he leaves my house, not only will he have to pay rent, he will also have to pay for his power bill, and his water bill, as well as his gas and food, and any extra thing he might need or want. I am pretty sure that everyone wishes they didn't have to wake up every day and go to work, I am sure there are plenty who wish they didn't have to spend the majority of the money they earn on bills, but that's just the way society is. If you want something you have to pay for it. The issue I have with him is that he will throw pity parties as if he is the only one who has to deal with these things on a daily basis.

 The next person is actually an acquaintance of mine, how long we will remain friends really depends on how long my own person wick of patience is, but I can tell you now its growing thin. She is older than me by a year and grew up in a fairly supportive and loving home. Unfortunately however, her mother passed away last year. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's unfortunate. However, the honest truth about it? Your mourning period really is limited. If your mother dies, your child dies, a friend dies. You do get time away from work, you do get time away from school to deal with the death proceedings, funerals, preparations. However it usually does not extend more than a week. This girl that I have previously in other blog post referred to as "little miss thing" will tell you how hard she is trying to get a job, she will tell you and post all over Facebook, how she is a hard worker and no one will give her a chance. However, since I have had her over at my house on several occasions in order to clean, I can give you my own critque on whether ot not she is a hard worker. The payment for her cleaning my downstairs basement apartment (I generally don't have her clean upstairs in the main house for fear I might loose my temper with her.) is usually $115.00 the price of her phone bill. Keep in mind for that amount I can afford to hire a professional house keeper. When I am paying someone that kind of money, I expect that they won't spend the entire time on their phone, nor do I expect I will have to explain they need to clean the mirrors, scrub the bathtub, polish the wood. I expect them to not try to ruin my vacuum cleaner by attempting to vacuum up pieces of trash that are way too big for it. Never the less that is exactly what she does, and I really feel it is because of her work ethic and lack thereof that she is not able to maintain a job.

    Now little miss thing will manipulate her friends through guilt to help to pay her bills, and honestly the last time I helped her (which was yesterday) will probably be the last time. Does it suck she doesn't have a job? Yes. Does it suck that she can't afford to pay her bills? Yes. Is it my problem? No Should I feel obligated to help her because we are friends? No. Honestly, I am doing her no favors by continuing to pay her phone bill despite her lazy and sub par work, all I am doing is allowing her to remain dependent, and not have an understanding that it is her attitude and over all work ethic that it is keeping in her current situation (not a spell of bad luck.) Yet and still because we are friends she is under the illusion that it is my responsibility to help her. It's not, I am under no obligation to do so. That is not how friendship works. If I want to help her it should be strictly because I want to, not because she expects it of me.

  Another instance of not taking personal responsibility comes from of course ours truly once again...little miss thing. A couple of days ago there was a situation where little miss thing and a mutual friend of ours was in an intoxicated altercation. The way little miss thing explained it was that he just out of nowhere, began attacking her and slamming her unprovoked. ...Now here is the issue I have with this. It is extremely rare for an attack of assault to happen unprovoked. Note that unprovoked is not equivalent to unwarranted. There is almost always a reason it happened. Was it because you burned dinner?  Is it because you called him a homo? These things are unwarranted, not unprovoked. If you tell me you did absolutely nothing, it becomes very clear to me you are hiding something. Well it finally came out through several of her own friends that she has actually physically attacked the man and scratched up his face before he pushed her off of him (albeit a little too hard). He did not openly get up and pound her face in for the attack, in my view he had every right to defend himself.  She refuses to accept the responsibility that she provoked him the altercation and goes so far to say "If he had attacked one of my friends I wouldn't be friends with him anymore, and my word should be good enough for everyone to believe me." Two issues I have with that statement. 1.) Bitch, he didn't hit me. I can associate with whoever I want.  2.)Saying your word is good enough is like saying the police should not take the account of any one else into consideration and should jail the man for battery without trial. ...Welcome to America sweetheart. Dan and I both agree whole heartily that a man should not strike a woman, ...but if  a woman wants to step into the "role of a man" for lack of better terminology and hits and berates a man, he has every right to defend himself by restraining her, and pushing her off of him.  She has been going around saying he hit her, she did nothing wrong, and refuses to take responsibility for any of her wrong doings. Sorry hunny, equal rights don't dissolve themselves just because they become inconvenient for you to play the victim. I digress on this one.

 The next example is the poster child of refusing to take personal accountability in relationships.  I commonly refer to her as scary spice. Scary spice did a real no no in my book a couple of days ago. She posted that  she would never find a person in the world with the same moral standards and good heart as her. Basically, she said no one in the world was a good person, or had morals that could be on par with hers. I am sorry, I just cannot begin to understand that level of self absorption. However putting the idiotic vanity aside, ..lets go into the reason she posted this. Apparently she has an issue with the fact that her boyfriend likes to watch porn. She feels like its disrespectful to her because it makes her feel inadequate being compared to "airbrushed fakes" What the all hell? Okay first off, if you know that the girls in porn are fake, airbrushed, and purposely unrealistic? Then why are you getting offended? You understand that no one looks like that right?? Secondly, if a person does something continuously that you don't like, and despite you telling them it offends hurts you and they continue to do it. Why is that person still in your life? They obviously don't care how you feel. They obviously have no desire what so ever to change in any way shape or form. So is it his fault you're offended by tits? No. Is it his fault you continue to by staying with him condone the behavior you find despicable? No. Is your moral standard the basis on which everyone should be judged because you're a over bearing prude? No. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don't like the way you look. Change it. If you feel like you are inadequate it is your own responsibility to either seek out the therapy or the self love you need. Why are you even in a relationship if you can't grasp the concept of loving yourself?  You want to complain about your lover and his blatant disregard for your feelings but no one is forcing you into a relationship with this person. I get the whole concept of trying to fix something but if your relationship can't stand up to something as trivial as air brushing...then you need to re-evaluate somethings.
 

               Finally, I am going to share my own personal story of where I should have accepted responsibility and didn't. Yesterday. I don't necessarily get easily offended but I have a very unreasonable fear of abandonment. Yesterday, Dan got home 4 minutes before I had to leave for school which caused us to get into an argument. Of course being hurt and offended because I felt like he didn't want to be around me, he didn't want to spend time with me, I blew up about a situation that wasn't actually the problem. I fussed about how he always had my car, I fussed about how he always did this on days I had to go to school. Where as the actual truth was, I was just upset we didn't really get to do anything on the days that he was off. I wanted to go to the zoo, it didn't happen. I wanted to go to the aquarium it didn't happen. Hell, today I just wanted him to acknowledge that I existed and it feels like that didn't really happen either. Do I think he is purposely trying to make me feel unloved and unwanted? No, not at all. Instead of speaking to him about how I feel I decided to angry and lash out at him instead and now he thinks the issues that I have with him is something completely different than what I am actually upset about, and I will have to accept the consequence that he won't actually know what is bothering me until I tell him. I have to deal with the fact that he is (obviously) upset towards me. Shit sucks... but its a part of taking accountability for my mistakes.  Stay classy readers.


For the TL;DR crowd: people suck, relationships suck, pea sucks. Horray!

Worth

Very short post, as I just want to word-ify some thoughts I have.

Sometimes the easy way out is the best solution. Sometimes giving into your carnal instincts is the right choice. Sometimes action is better than caution.

Sometimes is not always.

As a submissive man, there is a lot of...scum in my peers, which breeds scum in the dominant side of this community. I have no real experience with male doms of male subs, so I can't really speak to that, so I'll speak only to the female side of the equation.

I want to get this out of the way right now, I have no qualms against "pro dommes", those who make the sexual side of S/m a profession. That is fine, that is free-market capitalism; providing a desired service for payment in a generally regulated environment.

No, the ire I have is mostly directed at "pay-dommes", modestly-to-very attractive women who say you have a small penis then demand large sums of money to continue to call your penis small. Those who think verbal abuse is domination and the fools that think that humiliation is submission.

(on the pro domme thing again, there are plenty of people who pay for that kind of stupid humiliation stuff; if it gets them off, it gets them off, but they're at least doing it in a regulated, business-like manner, and paying a reasonable amount of money rather than "lol gimmie ur paycheck, loser")

Now is the time where I admit I have impulses, most days if not every day. This is the said easy way out. To just find some college student with the foresight to use the vulnerability of others to their advantage and live with the abuse. Or worse yet, fall in with some foolish Cybellean, or other gender/race supremacist and live a lie of having an inferiority complex.

I fight those impulses, for I know my life is worth more than that. That I am more than that. I must fight those impulses, because this life isn't worth wasting. I will fight these impulses, because the alternative is surrender.

I am not worthless, despite what I might say. My life is not worthless, despite what I might think. No life is worthless, despite what I might believe. For this reason, I must fight, as there is few things worth fighting for more than myself.

Consensual Slavery Vs. Actual Slavery

Naevia from Spartacus

I wrote about this topic once already back in 2011, Many people did not find it favorable and you know what? Many people are not going to like it now.  However, it is a topic that desperately needs to be addressed. I can hear it now. "Pea how can you comment on being a slave when you identify as a sub."  Well little chick-a-pea, I have been in the lifestyle since I was 18, I am now 25. I have plenty enough time to venture down that road of consensual bondage.

I have heard it said several times in the community that slaves differ in a D/s relationship from a submissive because slaves do not have rights, and or limits. I know that the following statement has been beaten to death with a mallet and hanged on the archway of every D/s bloggers door way but I will say it again and even use my italics to add emphasis for you. " Everyone  has limits." No you're not the exception, no you're not more devoted because you are willing to stick more in your ass. Even you, yes you my dead have limits. You really have to understand the horrors of actual non consensual slavery to understand this. In actual slavery, your children can be sold away, your daughters can be used for sexual pleasure, your sons can be put to death if you live in a country (or time period) that supported enslavement. If these things don't fall into your list of limits or things you wouldn't consent to, they honey... you need to sit down , put on a pot of coffee, take some time to reevaluate your like, and seek therapy.  

   The fact of the matter is, in consensual slavery you very well do have rights. You can deny them, you can refuse to use them, but I guarantee there is that one thing that will eventually come up that will finally make you use a safe word and scream "bandannas!" There are things you are not willing to do, and that is perfectly acceptable. "Look pea, I know I am a slave! and I know that slaves have no rights! I even let my Master stick a dildo in my ass, and press a bullet to my clit. Now that's dedication!" Here's the thing sweet tart. Yes, in consensual slavery you may often submit to things you don't necessarily want to do.  Submissives in relationships also do things they don't necessarily want to do. As a child, I did things I didn't want to do when I obeyed my parents. As a student I do things I don't want to do for my teachers. As a worker , I do things for my boss I don't want to do. I digress. I can however, at any time decide to change employment, I can at any time decide to longer attend that school. Same as a person in consensual slavery can at anytime and has every right to terminate their relationship with the person who they call Master. 

Now I can understand wanting your dynamic to get as close to the real thing as possible, that's a common want of many people in the lifestyle. I completely understand it especially with shows like Spartacus and Sally Hemmings: An American Scandal romanticizing slavery. Here's the truth, yes it happened slaves sometimes fell in love with their owners. Whether or not it was actually love, or some generally all around fucked up case of Stockholm syndrome is up to a psychologist. Still, mental illnesses aside falling in love with your owner was generally pretty rare. It wasn't a case of submission... it was a case of survival. Many slaves actually poisoned, rebelled, and killed their owners.  Actual slavery was nothing like consensual slavery. 

 I can not tell you how many times I have had a slave tell me. "I'm not a submissive pea, I am a slave." I am usually content to just sit there and nod and smile while I internally facepalm myself , but this time I will explain why. All slaves are submissive but all submissive aren't slaves. The act of you obeying your Master/dominant/Daddy/Mistress, whatever is relevant to you is called submission. The very art of being the bottom of any relationship is submission. In a D/s relationship, you agree to give up complete control over your relationship, or even equal control over your relationship. The portion of what you get to control differs in every dynamic, but at the end of the day the act of you submitting to a power exchange is submission. 

"So pea are you telling me you have a problem with people identifying as slaves?"  Not at all, I can understand the concept behind it, hell I can even see the beauty in it. I do however have a problem when I have to listen to slaves come and explain to me how they are "true" slaves because they don't have limits or rights in their dynamic. I have an issue with people thinking that the refusal to invoke a right, is the same thing as being forfeit of them.  If you identify as being a slave that is perfect acceptable and awesome, and no one can tell you how to live your dynamic. Just know the difference between consensual slavery and Actual slavery. Consensual slavery can be a beautiful act of devotion and submission. Actual slavery is diabolical, inhumane, and an unforgivable act of human disregard. 

Stay classy, readers. 

The Alpha Submissive.

   Alright, I may have confused some people a little with the last post. Pea how can you be both dominant and submissive? Well my beautiful sugarnuts, take a seat and I will give you guys the whole damn run down. I am what you would call an Alpha submissive. I pretty much do what the fuck I want, within reason. Think of the animal kingdom and a lion pride. Think of say predator and prey. My submission is more instinctual than anything. Some people to me are prey, and some people to me are predators. That is to say, some are submissive and some are dominant, and I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. Don't get me wrong I see some people as my equals but not very many. Take for example my wife lele, I love her , I care for her, we are both submissive, but to me...we aren't really equals, I think this may be because you exerts more of a submissive nature than I do.
Alpha lionesses in female prides however are still submissive to the male in the pride, ...while she's keeping those other bitches in check.

  I also don't give submission freely. I have a hard time with this more than anything else. When I have established whether or not I want someone as a Dominant, I might skip a toe out of line just ever so slightly to see where my boundaries are, if the dominant is going to remain consistent, ..the only time I don't really do this is when the dominant exudes enough dominance off of them selves that I don't really have any question about it, for example...that's the kind of relationship I had with Rayne, I didn't really need to test waters to see where we stood. However if I am not sure, I will even push for dominance to be exerted so that it is clear, I might do this by something simple, like wrestling, or stepping a toe or two out of line. For example,... I was sooo sleepy today, I had left at 6:30 this morning to go to Knoxville with no sleep the night prior, had to be in Knoxville for a couple of hours, and didn't make it back to the house until noon, ..I passed out, well Dan wanted to show me something in the backyard, and woke me up at 3...so I only got three hours of sleep. His method of waking me up today was to shake me. My response was to bite him. Apparently I bit him harder than I meant to because he smacked the shit out of my thigh. It actually kind of surprised me, so I am not really sure if he meant to do it on purpose or if it was a quick reaction caused by the pain...either way, apparently biting is off limits and it's kinda obvious where he stands on it.

  I am not really sure why I feel the need to make Dominants "work" or "earn" my submission. I guess I just really feel like I should know in advance if you are not going to be able to handle me, or not going to be able to live up to your dominantly duties. I guess I also kind of feel like in order for you to command me, you have to be able to strip me from power. This usually isn't just a one time thing either... you have to remember I deal with a lot of bullshit on a regular basis, which puts me in the position to have to be big bad mama bear, so by the time Dan gets home I am usually riled up and not in a submissive frame of mind. Sometimes I need a reminder of when its time to settle down. Dan and I actually did play this game in the form of a little wrestling match. ...He threw me around like a rag doll for about an hour. Dan does Muy Tai , Brazilian Jujitsu, and Karate...and I do ..".trynottolethimbreakyourfuckingarmitsu"

  "Pea but you've said several times you're a natural submissive, why would anyone need to struggle with you for you to submit." I am a natural submissive. Submission is actually my natural state, However I got other issues going on over here sometimes where I can't really be submissive dealing with tenants and crazy people. I also enjoy the thrill of someone claiming Dominance, and them exerting it. I am also loud mouthed, opinionated, and over all bitchy, yet still submissive. What makes me a natural submissive isn't the fact that I will kneel down to every dickhead on the planet, it's because I have the natural desire to submit. I want to be obedient, and subservient, I just dont want to be that way with everyone.

  Now here's the part that might be confusing some people. "Pea didn't you use to be super meek and ultra submissive beyond reason?" Yes I did, but that wasn't really my own doing, that came from years of growing up in a family where males ran the family, and demanded submission from the females, and walking on egg shells of my overly temperamental husband. That wasn't submission...that was tyranny. To me submission is really of your own accord, ...if I am taunting you to give you the go ahead to assert your dominance..that I have in truth already submitted. We're just dancing tango at this point. So yes for a really long time, I was fairly meek and quiet, and obedient, but guess what, that's actually the part of my submission that doesn't comes naturally. It was like second nature for a while, but it wasn't natural. Personally I prefer how I am now. I am authoritative, and able to speak in person now, what I have always been able to say in print, it just came with a bit of practice, and the realization no one can any long smack me upside my head anymore if I don't seem overly...preyish.

  Now you may be thinking "Well pea, if you are both authoritative, and submissive wouldn't that make you a switch?" Absolutely not, I do not seek out people to dominate, I am seeking out people who can dominate me, if you can't I generally tend to loose interest...as shallow as that sounds. It's actually really quite instinctual if you think about it, animals in the animal kingdom do it all the damn time. I also have no desire to exert my non existent dominance over anyone either. More than likely I won't see you as an equal if you are submissive either... that's a little harsh, but it's also honest. I mean I wont beat you and treat you poorly and we will probably will be really good friends and I will care for you, but I probably won't ever see you as an equal. There are some exceptions to this, ...I think it might be other Alpha females. For example I see lele (wife) as a submissive, but I see angelic(wife) as an equal. The only reason I can imagine for the difference is angelic may be an Alpha submissive as well. Either way that's my intellectual take on it, its not like I have a degree in psychology so don't quote me verbatim. Stay Classy Bitches.

Implements don't make you Dominant.

Alright guys I am going to talk to this from my point of view , which some people might not agree with since everyone really has their own definitions within the lifestyle. There is really no set standard for them. So if you disagree with this post, that’s cool. Feel free to write your own blog thingy on the subject. Moving right along. Now when I first think of M/s , the thing that typically comes to mind for me is Sadism and Masochism. Which in turn makes me thing of Bdsm clubs, and sceneing, and you know that whole leather branch of Bdsm genre. Since I don’t really like pain, and I’m not really a major fan of sadism either. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching another girl get her ass beat just as much as the next person, but it’s not really a huge part of my participation in the lifestyle.

  I consider myself to fall into the Domination/ and submission category. I enjoy having rules, guidelines, and expectations. I like having consequences if I don’t follow those guidelines, even if I don’t particularity like the consequences. I don’t get all hot and bothered by “Kneel slut and suck my cock” In all honesty, I am probably going to laugh of you. For me, it’s the power exchange that I enjoy. I enjoy having a head of my house hold that I am subservient too. That doesn’t mean we need to forgo all common courtesy. I digress, that subject for another time. There’s so many sub-categories to domination and submission , that I could write a fucking dissertation on it. I think it’s really all the same thing but a twist on each category. Master and slave for example.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Goreans.. what are you doing? Dominating and submitting. Pet girls.. dominating and submitting. Daddies/Mommies and littles? Dominating and Submitting. You get my point. I think that might be why when I see M/s I don’t automatically assume Master/slave.

  I won’t get into the debate between Master/slave vs. Dominant/submissive. You already know I feel they are the exact same thing that uses different titles. Feel free to disagree with me, that’s you’re prerogative. I can hear all the slaves going “I ain’t no damn submissive pea, I’se a slave! You take it back! you take it back right now damn it!” Calm down and breath. Yes, you are a slave that is the title you have given yourself. However, what you are doing is submitting ..which in turn makes you submissive. BOOM! Mind fucking blown! To what ever degree or how ever much protocol you want to add to that, it still doesn’t change the fact that you are submissive.
  
  You know, a lot of what I find attractive about the lifestyle, people wouldn’t call BDSM at all. “What bitch? You do dishes and laundry? and you think that makes you submissive? Shove an anal plug up your ass then talk to me about being submissive pea!” I kid I kid , but the truth is the fact that I feel doing those simply daily things like cleaning, and cooking, and making crocheted blankets, is what is so awesome about the lifestyle, if it makes you feel submissive, if it’s what you want for your lifestyle, then by all means don’t let me or anyone else dictate what you do in your dynamic. The best thing you can do is to be true to yourself. No matter what category or unlabeled dynamic you may have chosen. Stay classy America.

Being a Brat Vs. Playfulness

A while back , not to long ago, I wrote a piece on bratting, and even my own self admitted brattiness. However, after speaking to a few Dom's and Submissives on what a brat is to them, perhaps "brat" would not be the most accurate word for me. Trial and Error my dears. What I have heard from several accounts, most people consider brats to be , submissives that purposely try to annoy Dom's into giving them negative attention, or use their behavior to steer a Dom to their means. Topping from the bottom so to speak. Yeah, that's not really my thing. I can't imagine why I would honestly want a Dom upset with me.

I can honestly understand how people would mistake me to fall under the category of a brat. Each person has their own ideals on exactly what they think the lifestyle should be, as well as how every dynamic in the lifestyle should be. I may have not been in many relationships in my life, but I am aware that no two of them were alike. So, I don't know why people expect conformity in the lifestyle. I defiantly don't fit the bill on what most people think a submissive should be. I don't kneel. Why should I have to kneel to show reverence? I don't call every Tom ,Dick and Harry "Sir, or Master" What for? Submission isn't protocol , and it certainty isn't fancy honorifics. This irks people, and apparently comes off as "disrespectful" and to those people I say, get over yourself. Not calling you Master, or kowtowing to you doesn't make me any less of a submissive.

Now, I love playing with Doms, I think Tynian put it best last night. "You know where the line is, and you always stop before you cross it. That isn't being a brat, it's being smart." I absolutely love to play. You know in hindsight , it has never actually been a Dom I was playing with , who I offended. It was always either some bitchy Free woman, who had nothing to do with it, or another submissive. I honestly don't get women, why would you start shit with me just because a Dom is choosing to give me attention? You know what the best thing about being uncollared is? The attention. Now I know... some people are like "but pea, I thought attention seeking is bad and bratty?" Yes, and No. It can be depending on how you go about it. When I am being playful with a Dom, and notice that he doesn't approve of my antics... I stop immediately. I'm kinda sensitive at heart , so it's pretty easy to hurt my feelings. So I try to avoid that. A Brat, will accept any attention, including negative at whatever expense of the Dom. She will keep pushing and pushing until she gets her way. Whether she wants attention, whether she wants him to bend to his will. Whether she causes a scene just to get a punishment.

Another reason people like to throw me in the brat category or in the "wanna be subbie" line is because I am in no way shape or form, or in any sense of the word "Meek" I am known for standing up for myself, I am known for being a spitfire. If you are picking on me (which many Free women, and other submissives have) I will stop you out with a quickness, and put your snarky ass back in your place. People seem to be under the delusion , that just because I am submissive means I have to be submissive to everyone, or that I need to be malleable, and delicate. Comedy. It takes a mighty heart to be submissive, and I don't see anyone who is easily maneuvered or manipulated, or easily influenced, being successful in that role. I guarantee you that submissive would be subjected to all kinds of abuse before she found her way.

People in the Lifestyle seem to forget that world law, trumps lifestyle law any day. You can ask anyone who keeps my company, I am always respectful, as long as you come at me with respect, and realize that until I have made a conscious decision to submit to you... or at the very least show you reverence, that we are in fact equals. I will not do as you command, and I will not call you Master, I will not call you Sir. I will in fact, speak to you as a peer, but with mutual respect. That isn't to say that one has to be my Dom to earn that kind of acknowledgement from me, there are plenty in the lifestyle who I afford those same curtsies because they earned it.

Why is it that people expect slaves and subbies to be rigid in everything but bed? I have a news flash for you people , liking to have fun and play around does not automatically equal brattiness. You wanna to know the honest truth? I think I would gouge my eyes out from boredom , if all I ever did was kneel prettily, be all graceful, and and fetch water and food for a Dom. Kill me...now. My existence would be meaningless. I love to engage in conversation, I love to learn new things, I love adding to my arsenal of capabilities and interest. I can be quite beguiling, and I love to entertain, and by far the most I love to play. So the next person to call me a brat, really needs to evaluate , exactly what a brat is, and whether they are correct, or they are just being vindictive because I hurt their inflated ego, or don't submit to their protocols, because baby I wrote the Award winning dissertation on submission ;)

Slaves Vs. Submissives

OK I may or may not have written about this topic before, and my views on things generally don't change, so you will have to forgive me , if this post seems repetitive. I am writing this post from both perspectives; submissive, and slave, having myself, been in a dynamic for each genre, so to speak. The most common thing I have heard about the difference between a slave and a submissive is; within the slave dynamic the relationship is more about the dominant , while within a submissive relationship it is more about the submissive. While I acknowledge that everyone has the right to their opinion. I must respectfully, disagree.

I don't believe I have ever been any less devoted to Master, then I was to a Dom. I don't think there was any less submission afforded to the other. The difference to me between a slave and a submissive has to do more with what I will refer to as "rights." ... As a submissive, I was more afforded the right to express an opinion, as well as express a dislike or distaste for certain things. Now I am a big advocate of keeping actual slavery separated from consensual slavery, ...so while I must stress the fact that these are also rights afforded to BDSM slaves, I do understand that as a slave we forfeit, our right to...well, rights.

The biggest problem I have with consensual slavery , is people who claim to have "no limits" ..Everyone has limit's I assure you, but I do understand the concept of a Master not allowing his slave limits. Been there, done that, have the coffee mug. Slave is not something I really identify with very well, because I have an overwhelming need to express my opinions, I enjoy reserving the right to say no. Just because I say no to my Dom, doesn't make me any less submissive I assure, submission is not succumbing to every fucked up , and depraved sexual torture that some Dom wants to put you through. In fact I have been in relationships that were D/s and were not sexual in nature at all. Something that people within the lifestyle seem to forget is that dominance and submission, are traits. They aren't sexual acts, they aren't fetishes. Take notes class.

Did I feel any different as a submissive than a slave? Honestly, yes .. as a slave I felt more restricted then I was as a subbie, to communicate with my Dom, and express my feelings. Not saying that's how it is will all slaves, this is just my own personal experiences with it. I really honestly never had trouble as a slave. In fact, I quite excelled at it. However, it just isn't my preferred way of life. Submission comes to me as naturally as the air I breathe. I won't go as far to say I was born submissive, because I honestly think it had more to do with my upbringing, but I can tell you I don't have a dominant bone in my body. That's not to say I don't have the ability to assume leadership roles, or to be assertive, anyone who thinks that submissives and slaves are so weak minded that they can be molded, or "broken" or are doormats, need to really analyze their role in this lifestyle and take a step back. Humans are by nature and birth highly spirited people, and I believe there is nothing worse then a door mat submissive. (Yes, I'm sure that's offensive to someone, after all there is a group of people proud to be called doormats. Get over it.)

Do I think slaves are better than submissives or that slaves submit more? Nope.
Don't at all, I think they are equally on par with each other. If you are honestly that delusional to believe that "everything you do is for your Dom and to make them happy", you're a goddamn liar. You get something out of it too, or you wouldn't be doing it and that's just the got honest truth. So be it slave or submissive you are defiantly doing it for your benefit as well , so I don't see how slavery can be "more about the Master" then submission. It's the same damn concept. Yes , consensual slavery may have more control, but YOU chose that role. So that tells me , You're the one who wanted it that way. Ive seem Dom/Subbie rolls that were just as devoted , trusting and loving as any M/s role I've ever seen, but I digress.

I don't so much choose to be submissive as it is just a deeply imbedded character trait of mine. What some slaves fail to realize is they are submissive as well, every bottom in the D/s lifestyle is a submissive first. Because what you are doing is the process of submitting. So slave, kajira, subbie, pet... all submissives. Some may have more control, some may have less, that isn't really decided by your title, but more by the dynamic in your relationship. I just find that the term "subbie" suits me better. If you honest to god absolutely have to put a label on pea, it's "subbie" Mostly, because I am not gonna bow down to your every whim, or asinine sexual fantasy that comes into your head. I honestly don't think any genre of submissives should, but hey far be it from me to tell them how to run their lives. Honestly I'm in a league of my own my dears, and I march to the beat of my own chains.
Stay classy, America ;) 

Etuquette and Other Stuff

Etiquette and Other Stuff
I've talked about things you don't really have to do as far as protocol goes. The fancy kneeling, the honorifics to dominants that aren't your dominant. The serves that take for fucking ever. Let's talk about some of the things that do fall under appropriate behavior when you are meeting a Dom or are under consideration by one.

1.) Be Normal. Don't go be spreading in Nadu in front of a new Dominant that you don't even know displaying your genitals and begging to serve them. Honestly, if that's how you seek a relationship, no wonder you're single. Don't tell them how you wanna serve them and sex them up or want your penis or vagina put into torture devices. Why don't you just try to introduce yourself, say hello talk to them get to know them. You can't just go pick a Dom or Domme out a line and expect it to just happen instantly.

2.) Keep your hands to yourself. I don't know any Dom/Domme who wants to be touched by any submissives they don't know or don't have any type of relationship with. There are plenty of Dominants I will hop into the laps of, but I have built that relationship with them. However, generally I wont touch a dominant I don't know.

3.)Be Respectful. Many people in the lifestyle have this confused terribly. Being respectful does not mean I have to call you Sir, or I have to call you Mistress or Master. I don't, I won't. That doesn't make me disrespectful. I say Hello, I acknowledge your presence. I refrain from calling you an asshole, or a cunt even if I think you are. Respect doesn't mean I have to fall to my knees begging to serve you. As long as I treat you the way I want to be treated, then I am respecting you.

4.) Don't Top from the bottom. There is so many ways to do this that I could write a dissertation in it. The one that stand out to me the most though is when subs try to underhandedly try to gets tops to dominant them. It's like they feel the need to remind the dominants that they are dominants, and they try to do this very subtly, or by what they think is very subtly like asking a Dom if they need something every 30 fucking minutes. Maybe you should use that time where they don't need you to write, do art, read a book, or improve your skills. I don't know any Dom's who want to micro manage their slaves , or want you up their ass 24/7. Everyone needs their space.

b.) I guess the other side of topping from the bottom who stand out is submissives who display bad behavior for the sheer fact of wanting punishment or wanting attention. Constantly annoying their owner just to get a reaction out of their owner. I really think the best way to deal with this kind of behavior is to ignore it. Kennels are amazing things. I digress. Really if your role in the lifestyle is to be a submissive, why would you do anything to intentionally piss of your owner? I don't have anything against brats, but being a brat and topping from the bottom are two different things.

5.) Have some fucking personality. There's nothing worse then talking to a slave that has no opinions. What do you want to watch? "Whatever you want Master" Do you agree? "Yes, Master anything you say" Knowing damn well you don't. Being a slave doesn't mean you don't have your own thoughts and opinions. Some of the most talented slaves and sought after slaves Ive seen are opinionated, spitfires with loads of personality and thoughts.

6.)DoorMats , I know there are a lot of people proud to be doormats. Well I'm not a door mat, if you want one there is plenty of other doormats out there. You Cannot do what ever you want to me. I DO have limits. Yes I can agree to limits being pushed, but that comes at a time when you and I have built a trust level where that's possible, Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Don't mistake me for one of these playschool submissives that "If you were a real sub you'd do it" grade school manipulation won't work on me. I don't like doormats, and I never want to be one. I am not your yes man.

7.) You don't have to be a slut to be a slave or a sub. I can't tell you how many slaves I hear say. "If my Master wanted me to sleep with a roomful of guys I don't know, I would." Are you fucking serious? You are gonna risk your physical and mental health for a Dom who obviously doesn't give a damn about you if he is willing to do it to you. He's not your Dom honey, He's your pimp. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

8.) Learn some independence. There is nothing sexy about a submissive who is entirely dependent on her Dominant , can't think for herself, and is willing to stay ignorant. Google is your friend. Learn something. I don't care if you learn how to crotchet, learn how to balance a check book, or learn about the Israeli/Palestine war. Just learn something. Make it a daily thing to learn one new thing every day.

Ok this is starting to get out of hand, so I am going to end it here. I might pick back up on it later at a different time and elaborate on it a little more. Stay Thirsty my friends.

Lifestyle Pet Peeves.

 I actually sat down and wrote this list , and to my surprise there wasn't nearly as many as I expected there to be. I only have five for you guys to day, but I can defiantly say without a shadow of a doubt, these are the one's who irk me the most. 

  1.) High Protocol enforcers: Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with living your dynamic the way you want to. If you want your slave kneeling at all times that she is not in service, and calling every Dom in the general area "Master" , more power to you my friend, but for the love of all that is holy realize that not everyone in the world is going to agree with you or follow your doctrine. I for one think that it is an absolute waste of time for me to be sitting there kneeling all pretty like. I would much rather be on my feet doing something productive and being useful. Even if I am just crocheting a blanket its better then sitting there and being idle. Also, who the hell decided that kneeling was a universal symbol of submission? You telling me I can't be submissive if I don't kneel? Screw that! I can sit Indian style and still be submissive. 

  Also if I do not belong to you, there is no reason for me to accept your views on protocol. I don't have to adopt them either. That means if you aren't my dominant, then guess what? I don't have to call you Master. I don't have to get you a drink. I don't have to do shit , but avoid you and your craziness. That being said; generally if you're kind enough not to demand it and let me know that you prefer to be addressed this way, or would I mind doing this for you? Well, I'm pretty accommodating and I don't see why I wouldn't be inclined to oblige. Just, don't be a major douche about it. 

2.)  Blind Obedience: I actually was browsing around some blogs and videos today and apparently people are under the impression that a submissives only responsibility is complete obedience.  Okay, if you wanna be a doormat submissive, what ever. That is your prerogative, but don't expect that to ever be condoned by me. If there is something any dominant ask of me, including my own which I don't agree with or I feel would put me in a negative situation you bet your candy ass I am not going to obey that command. I have seen submissives who thought it was okay that their Dom commanded them to sleep with a room full of men. That's not being dominant , that's being a lecherous douchebag.

     It shows no concern for they physical or psychological well being of your sub.  I really honestly can't understand why any submissive would subject themselves to that, or think that is was okay. Some submissives do need to be taught that sometimes it's okay to say no. There are in fact dom's out there that are looking to take advantage of submissiveness. How many times have we all heard  " Well if you don't do this , you're not a real submissive?" Naturally a submissive wants to be pleasing , but sometimes there is a line that needs to be drawn. Submissives should not blindly follow commands for the sake of submission. 

Just because someone is a submissive does not mean that they loose all identity and freedom of thought. There is nothing wrong with being a submissive who can think, act, and speak for herself. It's okay to have your own opinions. Its okay to have your own interest, and it's okay to have your own personality. I can't count how many times I have seen submissives who believed they couldn't enjoy a band unless their owner enjoyed that particular band as well. You are still your own entity.

3.) Elitiest submissives: They're kind of like the hipsters of the subbie world. These submissives are convinced that they're the best and are more than happy to tell you everything you're doing wrong! Actually, I was in a channel on IRC once and this guy had Master in front of his name. Keep in mind that there was no previous posting anywhere in the channel that it was high protocol. So I called him by his regular nick name. There was no end to the amount of subbies wanting to jump down my throat and tell me how rude I was for not being willing to call him "Master"

  I didn't know the guy from Adam . What had he ever done to show me he was worthy of being called "Master?" Yet these subbies were quick to down me for not doing so. I have also seen subbies down other slaves for not kneeling. Seriously, what is it with you people and kneeling? Not to bring up a tragic moment in our nations history, but...did you ever see an antebellum slave kneeling? I've seen slaves who told others if they weren't house wives, then they weren't real slaves.

Let me explain something right now, NONE of us are real slaves. No one in the lifestyle is a real slave. You have a choice. You have the option to leave your relationship at anytime. You are choosing this, and if you aren't then you don't need to be reading this blog you need to be calling 911 and getting the hell out of there if you have access to a computer.

 4.)  Gor book thumpers: There much like Jehovah's Witnesses. They tell you all about Gor and how wonderful it is, and how everyone should do BDSM this way. Many of the kajira's also remind me of elitist submissives. Basically they're just convinced that their way is the best way. Not saying this about all Goreans. However there is a good percentage of them that are this way that compel me to be annoyed by them. 

If you want to get into knowing about the Gorean lifestyles and philosophies they wanna know how many of the gazillion books you have read to be worthy of their attention. I had a woman once (Still can't stand her, and her boy to this day) Who decided it was okay to tell me that she was going to "kill" me if I refused to obey. I told her she might wanna hold off on the terroristic threats. Some people take it seriously. She didn't like that. Seriously though, why is the lifestyle such a fantasy world for some people. You aren't going to kill me, because you know there is consequences. You aren't going to whip me either because that's an assault charge. Unless I submit to it, you aren't going to do shit to me, so you're threats are baseless.

5. It's all about the sex. Why oh why do you people thing that the lifestyle is about sex and sex alone? I get that for many people it's a fetish. You do this to improve your sex life in the bedroom and what not. However that being said domination and submission aren't fetishes, they're character traits. Sex has nothing to do with it. All you guys are doing is adding sex to an already existing dynamic. That's why I can't stand when people say you can learn to be submissve and you can learn to be dominant because you can't. You either are or you aren't. Trust me one day I am going to write a dissertation on why this is in MLA format. So everyone can clearly understand that.

Unless then, let me just say and do a public service announcement : I don't care how big your cock is. I don't want to see your penis pictures. I could careless what you wanna do to me, how you wanna lick me or where you wanna stick it in, so for the love of all things holy, stop messaging me about it!

"I own you, you belong to me."

      I have always considered myself to be an all around non-affectionate person...that is until a couple of nights ago. I realize that I am affectionate, I am just affectionate in other ways. I was laying down in the bed the other night waiting for Dan to join me and fighting with my phone a bit. When he finally does join me, he promptly takes the phone out of my hand and proceeds to tell me "No phone for you, it's bed time." I decide not to argue and let him place my phone anywhere he wishes. He than states quite clearly "I own you, you belong to me."

      Now for me personally, I have never been quite comfortable with the term "I love you." I really don't say it to anyone, save my children. I just find the whole phrase foreign and uncomfortable for me. However, when he said "I own you, you belong to me. I guess I sort of got an understanding of what "I love you." may mean to some people. It made me feel wanted, it made me feel like he knew I was a responsibility in myself and that for me, he was willing to take on that responsibility. It felt as if he was saying "I am going to protect you, and care for you."

    I have never really sat down and explained what I felt being owned meant. I find it to be a terribly cliche` writing, that has been dragged on and on by countless submissive and slaves. However, I don't think I really understood exactly what it meant to me personally until he uttered those words to me and I realized exactly what I wanted. Being owned by someone means they will protect me, they will care for me. It means they understand that they are accepting a responsibility to me to accept all that I come with, whether it be my children, my flaws or shortcomings.Much the same as I am accepting the responsibility to accept them for who they are.  Most of all it means that they will love me.

 I am not sure if Dan understands this is what he was saying to me when he uttered those words, but boy it sure feels wonderful. I guess how many people feel when someone tells them that they love them. I never thought that submission, and ownership could be so endearing. 

Awesome Munch Weekend

       This weekend was absolutely wonderful if you could not tell from the title. Dan had his first weekend off since March and we got to spend the majority of it together. First Saturday morning we went to go and browse around the mall where we had lunch at this new hot dog, hamburger, and pizza restaurant that had just opened up. It was actually pretty good but a bit expensive for my taste. Dan actually ordered the pizza hot dog, which is apparently a thing now. After we ate we we went and walked around the mall exploring the shops, got our pictures taken together in the photo booth. I attempted to drag Dan into a shoe store so we could look into getting him some new shoes since winter is so close, and I don't want his toes to fall off this year due to hypothermia. However, he didn't seem to find anything there comfortable. So we will have to revisit this situation. 

    After we were done at the mall, we went to another restaurant to attend a munch I had been dying to go to all frigging weekend, and you know what? It was better than I expected. We got to meet a bunch of new people who were in the lifestyle. I got to get Dan a little use to being around the people, and he actually looked like he was kind of enjoying himself. There was a party after the munch but I decided not to attend, because well I am still for the most part a private person when it comes to play. Besides I had to catch up on all of my homework and tutoring sessions. Maybe next time If I am feeling brave and Dan is game.  Of course Dan being the wonderful guy he is kept one of the attenders out in the parking lot past dark boring him to death with politics and gun laws. I entertained myself by talking to a few of my close friends and walking around Dan and the guy he was talking to saying things like "It's okay, ...you can walk away. Nobody would blame you." The guy was clearly subbie because he left Dan talk his ear off for hours. Afterwards I am pretty sure we went home and Dan spent a good amount of time playing Skylanders while I did homework and flittered around Fetlife until bedtime. 

     Sunday we slept in, I spend the rest of the morning doing a little bit of homework and playing catch up and as always...flittering around Fetlife. Around 2pm I hoped in the shower and got all smexy and put on my make up so that we could attend the birthday party of Scary Spices son. We went over there, sung happy birthday to him, ate cake, and watched him open all of the birthday presents. He seemed to be happy and enjoy it. I spend most of my time listening to Disney on my phone and getting beat up by Dan. I did get to see a couple of my friends I hadn't seen for a while, which is always nice.  After the birthday party, Dan and I walked around Walmart for a little bit and got him this awesome Captain America hoodie. The cool thing about it is the hood part doubles over as a mask and zips up it is pretty frigging awesome. We looked at the guns, and of course the electronics, and finally I ended up picking out two coloring books for myself. One was hello kitty and the other one was Disney Princesses. ( I got that one solely for Jasmine.) 

      Finally the night ended with Dan asking me if we wanted to invite one of our couple friends out with us to have dinner at Applebees. Which is great because they came! Dan and I ended up ordering the 2 for 20 with the appetizer, and they ended up getting the appetizer sampler. (Which is actually pretty huge try it!) and we had an awesome hostess who Dan kept exchanging drunken stories with, and I kept sneaking her twizzlers. We took pictures, had beers, and I even got to try this awesome new dessert that was amazing!! If you go to Applebees' get the dessert that has the ice cream, maple syrup, and pecans. It is absolutely wonderful. We finally parted ways and decided to head home after hugs and what not. By that time it was time for bed. So Dan and I snuggled in our tiny little room together, and tried our best to get some sleep before he had to leave for work at 4 am this morning. It was a great weekend though, and I am excited because after this week of him working. He will get another 7 days off. :) 

Broken hearts and Mended Wings

  It is hard to mend a broken heart,  and I have had my heart broken many a time. By My ex husband, by Rayne, by countless family members and friends. It has gotten to the point where when I begin to get close to someone I often wonder: "what grievous wound will this one inflict on my heart?" When I was reading Harry Potter and J.K Rowling was explaining horcruxes, I thought it was a very accurate analogy, which really causes you to feel some sympathy for Voldemort. Having your heart broken feels much like having a piece of your soul fractured.  You feel like you have a lost a piece of yourself that you will never get back. I once heard a phrase that got me through much of my divorce "A broken heart can be mended when replaced with deep devotion." Originally I assumed the quote was referring to religious devotion.  I never for a second thought that the quote could be applied to a person....until I met Dan.

      The relationship with Dan has been one that has been different from every other relationship I have ever been in. One key element that makes it from all the rest.  **It wasn't born of necessity**. We genuinely wanted to be with one another, and trust. Trust was something in a relationship that I had always alluded me. I always saw my mates as potential threats to me. However with Dan it is entirely different. I know within my little submissive heart that I never have to worry about him casting me aside for another person, I never have to wonder if one day he will wake up and not feel the same about me. I never have to wonder if he will raise a hand to me (out of the kinky context) or if I will come home to find another woman in my bed.  It's not so much an expectation, as I just know. The only real fear I have regarding our relationship is that one day I may become too much for him to handle, but that is slowly fading with time as we work together to heal my broken heart.

  I am truly fortunate to have found Dan. He is willing to sit there and hold me when I am having a rough night or going through a panic attack. He is willing to go through the perils of a divorce with me. In the past 18 months that we have been together he has never once left my side or abandoned me in a time of need. He has allowed me to be utterly  and what seemed irretrievably broken. All the while loving me despite this. I can't imagine its easy. I can't imagine it is pleasant being with someone you have to watch fall apart on a regular basis. There have been many times I have wished that I had meet Dan before I had meet my ex husband, I was a completely different person. However, I suppose if I hadn't been treated so poorly and with such contempt I wouldn't know what a truly rare and remarkable person Dan is.  I have never meet someone who makes me want to be a better person in the way that Dan does. It is great when you can work on yourself for you, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier when you have someone there who genuinely wants to see you succeed. It is like having someone holding your hand as you walk through a dark and treacherous tunnel that's really long and dark, but as soon as he holds your hand you can begin to see the light at the end of it.

 I have never been an affectionate person, nor a sentimental person, but whenever he walks in the door all I want to do is sit in his lap and be held in his arms. I never wanted to spend a terribly large amount of time with my ex, but when he is home I generally can think of doing nothing else. It lights up my world to see a smile on his face. Even the sex is passionate instead of awkward and uncomfortable as it has been in many of my relationships.  I have endured many years of heartbreak and been living with the repercussions of loving others, but now I am slowly healing it through deep devotion. 

TakoYaki

So today for lunch Dan and I got to go to a hibachi grill and steak house called Takoyaki. I hadn't been to an actually hibachi grill since I was about 5 years old and my then Japanese teacher took all his students on order to teach us about Japanese cuisine and get us to practice ordering, and our manners in Japanese. The guy who served us back then seemed less then enthusiastic to be entertaining a large group of 5 year old kids. So today I was in for quite a treat.

  The place was absolutely beautiful. The windows were adorned with imprinted Geisha glass. Even the wood was beautiful, and of course  the grill sat right in front of us. We sat right across from another couple. The wait was a little longer than I had anticipated, but we were given complementary soup and salad to go along with our mean so I wasn't complaining. I drank my soup and promptly gave my salad to Dan. Finally the cook did come in and he was quite enthusiastic. He began by making quite the show of tossing his knives and utensils into the air and catching them. He than grabbed the oil which was kept in this jar shaped as a guy with his pants pulled down. You can imagine where the oil came out of. He then proceeded to set the grill on fire.Which pacified my anemia for a moment.  He first cooked the eggs, which he flipped around the grill without cracking them for an impressive amount of time. He caught them in his hat, and in his shirt pocket.

 We watched in awe as he flipped our rice, vegetables , and meats about the grill. He even tossed a chunk of rice at me, which I was suppose to catch in my mouth, but ultimately ended up landing in my hair. Dan actually did catch his in his mouth which impressed me, and everyone else.I wish I had thought to bring a camera.  The best part about it was when the food was done it was better than any other Chinese/Japanese restaurant I had been to in all of Cleveland, and even better than Mikado's in Chattanooga. The sweet tea, which I am usually pretty picky about was great. The atmosphere was wonderful.  and for all this I expected the price to be somewhere around $35-40

Well I got the shrimp hibachi and a sweet tea, Dan got the chicken and a coke and it came out to $21 together which is pretty reasonable if you ask me. Dan also left a $8 tip So, I think we made out pretty well. All in all it was a wonderful experience for the both of us to share together. 

Hating Everyone Sucks, ...Trust Me.

     I have a really hard time making friends, like unreasonably hard time. Most of the friends that I have now, I have been friends with for over 10 years and we went to high school together. The problem with this is I went to high school in Atlanta, and most of  my friends are still there. When I came to a new city I didn't really know anyone. I meet Dan at D&D games that I use to host and cook for. There were other people there, but no one who really shared my same interest or was of the same interest as me. The other friend I met there unfortunately committed suicide last year.  I have a couple of my tenants who I am friends with but they are all male , and one of them has a very inappropriate crush on me, which makes things a bit complicated when I just wanna hang out and go to the zoo or something.

    Pretty much I wanted to find female friends but there was a couple of problems with this. 1.) I'm an introvert I don't really leave my little hovel much, unless I notice that I am beginning to get depressed from lack of sunlight. I have absolutely no idea how to strike up conversations with the same sex. 2.) I really want a female friend who is into the same things I am into. It doesn't have to be everything. Someone into Spartacus would be nice, ...or Game of thrones, ...or the Hunger games. I do actually have a female friend who is into the hunger games but sometimes conversation is so strained between us do to my being a home body and her being raised in a christian school, therefore not having much social skills. There's a lot of nodding and smiling. 3.) I have a really really hard time looking over the flaws of others. Which I know is horrible of me, because I am filled with them. For example the friend I was just referring to is going through a hard spot in her life which is understandable. Expect shes come to be at a level of dependency that it is expected that if we go out..I pay for it. Which I don't mind doing on occasion but its becoming a bit too much.

        I also have a hard time finding friends here because literally everyone is Christian. Now I am not saying that if you're a christian I won't be friends with you, or any of that Jazz, but these are the kind of Christians that want to save your soul from eternal hell, and I just really think that religion is a personal choice that should be between you and your god, not really to be flaunted around anywhere. Anyway, as soon as one of them finds out I am agnostic , it's like they go on some never ending mission to save my soul or shun me from them all together. Its really quite discouraging to me when someone tells me we can't be friends because we are on a different spiritual journey.

I suppose the other thing that gets in the way of me connecting with any female friends around here is that this is such a tight knit community as it is. Everyone already knows everyone. They've known each other all of their lives and grew up here. To them I am like this awkward little outsider that has invaded their city and is awkwardly trying to fit in. I feel like such a teenager writing this, but it really is getting rather annoying not having anyone to talk to or hang out with when my one female friend may be busy, or Dan's at work, or I just want to go out to a movie to get away from it all.

 Lastly, I really want a friend that would be accepting of my kinky side. It's minimally kinky, but still it's who I am. I have many friends who are into the lifestyle, but most of them are spread out across the country, and I have only met rayskajira personally. Who don't get me wrong is a lovely woman, but lives all the way out in Ohio. angelic^whimpers is awesome, but I don't see me making the trip out to Cali anytime soon either. The other thing about it is, I can meet all the lifestylers in my area but usually the same thing happens that did in Kansas. They don't understand I am not looking for play partners, just friends. Why can't we be friends and not screw?! There is a munch coming up in community this Saturday, that I hope I will get to meet some wonderful people, there's a red head who looks promising as possible friend potential, and I will get to meet other kinky people and smear my awkward weirdness all over them to. So I haven't quite given up on fitting into this quaint little town. Trying to stay positive and look forward to the munch.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to smear my vulnerabilities all over you guys. :)